break down

[_v_a_n_s_]

I wonder if anyone will ever love me as much as i ever love them.. i dont think i have ever been in a relationship like that... do they exist? bryan... called me tonight... we talked for 5 mins and nothing really happened.. just facts and extanded the useual "i love you"s and i know he ment it and everything.. Right afterwards i started to cry.. not because of spicifics or and certain person but everybody in my life.. i dont think theres ever been one friendship, one lover, one aquantiance that has ever felt the same way about me as i did them... I always get my heart broken ..im always around assholes.. all my friendships are about the other person and never are they about me.. does anyone know me.. can i vent to anyone do does everyone vent to me? wtf is life?

sometimes i wonder if this is me actually doing this now of if this is just a memory of me doing it.. am i somewhere elts.. 2 seconds ahead and only remmbering what i just did... mabe im dead and looking back on my wasted life... mabe i should be.. mabe every good feeling i ever felt in life was wrong.. weather drug influenced or not it was wrong.. what if im hidding my deepest secret from myself... i'm so scared...

All i want is to be in a relationship with someone who loves me even if i dont give a shit about them... just so then i know that im loved.. other wize and mabe even then i will never be able to feel loved.. is that what everyone has taken from me through out my life? has everyone taken my ablity to feel like i am loved away from me??? damn... I really need help... im scared im gona hurt myself