When Killer And Victim Are One? Or Are They???? GR! JERKS!
Diane, I hope you read this. (Warning: I AM honest, so if you can't take it - you can go.)
I was told that no one would talk of this again. But I don't see why I can't write in my journal and say something final to give myself a little closure... Right? Remember, a journal is a PRIVATE thing. That means no showing people that I don't show myself. You can call me and ask if you can show someone. Hell, I might even say yes! Don't make me stop writing in this because there are other people who come in to see if I've written anything. People that truly care about my well-being.
I thought I could trust you... I should have known better. You were the one who thought it was excuse enough to treat someone like shit because they were family. You couldn't even see that she wasn't listening to me. Couldn't see how she was treating me, how I felt. Didn't think I could've possibly had just cause for my reaction. I'm usually quiet, doesn't that tell you something? You didn't even see half of what happened. Not that it was your business... How often do I do that? I'm an intelligent person, I'm polite, I have morals and lines I let people cross. Perhaps it's like training a dog. You can't let them on the sofa one day and tell them no the next, it confuses them. I've accepted so many punches and never even put my gloves up even though I should have. Just let people hurt me and hurt me and not defend myself to the fullest. A blow to the head might knock some sense into some thick heads, ya know?! Of course, nobody knows that in a duel I hold a fucking bazooka. Heeh. My aim is good, I have no reason to rush. You have your turn and I have mine. I'm always last because everyone always wants to go first. I've got infinity rounds, what do you have?
Not only did you jeopardize our relationship, but everybody's relationship with everyone else! You chose the worst person. It effected everyone. I should have known better than to trust you! After what happened last time... I should have known from how you talk to me like about things I obviously already know "like you're about to give me an epiphany". Like I didn't understand. Talking slowly on top of it? My brain doesn't drive on auto-pilot, and most certainly I don't need to be talked to like a retard. I let it go because I figure you're not trying to insult me. Just try not to do it, please? I'll let it go but, this is how I feel and I don't want you to be uninformed. Because you act even though you're uninformed, and that's perfectly natural, but not very smart. Not that you're dumb, but it's just not the wisest thing. Everyone does it.
What did you think was going to happen? My gram doesn't want to go for my dad's birthday now! And my mom... Did you really think she'd all of a sudden tell you? She's not a fool, why would she do something like that? She'd rather me go and tell everyone I'm a big fat liar than lose how people see her. Hey, people already look down on me anyways, right? Not much loss there for her.
I was a fool for thinking you could handle any shit of mine. You couldn't handle it last time, this was no different.
If you knew me at all you'd know I have to have a lot of reason to fight. And I don't fight battles without thinking. It's like chess. You let the other go as much as you and who-ever has the best position at the end of the game wins, and both should know why. Sometimes it's a stalemate. Sometimes the losing player flips the board so the game doesn't end and so they don't have to deal with defeat. I'm always 5 steps ahead with a few just-in-case ideas. Don't tell me I don't think things through. I just think quickly and don't even need to be on my feet. I feel bad for those people who can't deal with losing but I understand it's hard when you know you're gonna lose even though you're giving it all you've got. Me? I play till the end no matter what. Defeat doesn't scare me. I just want to get my points across and have someone listen and try to understand even if they don't agree. But if no one wants to listen (which by the way, I do - just in case it's something I haven't heard - but it most times isn't at all something new) then communication is for naught. I can't believe... you sat there and told me to breathe as if I was only acting out of anger. I think about everything I say, I'm good with my words and I'm not rash. If I ever ever am, I admit it as it's going on. I don't say things I'll later regret because sometimes the truth is more important than how I might feel or the other person might feel afterwards. I do what's right in my mind. But I chose my battles wisely. I'm very aware and very in control. When I cry, I'm just frustrated. I broke but I didn't lose control. I let it out because no one was listening anyways, why would anyone notice? I let what you were doing go because you weren't hurting me, but you should definitely refrain from doing it in the future because you never know what you're getting yourself into. *Wink* Some words of advice for YOU... Stay out of it if you can't help and if it's not about you. If two of my friends are fighting it's between them no matter how much I might wanna step in, stop them and say something. They need to work it out on their own, and if I can't help, I just hope things turn out for the better and wait to be there for them if they need me. Ooh, and I don't help in a fight unless asked to.
Don't tell me not to stand up for myself or I WILL stand up to YOU, and you will SIT because THAT is NOT right. Don't tell me "You're on her shitlist now, Johanna." Her list of people to shit on, maybe! If there ever was someone to be on a shitlist it'd be her on mine. But you see I don't have one because I don't have that magic wheel with everyone's name on it that I can spin and decide who's next. I'm hard on myself, I didn't do anything to anyone except myself so no one should be treating me like crap. If someone has the right to treat me so, I let them. I have... I am capable of bowing my head. I know when I'm wrong. Why? Because I pay attention. Do you?
I feel like I opened the door, let you in, and you raped me and blamed me for it. You made it seem like I could talk to you and trust you. I could come to you. I didn't go blabbing anything you said to me in private! But I have a strong will and just cuz I feel the need to do something, out of respect for you and basic morals I have - I DON'T. And of all people you HAD to tell? The person who understands the least! You couldn't tell someone else? Someone who when you told them it wouldn't effect everybody in a negative way? You blew things out of proportion AND you opened your mouth to someone you shouldn't have. Now my dad's birthday is ruined. Yea, I shouldn't have told you but I thought I could trust you. So I shouldn't have trusted you. But I should be able to, shouldn't I? (*Laughs a little*.. too many shoulds...) I thought we had the same kind of respect for eachother. I guess I was wrong. Not that I see why you so desperately HAD TO talk about it. If my best friend (who I love very much and know inside and out) was cheating on her boyfriend/girlfriend and they knew about it... it was an OPEN relationship and they were cool with it. It's THEIR relationship. Just because it's nothing I would do and definitely don't agree with... It makes them happy. It's not like one's doing heroine and keeping it from the other, shooting up in the bathroom and what-not. They're not doing anything wrong, it just bothers me because I don't like it. It's kind of like that whole "love ideal" thing I was telling you about where you find that other person with the same ideal as you. And my mom found hers. I could never be that way though. It's okay to not like what someone else is doing, but what I told you wasn't that bad. It didn't make her a bad person. Your sister wasn't a cheating asshole. Just in an open relationship. So what? Are you nuts? Why'd you go and tell DETAILS on top of it? Between two people is one thing, but between three is gossip.
You didn't even go to HER first, you went to a FOURTH party! WHAT IS THAT? I would never do that. You didn't think of the consequences. Only of yourself and how YOU needed to "let it out". I thought maybe you learned your lesson last time... but no, I guess because it only effected me a lot that it didn't really count. Our relationship must not mean very much to you. I don't care what you say about when I was little and had no mind of my own how I was your "little buddy". To do this says little for how much you really care about our relationship. "I'm sorry I had to talk to someone and I tell my mother things." What? As "upset" as you may have been, that's just ridiculous. It was self-centered and inconsiderate. To me and everybody else. Why did I trust you? WHY CAN'T I TRUST MY OWN AUNT? Why can't you keep things between me and you??! I am so upset with you.....! URGH! Yeah you said sorry for betraying me, but it was more about you than me. Only after I asked you if you were did you tell me that. And I'm the one closer to the situation. "Why did you lie to me, Johanna?" I didn't! Why did you open your mouth? Why the fuck did you "burn that bridge" you talk of so fondly? Is it as valuable to you as other bridges? What did you think was going to happen? How can you so easily assume I'd lie? YOU DON'T FUCKING KNOW ME. I was trying to let you in...! 3 Strikes you're out. You have one left. And then you're lost to me. So far I haven't let you down once. I defend you when you're not around, do you do the same for me? If you hear something about me, come to me about it. Don't go talking to someone else that knows even littler than you do.
And if you're wondering what I'm talking about when I say LAST TIME? You're not thinking hard enough. I forgave you for it, but in hurting me the same way again only WORSE because you hurt more than just me... I feel the pain from it all over. Because I feel I should have learned from it. But silly me! I have to believe people deserve second chances! I still believe it, it just kills a little part of me. Don't worry though, my girlfriend will breathe life back into it again and who-ever can hurt me some more. ...Still want to know about LaSt TiMe? *Huffs and sighs*... Remember when I told you about being in an "abusive relationship and being..." that ugly R word? I showed you poetry. I was lulled into a false sense of security. Thinking I could open up and trust a family member. I was over what happened with Jeff, I was over my past and I wanted to share a part of me with you, and you showed everyone too. I'm devastated something happened again. You betrayed me. You see, I like my privacy. I don't like to open up. Especially to family because nobody listens enough to understand. Except maybe one person and it's not you. And you... it was obvious I didn't share those things with just anyone. I was giving you a chance. Yes, it made you upset but you did NOT have to go and show my mother and my grandmother something I didn't want to show myself, or wanted to show on my own time. I had already tried to tell my mom things. She doesn't believe me. And honestly, I don't like talking about too much past shit. I wanted to kill myself enough before when things were going on, and when you did that... I wanted to jump off a 40 story balcony so badly... I'm in the car and my mom gets in and starts reeming me. I WASN'T READY FOR ANYTHING LIKE THAT. I thought everything was cool. I was fine. Until that. They looked at me different for a long time! Maybe you didn't notice but they did, and I felt different around everyone too. It fucked me up a little. I thought you were weak then too.
I can handle my friends telling me anything, worse shit than that - even shit still going on and I help them emotionally. It's not about me. How I react doesn't mean shit because I care more for them. I'll tell them to go to the hospital and go to someone, I try to persuade them and usually it works but it's ALL their decision and they feel better about it. They thank me but they helped themselves too, ya know? I don't force them into situations they're not ready for. I don't tell their mothers or fathers or family members. I'm strong enough, and I know how I am, and wouldn't do anything to anyone that I wouldn't want done to me. I'm honored that someone trusts me. Maybe I talk to someone but nobody involved, and even if I feel like I just have to, I control myself and find ways to deal with it in a healthy way. And I do. It's all about state of mind. I didn't have to tell you what I did. I don't have to tell anyone anything. I know that there are some things people have to deal with on their own. Some things can't be forced otherwise it could be at a bad time or it could just fuck everything up more. There are reasons for things. Privacy and trust are a huge deal to me. Now I know you can't handle my shit and I won't share it with you. You're still in my life, I'm not kicking you out. I just can't talk to you like that again. Not for a long time. Look how long it took me this time! There is still hope. There is always hope, sadly... It's my greatest weakness and my most powerful strength... And I hate it.
This jus proves I should never talk about my problems, even one little one, because look what happens every time? BULLSHIT!
WHY CAN'T I JUST BE ANGRY? WHY DO I HAVE TO UNDERSTAND? WHY CAN'T I JUST LASH OUT BECAUSE I FEEL THE NEED TO SCREAM? WHYYYYY DO I HAVE TO BE IN CONTROL ALL THE GODDAMN TIME? Isn't it human? But that's no excuse if I know better. There is no excuse. Don't push me off the edge, I don't want to go! I don't want anyone to get hurt more than they have to! PLEASE?! Don't drive me any more insane... I'm capable of adapting to what I can take....... AND I HATE IT! I can't kill the hope... And I won't... ...for you.
{There are times when those you love are not the ones you trust. You would jump in front of a speeding train or take a bullet for this person but they've just crushed your trust. It doesn't change your love for them. Or really, I should make this more personal. I don't have to trust you just because I love you and "you love me". Or because you're family. You can't blame me for feeling this way. It doesn't mean I think you're a bad person or I don't want you in my life. It just means you won't find me trying to get close to you anytime soon or letting you close to me. I'll still talk to you. I will forgive in time but forgetting is asking too much.}
Lose Control - Evanescence
"You don't remember my name...
I... don't really care...
Can we play the game your way?
Can I really lose control...?
Just once in my life
I think it'd be nice
JUST TO LOSE CONTROL
JUST ONCE!
With all the pretty flowers in the dust...
(Skip irrelevent part)
If I cut you down to a thing I can use
I fear...that nothing would be left of you!
AGGHHHOHHH!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My translation of this part of this song:
"You don't know me but I tried to show you
You chose to look away
So have it your way.
Wish I could play the game your way...
Then maybe I could lose control, just once...!
Release everything
Smite every first born
And leave only the undeserving
Untouched...
Sometimes we think we need something we don't
And no matter from who
I don't need bullshit,
Not from anyone
Especially not from you.
I would rather run from you and do what's best for everyone
Than stick around just because there's something you can give me.
I don't need to need you...
But love.........
UGH FUCK!"
{Note: Not directed at any one person.}
If I had a religion, LoVe would be it.
...
<3
MAN! Have I been ranting a lot! ^_^
I guess I shouldn't have this ideal about how families are... :
Families don't treat each-other like crap. They support, love and accept. The support is sort of okay, good enough for me. But the loving and acceptance? Needs a lot of work. You don't love someone by treating them like retards or like crap. Families stick together, they don't gang up on each-other... Or am I wrong? I don't know many families like that though so maybe...
The brick wall used to be my family, and now I'm all alone...... Were they thick little bricks all along? Family's are not made of bricks! Lol. That was horrible, I apologize... (For the cheesy lameness!) I hope SOMEONE gets it. Lol... Oi. THE END.
I was told that no one would talk of this again. But I don't see why I can't write in my journal and say something final to give myself a little closure... Right? Remember, a journal is a PRIVATE thing. That means no showing people that I don't show myself. You can call me and ask if you can show someone. Hell, I might even say yes! Don't make me stop writing in this because there are other people who come in to see if I've written anything. People that truly care about my well-being.
I thought I could trust you... I should have known better. You were the one who thought it was excuse enough to treat someone like shit because they were family. You couldn't even see that she wasn't listening to me. Couldn't see how she was treating me, how I felt. Didn't think I could've possibly had just cause for my reaction. I'm usually quiet, doesn't that tell you something? You didn't even see half of what happened. Not that it was your business... How often do I do that? I'm an intelligent person, I'm polite, I have morals and lines I let people cross. Perhaps it's like training a dog. You can't let them on the sofa one day and tell them no the next, it confuses them. I've accepted so many punches and never even put my gloves up even though I should have. Just let people hurt me and hurt me and not defend myself to the fullest. A blow to the head might knock some sense into some thick heads, ya know?! Of course, nobody knows that in a duel I hold a fucking bazooka. Heeh. My aim is good, I have no reason to rush. You have your turn and I have mine. I'm always last because everyone always wants to go first. I've got infinity rounds, what do you have?
Not only did you jeopardize our relationship, but everybody's relationship with everyone else! You chose the worst person. It effected everyone. I should have known better than to trust you! After what happened last time... I should have known from how you talk to me like about things I obviously already know "like you're about to give me an epiphany". Like I didn't understand. Talking slowly on top of it? My brain doesn't drive on auto-pilot, and most certainly I don't need to be talked to like a retard. I let it go because I figure you're not trying to insult me. Just try not to do it, please? I'll let it go but, this is how I feel and I don't want you to be uninformed. Because you act even though you're uninformed, and that's perfectly natural, but not very smart. Not that you're dumb, but it's just not the wisest thing. Everyone does it.
What did you think was going to happen? My gram doesn't want to go for my dad's birthday now! And my mom... Did you really think she'd all of a sudden tell you? She's not a fool, why would she do something like that? She'd rather me go and tell everyone I'm a big fat liar than lose how people see her. Hey, people already look down on me anyways, right? Not much loss there for her.
I was a fool for thinking you could handle any shit of mine. You couldn't handle it last time, this was no different.
If you knew me at all you'd know I have to have a lot of reason to fight. And I don't fight battles without thinking. It's like chess. You let the other go as much as you and who-ever has the best position at the end of the game wins, and both should know why. Sometimes it's a stalemate. Sometimes the losing player flips the board so the game doesn't end and so they don't have to deal with defeat. I'm always 5 steps ahead with a few just-in-case ideas. Don't tell me I don't think things through. I just think quickly and don't even need to be on my feet. I feel bad for those people who can't deal with losing but I understand it's hard when you know you're gonna lose even though you're giving it all you've got. Me? I play till the end no matter what. Defeat doesn't scare me. I just want to get my points across and have someone listen and try to understand even if they don't agree. But if no one wants to listen (which by the way, I do - just in case it's something I haven't heard - but it most times isn't at all something new) then communication is for naught. I can't believe... you sat there and told me to breathe as if I was only acting out of anger. I think about everything I say, I'm good with my words and I'm not rash. If I ever ever am, I admit it as it's going on. I don't say things I'll later regret because sometimes the truth is more important than how I might feel or the other person might feel afterwards. I do what's right in my mind. But I chose my battles wisely. I'm very aware and very in control. When I cry, I'm just frustrated. I broke but I didn't lose control. I let it out because no one was listening anyways, why would anyone notice? I let what you were doing go because you weren't hurting me, but you should definitely refrain from doing it in the future because you never know what you're getting yourself into. *Wink* Some words of advice for YOU... Stay out of it if you can't help and if it's not about you. If two of my friends are fighting it's between them no matter how much I might wanna step in, stop them and say something. They need to work it out on their own, and if I can't help, I just hope things turn out for the better and wait to be there for them if they need me. Ooh, and I don't help in a fight unless asked to.
Don't tell me not to stand up for myself or I WILL stand up to YOU, and you will SIT because THAT is NOT right. Don't tell me "You're on her shitlist now, Johanna." Her list of people to shit on, maybe! If there ever was someone to be on a shitlist it'd be her on mine. But you see I don't have one because I don't have that magic wheel with everyone's name on it that I can spin and decide who's next. I'm hard on myself, I didn't do anything to anyone except myself so no one should be treating me like crap. If someone has the right to treat me so, I let them. I have... I am capable of bowing my head. I know when I'm wrong. Why? Because I pay attention. Do you?
I feel like I opened the door, let you in, and you raped me and blamed me for it. You made it seem like I could talk to you and trust you. I could come to you. I didn't go blabbing anything you said to me in private! But I have a strong will and just cuz I feel the need to do something, out of respect for you and basic morals I have - I DON'T. And of all people you HAD to tell? The person who understands the least! You couldn't tell someone else? Someone who when you told them it wouldn't effect everybody in a negative way? You blew things out of proportion AND you opened your mouth to someone you shouldn't have. Now my dad's birthday is ruined. Yea, I shouldn't have told you but I thought I could trust you. So I shouldn't have trusted you. But I should be able to, shouldn't I? (*Laughs a little*.. too many shoulds...) I thought we had the same kind of respect for eachother. I guess I was wrong. Not that I see why you so desperately HAD TO talk about it. If my best friend (who I love very much and know inside and out) was cheating on her boyfriend/girlfriend and they knew about it... it was an OPEN relationship and they were cool with it. It's THEIR relationship. Just because it's nothing I would do and definitely don't agree with... It makes them happy. It's not like one's doing heroine and keeping it from the other, shooting up in the bathroom and what-not. They're not doing anything wrong, it just bothers me because I don't like it. It's kind of like that whole "love ideal" thing I was telling you about where you find that other person with the same ideal as you. And my mom found hers. I could never be that way though. It's okay to not like what someone else is doing, but what I told you wasn't that bad. It didn't make her a bad person. Your sister wasn't a cheating asshole. Just in an open relationship. So what? Are you nuts? Why'd you go and tell DETAILS on top of it? Between two people is one thing, but between three is gossip.
You didn't even go to HER first, you went to a FOURTH party! WHAT IS THAT? I would never do that. You didn't think of the consequences. Only of yourself and how YOU needed to "let it out". I thought maybe you learned your lesson last time... but no, I guess because it only effected me a lot that it didn't really count. Our relationship must not mean very much to you. I don't care what you say about when I was little and had no mind of my own how I was your "little buddy". To do this says little for how much you really care about our relationship. "I'm sorry I had to talk to someone and I tell my mother things." What? As "upset" as you may have been, that's just ridiculous. It was self-centered and inconsiderate. To me and everybody else. Why did I trust you? WHY CAN'T I TRUST MY OWN AUNT? Why can't you keep things between me and you??! I am so upset with you.....! URGH! Yeah you said sorry for betraying me, but it was more about you than me. Only after I asked you if you were did you tell me that. And I'm the one closer to the situation. "Why did you lie to me, Johanna?" I didn't! Why did you open your mouth? Why the fuck did you "burn that bridge" you talk of so fondly? Is it as valuable to you as other bridges? What did you think was going to happen? How can you so easily assume I'd lie? YOU DON'T FUCKING KNOW ME. I was trying to let you in...! 3 Strikes you're out. You have one left. And then you're lost to me. So far I haven't let you down once. I defend you when you're not around, do you do the same for me? If you hear something about me, come to me about it. Don't go talking to someone else that knows even littler than you do.
And if you're wondering what I'm talking about when I say LAST TIME? You're not thinking hard enough. I forgave you for it, but in hurting me the same way again only WORSE because you hurt more than just me... I feel the pain from it all over. Because I feel I should have learned from it. But silly me! I have to believe people deserve second chances! I still believe it, it just kills a little part of me. Don't worry though, my girlfriend will breathe life back into it again and who-ever can hurt me some more. ...Still want to know about LaSt TiMe? *Huffs and sighs*... Remember when I told you about being in an "abusive relationship and being..." that ugly R word? I showed you poetry. I was lulled into a false sense of security. Thinking I could open up and trust a family member. I was over what happened with Jeff, I was over my past and I wanted to share a part of me with you, and you showed everyone too. I'm devastated something happened again. You betrayed me. You see, I like my privacy. I don't like to open up. Especially to family because nobody listens enough to understand. Except maybe one person and it's not you. And you... it was obvious I didn't share those things with just anyone. I was giving you a chance. Yes, it made you upset but you did NOT have to go and show my mother and my grandmother something I didn't want to show myself, or wanted to show on my own time. I had already tried to tell my mom things. She doesn't believe me. And honestly, I don't like talking about too much past shit. I wanted to kill myself enough before when things were going on, and when you did that... I wanted to jump off a 40 story balcony so badly... I'm in the car and my mom gets in and starts reeming me. I WASN'T READY FOR ANYTHING LIKE THAT. I thought everything was cool. I was fine. Until that. They looked at me different for a long time! Maybe you didn't notice but they did, and I felt different around everyone too. It fucked me up a little. I thought you were weak then too.
I can handle my friends telling me anything, worse shit than that - even shit still going on and I help them emotionally. It's not about me. How I react doesn't mean shit because I care more for them. I'll tell them to go to the hospital and go to someone, I try to persuade them and usually it works but it's ALL their decision and they feel better about it. They thank me but they helped themselves too, ya know? I don't force them into situations they're not ready for. I don't tell their mothers or fathers or family members. I'm strong enough, and I know how I am, and wouldn't do anything to anyone that I wouldn't want done to me. I'm honored that someone trusts me. Maybe I talk to someone but nobody involved, and even if I feel like I just have to, I control myself and find ways to deal with it in a healthy way. And I do. It's all about state of mind. I didn't have to tell you what I did. I don't have to tell anyone anything. I know that there are some things people have to deal with on their own. Some things can't be forced otherwise it could be at a bad time or it could just fuck everything up more. There are reasons for things. Privacy and trust are a huge deal to me. Now I know you can't handle my shit and I won't share it with you. You're still in my life, I'm not kicking you out. I just can't talk to you like that again. Not for a long time. Look how long it took me this time! There is still hope. There is always hope, sadly... It's my greatest weakness and my most powerful strength... And I hate it.
This jus proves I should never talk about my problems, even one little one, because look what happens every time? BULLSHIT!
WHY CAN'T I JUST BE ANGRY? WHY DO I HAVE TO UNDERSTAND? WHY CAN'T I JUST LASH OUT BECAUSE I FEEL THE NEED TO SCREAM? WHYYYYY DO I HAVE TO BE IN CONTROL ALL THE GODDAMN TIME? Isn't it human? But that's no excuse if I know better. There is no excuse. Don't push me off the edge, I don't want to go! I don't want anyone to get hurt more than they have to! PLEASE?! Don't drive me any more insane... I'm capable of adapting to what I can take....... AND I HATE IT! I can't kill the hope... And I won't... ...for you.
{There are times when those you love are not the ones you trust. You would jump in front of a speeding train or take a bullet for this person but they've just crushed your trust. It doesn't change your love for them. Or really, I should make this more personal. I don't have to trust you just because I love you and "you love me". Or because you're family. You can't blame me for feeling this way. It doesn't mean I think you're a bad person or I don't want you in my life. It just means you won't find me trying to get close to you anytime soon or letting you close to me. I'll still talk to you. I will forgive in time but forgetting is asking too much.}
Lose Control - Evanescence
"You don't remember my name...
I... don't really care...
Can we play the game your way?
Can I really lose control...?
Just once in my life
I think it'd be nice
JUST TO LOSE CONTROL
JUST ONCE!
With all the pretty flowers in the dust...
(Skip irrelevent part)
If I cut you down to a thing I can use
I fear...that nothing would be left of you!
AGGHHHOHHH!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My translation of this part of this song:
"You don't know me but I tried to show you
You chose to look away
So have it your way.
Wish I could play the game your way...
Then maybe I could lose control, just once...!
Release everything
Smite every first born
And leave only the undeserving
Untouched...
Sometimes we think we need something we don't
And no matter from who
I don't need bullshit,
Not from anyone
Especially not from you.
I would rather run from you and do what's best for everyone
Than stick around just because there's something you can give me.
I don't need to need you...
But love.........
UGH FUCK!"
{Note: Not directed at any one person.}
If I had a religion, LoVe would be it.
...
<3
MAN! Have I been ranting a lot! ^_^
I guess I shouldn't have this ideal about how families are... :
Families don't treat each-other like crap. They support, love and accept. The support is sort of okay, good enough for me. But the loving and acceptance? Needs a lot of work. You don't love someone by treating them like retards or like crap. Families stick together, they don't gang up on each-other... Or am I wrong? I don't know many families like that though so maybe...
The brick wall used to be my family, and now I'm all alone...... Were they thick little bricks all along? Family's are not made of bricks! Lol. That was horrible, I apologize... (For the cheesy lameness!) I hope SOMEONE gets it. Lol... Oi. THE END.