You might as well have told me to jump off a cliff...
I don’t open my mouth just to hear myself talk, I have a point.
If you can’t take the heat, don’t dish it out. Don’t be baffled that I stand my ground. Your ammunition is far weaker than mine and your reason is lacking. You can’t fight without reason, not against someone like me. Making false statements you know nothing about is ignorant and rude. My love and maturity make me tolerate the child in you. I listen to you. But when what I have to say back is not what you want to hear, you have nothing to say except, “I never talked to my elders like this. I would have gotten walloped.” Lovely and colored as that picture is… It’s black and white to me. Life is not black and white to me. Being my elder gives you no excuse to treat me like crap. I can only take so much disrespect at one time. I’m respectful until my lines are crossed. Over and over actually. You can’t expect respect you don’t give in return. And every day is a new day. A new chance to make things right. But you toss them like dirty garbage. I see no proof of you trying to understand. You don’t even listen. I listen! It’s easy, just close your mouth and pay attention. If you cared you would. But you even admitted that you didn’t. “Johanna, honestly… I just don’t care anymore.” If your tirade was because you care, if treating me like that… screaming (literally) and carrying on as you did was your way of loving me I want no part of it. I won’t be a part of this abusive relationship. You can’t trap me, I’m not afraid of you. I might need things but not this, not from anyone. You can threaten me about burning bridges I’ll regret or whatever the exact words you said were… but I don’t want a bridge that’ll burn me alive. I didn’t start this fire. You were like a baby. Yelling didn’t make you any more right. You stopped me from talking because anytime I did, I knew what I was talking about. How could you want that when it reveals just how in the wrong you are? I was so polite and I was so good about letting you speak and not being mean. I didn’t call you names or make statements that weren’t true. I brought things up less than you did and actually proved something. It sucks to be in the wrong all along, huh? I suppose it would be hard… being in the wrong so much and having everyone patting you on the back just so they don’t rile you… wouldn’t wanna burn that bridge that’ll give me money later! I don’t want your money, I want your love. Is that so much to ask? But you don’t even want to get to know me. I put myself out there saying I’d love to spend more time with you and we can get to know eachother… but you crushed it. “Eat your food, Johanna.” When I asked you what you saw when you looked at me… if you saw a fat lesbian drop-out that’ll never amount to anything… “Eat your food, Johanna.” “No, I really want to know. If you got to know me, you’d see more than that and wouldn’t label me. It’s superficial of you. I just want to help you understand me. Why don’t you want to try? It hurts that you don’t want to try.” (You didn’t even know what superficial meant. Maybe you don’t listen because I use big words…) “Now you listen to me.” You tell me everything that’s wrong with me, what “happened” and throw in as many insults and untrue things as possible and then it’s a “. I don’t want to hear any more about it. Don’t make a scene, Johanna.” As if I have no right to react! If you care more about how you look in front of strangers in a restaurant than me? You’re pathetic. “There’s more to what happened to me than what you know. You weren’t there so you can’t really say anything about it. And I can’t believe you didn’t answer me before. How can you love me if you don’t know me? How can you know me if you don’t want to try to understand me? And how can you care if you don’t want to try for me? It hurts to think my own family doesn’t know me and labels me, doesn’t even try, doesn’t want to try to dig any deeper.” It’s cheap and easy to label. Those with lazy, weak minds and little attention spans are the ones who do that. Getting to know people takes time. It’s pretty shitty of you to be like that. People let things go way too much with you. I believe everyone deserves a little truth now and again. Talking to you is worse than talking to a brick wall. Walls don’t scream, walls don’t act like babies when things don’t go their way. Walls aren’t hypocritical and don’t talk so they can’t say stupid crap they know nothing about. Nor can they get angry and glare at you for doing nothing. You can touch the wall, lean on the wall. It doesn’t have eyes that look at you like you’re a ghost. My words go in one ear and out the other. There’s no point in talking because you won’t understand, you won’t remember anything but how you felt maybe, and nothing ever changes. I have this problem in my relationships with women quite often….balls. Like, nothing I say matters. You change your tune more than my mom does! I may not have the types of experience you’d like me to have, nor the education but it doesn’t make me dumb. I’m not a drop-out because I give up or my brain couldn’t handle it. It wasn’t any one thing. Don’t tell me I can’t lean on my friends, you were never there. Only to make me feel more like crap about myself and want to not try at all. What do you do when everyone has given up on you? Given you life and then nothing to stand on? You keep falling. You’re not magical! Some fairy prince won’t fly to the rescue and take you to a place of dancing and laughter! Someone has to reach a hand out for me to grab. There’s things I can’t do alone. And I don’t want your help if you don’t want to give it. I’d rather rot where I stand. I don’t take my personal life, my personal shit and take it out on everyone else. I walked in to your house with a smile even though I felt like barfing and didn’t want to be there. I still wanted to make it good for my dad and everybody. I tried to avoid the argument but you kept pushing. You push and manipulate your way into and out of whatever. But it’s no so easy with me sometimes. You’ve barged into my house uninvited, unannounced and screamed in my face. I had been nothing but kind to you. And when I asked you to please leave if you were going to treat me like that… you refused to leave. Rude! I had done nothing to you. And you even know you’re in the wrong about all this. I’m sorry that when you’re so-called friends ask about me that you don’t know me well enough to know there ARE things to brag about. My past doesn’t define me. Just because you led a 50’s perfect dream lifestyle, times are different and I didn’t have half the support you had. I’m not saying it’s any one else’s fault. I shouldn’t have listened to anybody but me. But I’m saying you weren’t there. You didn’t try to help. You only helped my depression reach to the level of emotional self-mutilation. But I can’t cut pieces of me off to be who you want me to be. If you don’t want to know me, you can’t love me. I try for you, I would try for you. This isn’t about respect anymore. It’s about love. Your heart isn’t broken, it’s your pride. And isn’t that a sin? I’m gay, I’m going to hell (and you can’t save me because this is who I am) but my heart is far bigger than my pride. You’re a fool for this. Love is more important than your reputation. Love is worth everything, worth dying for. I know you don’t want to hear it. But I don’t want to hear you scream at me things that aren’t true about me when you don’t even want to know me! So you have NO RIGHT! It’s no excuse to treat anybody or talk to anybody the way you talk to me. And I pity you for not being able to understand. For not having the will to want to try….For being raised in such a way that it blinded you to your own behavior. Where is the good Christian, the giver, when you’re talking to your gay granddaughter? What happened to love, mercy, acceptance? Do you believe everything you hear and read? What about in your heart? If you can remember where it is, what does it have to say? Can’t you feel that you aren’t doing “God’s will”? It shows something about you. Do you see it too? Hey, you point out all my flaws! When do you ever get yours? I’m sick of you being so rude and cruel and disrespectful. I expected you to be a mature, intelligent adult. I expected too much. I’ve disappointed you. We’re now officially even. Because I’m done with all of it. I won’t go through it with you again. Too thick to get through…
Don’t tell me I’m wise beyond my years and then speak to me slowly about something that’s obvious I already know like you’re about to give me an epiphany. Don’t butt in to heated affairs because you WILL get burned. Listen to me, I don’t like to talk to any of you unless it’s somehow important. I don’t talk out of my ass. Don’t tell me what to do. To breathe, not to talk the way I’m talking when you weren’t around to see what gave me the right to be angry.
Don’t tell me I need help. It’s healthy to cry because you feel hurt. It’s normal to get in fights with family. Just because you’re shitty enough to make me prefer plunging a knife through my chest over talking to you… it doesn’t mean I’m wholly suicidal. It means you need to lay off. One moment, one thing can make me happy in a sea of sadness, so-to-speak. Listen to me. I’m not stupid. I do what I can. You might like me, really! I’m not so bad when you don’t insult me!! ^_^
Don’t tell me you tried and tried to help me. You tried to help me twice. “Johanna, I want to change our date to Tuesday, okay?” “Umm, no gram I think that’d be a bad idea. Can we have it for Thursday?” “Okay Tuesday it is, bye!” “Gram, no wait. I said Thursday. Not Tuesday. Is that okay? Are you busy at all then?” “No, we’re doing it Tuesday and that’s that. Alright bye now!” “Gram! Wait! Don’t hang up on me!” “I’m hanging up! Bye!” “Wai-”…. So I call you back to make sure you know not to come Tuesday. You didn’t ask why but I had reasons. And you tell me you won’t come. You don’t bother telling me you won’t come at all. You never said you had an engagement of any kind. You left me in the dark and you hung up on me when I was trying to talk. That is NOT okay. It’s all over getting a job. Saying I’ve done nothing. Nothing with my life, nothing with my time. The only time you ever helped me, you only wanted to go to the two places I had in mind. You’re all, “Why don’t you just walk in to a place and ask for a job, Johanna!?!” Well, if you recall… I was the one saying, “Hey! Why don’t we go over here and over here while we’re on the street?” You drive right on by. You were all crying saying you wanted to help me and I could go to you. Then when you’re helping me you’re not listening and treating me like I’m not worth it, like it’s some chore you have to do or else you’ll go to hell. If you don’t want to help me, since you know you say you don’t care, I don’t want your help. I don’t want it if you don’t want to give it, if you’re going to be like that. You don’t have to. I’d rather rot where I stand than have to feel like that. “Yeah come to me, I’ll help you. You can always count on me because I love you.” Then it’s like, “Let’s get this over and done with. God, Johanna!” You call me up way too early and insult me. You can’t wait till I get in the car with you? Tell me I need to feel better about myself and then tell me what a lazy fat-ass I am and treat me like I’m not even a person. I can’t possibly have feelings! And you can’t POSSIBLY be wrong? Everything was fine. Had you not made your ignorant outburst, we wouldn’t have started fighting at all. The more we talked, the more apparent it was that you knew didn’t know SHIT about what you were talking about. What a fool you must have felt like… But I’m not sorry. You did it to yourself.
How can so many people be so damn stupid?
I can accept defeat (can you? You never apologize) when provided sufficient evidence, or just when someone makes a good point. That’s lack of pride. Puff up like a peacock, it doesn’t make you right. (My brother does that, you see, when he’s wrong about something and he knows it.) You had no point, no right. And I just wish it could be another way… Maybe tomorrow things’ll be better? Do I give up? Like you? I should, huh? But hope...could save us.
If you can’t take the heat, don’t dish it out. Don’t be baffled that I stand my ground. Your ammunition is far weaker than mine and your reason is lacking. You can’t fight without reason, not against someone like me. Making false statements you know nothing about is ignorant and rude. My love and maturity make me tolerate the child in you. I listen to you. But when what I have to say back is not what you want to hear, you have nothing to say except, “I never talked to my elders like this. I would have gotten walloped.” Lovely and colored as that picture is… It’s black and white to me. Life is not black and white to me. Being my elder gives you no excuse to treat me like crap. I can only take so much disrespect at one time. I’m respectful until my lines are crossed. Over and over actually. You can’t expect respect you don’t give in return. And every day is a new day. A new chance to make things right. But you toss them like dirty garbage. I see no proof of you trying to understand. You don’t even listen. I listen! It’s easy, just close your mouth and pay attention. If you cared you would. But you even admitted that you didn’t. “Johanna, honestly… I just don’t care anymore.” If your tirade was because you care, if treating me like that… screaming (literally) and carrying on as you did was your way of loving me I want no part of it. I won’t be a part of this abusive relationship. You can’t trap me, I’m not afraid of you. I might need things but not this, not from anyone. You can threaten me about burning bridges I’ll regret or whatever the exact words you said were… but I don’t want a bridge that’ll burn me alive. I didn’t start this fire. You were like a baby. Yelling didn’t make you any more right. You stopped me from talking because anytime I did, I knew what I was talking about. How could you want that when it reveals just how in the wrong you are? I was so polite and I was so good about letting you speak and not being mean. I didn’t call you names or make statements that weren’t true. I brought things up less than you did and actually proved something. It sucks to be in the wrong all along, huh? I suppose it would be hard… being in the wrong so much and having everyone patting you on the back just so they don’t rile you… wouldn’t wanna burn that bridge that’ll give me money later! I don’t want your money, I want your love. Is that so much to ask? But you don’t even want to get to know me. I put myself out there saying I’d love to spend more time with you and we can get to know eachother… but you crushed it. “Eat your food, Johanna.” When I asked you what you saw when you looked at me… if you saw a fat lesbian drop-out that’ll never amount to anything… “Eat your food, Johanna.” “No, I really want to know. If you got to know me, you’d see more than that and wouldn’t label me. It’s superficial of you. I just want to help you understand me. Why don’t you want to try? It hurts that you don’t want to try.” (You didn’t even know what superficial meant. Maybe you don’t listen because I use big words…) “Now you listen to me.” You tell me everything that’s wrong with me, what “happened” and throw in as many insults and untrue things as possible and then it’s a “. I don’t want to hear any more about it. Don’t make a scene, Johanna.” As if I have no right to react! If you care more about how you look in front of strangers in a restaurant than me? You’re pathetic. “There’s more to what happened to me than what you know. You weren’t there so you can’t really say anything about it. And I can’t believe you didn’t answer me before. How can you love me if you don’t know me? How can you know me if you don’t want to try to understand me? And how can you care if you don’t want to try for me? It hurts to think my own family doesn’t know me and labels me, doesn’t even try, doesn’t want to try to dig any deeper.” It’s cheap and easy to label. Those with lazy, weak minds and little attention spans are the ones who do that. Getting to know people takes time. It’s pretty shitty of you to be like that. People let things go way too much with you. I believe everyone deserves a little truth now and again. Talking to you is worse than talking to a brick wall. Walls don’t scream, walls don’t act like babies when things don’t go their way. Walls aren’t hypocritical and don’t talk so they can’t say stupid crap they know nothing about. Nor can they get angry and glare at you for doing nothing. You can touch the wall, lean on the wall. It doesn’t have eyes that look at you like you’re a ghost. My words go in one ear and out the other. There’s no point in talking because you won’t understand, you won’t remember anything but how you felt maybe, and nothing ever changes. I have this problem in my relationships with women quite often….balls. Like, nothing I say matters. You change your tune more than my mom does! I may not have the types of experience you’d like me to have, nor the education but it doesn’t make me dumb. I’m not a drop-out because I give up or my brain couldn’t handle it. It wasn’t any one thing. Don’t tell me I can’t lean on my friends, you were never there. Only to make me feel more like crap about myself and want to not try at all. What do you do when everyone has given up on you? Given you life and then nothing to stand on? You keep falling. You’re not magical! Some fairy prince won’t fly to the rescue and take you to a place of dancing and laughter! Someone has to reach a hand out for me to grab. There’s things I can’t do alone. And I don’t want your help if you don’t want to give it. I’d rather rot where I stand. I don’t take my personal life, my personal shit and take it out on everyone else. I walked in to your house with a smile even though I felt like barfing and didn’t want to be there. I still wanted to make it good for my dad and everybody. I tried to avoid the argument but you kept pushing. You push and manipulate your way into and out of whatever. But it’s no so easy with me sometimes. You’ve barged into my house uninvited, unannounced and screamed in my face. I had been nothing but kind to you. And when I asked you to please leave if you were going to treat me like that… you refused to leave. Rude! I had done nothing to you. And you even know you’re in the wrong about all this. I’m sorry that when you’re so-called friends ask about me that you don’t know me well enough to know there ARE things to brag about. My past doesn’t define me. Just because you led a 50’s perfect dream lifestyle, times are different and I didn’t have half the support you had. I’m not saying it’s any one else’s fault. I shouldn’t have listened to anybody but me. But I’m saying you weren’t there. You didn’t try to help. You only helped my depression reach to the level of emotional self-mutilation. But I can’t cut pieces of me off to be who you want me to be. If you don’t want to know me, you can’t love me. I try for you, I would try for you. This isn’t about respect anymore. It’s about love. Your heart isn’t broken, it’s your pride. And isn’t that a sin? I’m gay, I’m going to hell (and you can’t save me because this is who I am) but my heart is far bigger than my pride. You’re a fool for this. Love is more important than your reputation. Love is worth everything, worth dying for. I know you don’t want to hear it. But I don’t want to hear you scream at me things that aren’t true about me when you don’t even want to know me! So you have NO RIGHT! It’s no excuse to treat anybody or talk to anybody the way you talk to me. And I pity you for not being able to understand. For not having the will to want to try….For being raised in such a way that it blinded you to your own behavior. Where is the good Christian, the giver, when you’re talking to your gay granddaughter? What happened to love, mercy, acceptance? Do you believe everything you hear and read? What about in your heart? If you can remember where it is, what does it have to say? Can’t you feel that you aren’t doing “God’s will”? It shows something about you. Do you see it too? Hey, you point out all my flaws! When do you ever get yours? I’m sick of you being so rude and cruel and disrespectful. I expected you to be a mature, intelligent adult. I expected too much. I’ve disappointed you. We’re now officially even. Because I’m done with all of it. I won’t go through it with you again. Too thick to get through…
Don’t tell me I’m wise beyond my years and then speak to me slowly about something that’s obvious I already know like you’re about to give me an epiphany. Don’t butt in to heated affairs because you WILL get burned. Listen to me, I don’t like to talk to any of you unless it’s somehow important. I don’t talk out of my ass. Don’t tell me what to do. To breathe, not to talk the way I’m talking when you weren’t around to see what gave me the right to be angry.
Don’t tell me I need help. It’s healthy to cry because you feel hurt. It’s normal to get in fights with family. Just because you’re shitty enough to make me prefer plunging a knife through my chest over talking to you… it doesn’t mean I’m wholly suicidal. It means you need to lay off. One moment, one thing can make me happy in a sea of sadness, so-to-speak. Listen to me. I’m not stupid. I do what I can. You might like me, really! I’m not so bad when you don’t insult me!! ^_^
Don’t tell me you tried and tried to help me. You tried to help me twice. “Johanna, I want to change our date to Tuesday, okay?” “Umm, no gram I think that’d be a bad idea. Can we have it for Thursday?” “Okay Tuesday it is, bye!” “Gram, no wait. I said Thursday. Not Tuesday. Is that okay? Are you busy at all then?” “No, we’re doing it Tuesday and that’s that. Alright bye now!” “Gram! Wait! Don’t hang up on me!” “I’m hanging up! Bye!” “Wai-”…. So I call you back to make sure you know not to come Tuesday. You didn’t ask why but I had reasons. And you tell me you won’t come. You don’t bother telling me you won’t come at all. You never said you had an engagement of any kind. You left me in the dark and you hung up on me when I was trying to talk. That is NOT okay. It’s all over getting a job. Saying I’ve done nothing. Nothing with my life, nothing with my time. The only time you ever helped me, you only wanted to go to the two places I had in mind. You’re all, “Why don’t you just walk in to a place and ask for a job, Johanna!?!” Well, if you recall… I was the one saying, “Hey! Why don’t we go over here and over here while we’re on the street?” You drive right on by. You were all crying saying you wanted to help me and I could go to you. Then when you’re helping me you’re not listening and treating me like I’m not worth it, like it’s some chore you have to do or else you’ll go to hell. If you don’t want to help me, since you know you say you don’t care, I don’t want your help. I don’t want it if you don’t want to give it, if you’re going to be like that. You don’t have to. I’d rather rot where I stand than have to feel like that. “Yeah come to me, I’ll help you. You can always count on me because I love you.” Then it’s like, “Let’s get this over and done with. God, Johanna!” You call me up way too early and insult me. You can’t wait till I get in the car with you? Tell me I need to feel better about myself and then tell me what a lazy fat-ass I am and treat me like I’m not even a person. I can’t possibly have feelings! And you can’t POSSIBLY be wrong? Everything was fine. Had you not made your ignorant outburst, we wouldn’t have started fighting at all. The more we talked, the more apparent it was that you knew didn’t know SHIT about what you were talking about. What a fool you must have felt like… But I’m not sorry. You did it to yourself.
How can so many people be so damn stupid?
I can accept defeat (can you? You never apologize) when provided sufficient evidence, or just when someone makes a good point. That’s lack of pride. Puff up like a peacock, it doesn’t make you right. (My brother does that, you see, when he’s wrong about something and he knows it.) You had no point, no right. And I just wish it could be another way… Maybe tomorrow things’ll be better? Do I give up? Like you? I should, huh? But hope...could save us.