I've cried myself dry. Now, I can finally go numb.
I really..wish..That I wasn't so speechless with my mind right now.
I should update on how I had a good weekend, until Sunday night.
For once, I felt so damn alive. Nothing was wrong
How EXTREMLY foolish I am for thinking that ONE MORE DAMN THING wouldn't go wrong, that it couldn't go wrong.
You're not mine anymore. I've given everything up for this love.
And it was ripped away over the dumbest thing I've ever heard.
To not hug you..or kiss you. Hold your hand in mine.
DAMN IT! once again I let my fucking hopes get so damn high that I can be crushed like this. It hurts so bad, I have gone numb. I don't smile, nor do I joke. People who don't even know me that well are asking "What's wrong Allissa?", or "hey, allissa?! Where's the smile???"
"It's just a boy, you'll find someone new. If it's real love, it'll find a way."
Screw that. I don't want anyone, ever, besides Joshua. Wait?! Yeah, right. I can't even stand waiting a hour for class to get over to see him. Find someone new? I can't even look at guys. I can't look at a couple without my chest hurting. I get SO JEALOUS that they can be together, yet Josh and I can't. Find a way? When? two years? two months? I don't want to find a way. I want it to be the way it use to be. I was so careless when I thought that me not being pentecostal wouldn't be such a big deal. I should have took all the hints, I should have forseen this. I guess I didn't care what happened in the end as long as I had the chance to be with him. No matter how painful the ending would be. I am SO thankful for the 6 months that I did have with him. I will never know now how long we would have lasted. I didn't even get a damn chance. He didn't even get a chance. Shit, as if they could hurt him more...Agghh. I can't take it.
I am in such a lousy mood. I feel bad for those who are around me. For Amanda, Josh even, Julie, Dani, Brian, my mom...Ugh. I can't be like I was before. I bring people down. I always have retarded tears in my eyes. I don't talk like I use to. I don't have the confidence that i had before. If I am such a heathan, I might as well be the worse one I could be, right? It brings me down even more that I can't be like I use to for my friends and family. I am not even active like I was in my classes.
6 months...SIX MONTHS. It would have been different at 1 month, or even 2. We just got so close...
Anyways, No one wants to hear my bitch for so long, but I needed to get some of this off my chest. I can't even eat....Ahh, damn it.
Thanks everyone who has been giving me help and hugs! It means a LOT to know that I still have friends.
"Shiver And Shake"
You're just a waste of time
You're just a babbling face
You're just three sick holes that run like sores
You're a fucking waste
You're like a slug on the girl
Oh you're useless and ugly
And useless and ugly
And I shiver and shake
When I think of how you make me hate
I want to smash you to pieces
I want to smash you up and screaming
I want to smash you helpless
Down on the floor
Smash you until you're not here anymore
And I shiver and shake
Shiver and shake
I should update on how I had a good weekend, until Sunday night.
For once, I felt so damn alive. Nothing was wrong
How EXTREMLY foolish I am for thinking that ONE MORE DAMN THING wouldn't go wrong, that it couldn't go wrong.
You're not mine anymore. I've given everything up for this love.
And it was ripped away over the dumbest thing I've ever heard.
To not hug you..or kiss you. Hold your hand in mine.
DAMN IT! once again I let my fucking hopes get so damn high that I can be crushed like this. It hurts so bad, I have gone numb. I don't smile, nor do I joke. People who don't even know me that well are asking "What's wrong Allissa?", or "hey, allissa?! Where's the smile???"
"It's just a boy, you'll find someone new. If it's real love, it'll find a way."
Screw that. I don't want anyone, ever, besides Joshua. Wait?! Yeah, right. I can't even stand waiting a hour for class to get over to see him. Find someone new? I can't even look at guys. I can't look at a couple without my chest hurting. I get SO JEALOUS that they can be together, yet Josh and I can't. Find a way? When? two years? two months? I don't want to find a way. I want it to be the way it use to be. I was so careless when I thought that me not being pentecostal wouldn't be such a big deal. I should have took all the hints, I should have forseen this. I guess I didn't care what happened in the end as long as I had the chance to be with him. No matter how painful the ending would be. I am SO thankful for the 6 months that I did have with him. I will never know now how long we would have lasted. I didn't even get a damn chance. He didn't even get a chance. Shit, as if they could hurt him more...Agghh. I can't take it.
I am in such a lousy mood. I feel bad for those who are around me. For Amanda, Josh even, Julie, Dani, Brian, my mom...Ugh. I can't be like I was before. I bring people down. I always have retarded tears in my eyes. I don't talk like I use to. I don't have the confidence that i had before. If I am such a heathan, I might as well be the worse one I could be, right? It brings me down even more that I can't be like I use to for my friends and family. I am not even active like I was in my classes.
6 months...SIX MONTHS. It would have been different at 1 month, or even 2. We just got so close...
Anyways, No one wants to hear my bitch for so long, but I needed to get some of this off my chest. I can't even eat....Ahh, damn it.
Thanks everyone who has been giving me help and hugs! It means a LOT to know that I still have friends.
"Shiver And Shake"
You're just a waste of time
You're just a babbling face
You're just three sick holes that run like sores
You're a fucking waste
You're like a slug on the girl
Oh you're useless and ugly
And useless and ugly
And I shiver and shake
When I think of how you make me hate
I want to smash you to pieces
I want to smash you up and screaming
I want to smash you helpless
Down on the floor
Smash you until you're not here anymore
And I shiver and shake
Shiver and shake