Its getting better all the time?
Well, its been a long while, and i dont really regret not writing because i probably would have had some hurtful things to say about certain people. so *applause* for me for being a good person and keeping it to myself.
I'm having a lot of problems, but we'll get to that later... PROM WAS ABSOLUTELY AWESOME!!!
We started off that Friday after school and we worked until 2:30 saturday morning... i went home and slept a while and got up to go back out there by 9 to blow up almost 600 balloons, which were all but deflated by 8 that night (grr). Well, left the school about 12 30, went and got the expedition washed for the night, worked on my toast (which i screwed up, btw), got my hair and makeup done, and by that time, tim and the family were at my house waiting to see me get pretty. Took tons of pictures at home (the ones online are only half of them) then went to eat at Mugg Shotz.
That was the coolest part of the night. I was a bit worried at first, cause Cat got held up and Swain was still helping Ms. Askew, so we had 5 people at a dinner for 8, and Brenda said she'd wait a few. Swain, Cat and Phil got there and we ate... and it was WoNdErFuL. Then, in the middle of dinner, this limo pulls up, and some people that i know get out, but they're dressed funny, and they start talking and it turns out, Brenda got some awesome people like Tommy Hurdle and Bobby Harrell, Kerstyn, and Sara Benton to dress up like stars and have dinner with us. it was the coolest thing. (Check out the pics... http://community.webshots.com/user/tinydancer5887)
Prom itself was ok, but i was really starting to get tired, and i got pissed off when i messed up the senior toast. Danced a little, but i kept getting in these situations where i could tell tim wanted to dance with me, and i felt really awkward, cause whenever theres a dance or whatever, i always dance with nikki and trisha and theres never really a guy around (stephen doesnt count) and i really just wanted to dance alone, but i did dance with him once, and then to a few slow songs/shag songs.
Which really brings me to the next problem...
I can't shake this needy mood. I feel really lonely. I guess it's just kinda hard, cause i sit with Cat ALL DAY, and she's got Phillip and they're perfectly happy, thank-you-very-much... and i see her and listen to hergo on about how happy she is, and how much she loves him, and "oh i was on the phone with phillip last night til 2"... and it gets really sickening, because a lot of times she complains, and i just feel like, almost offended, because she has what i want, and she's complaining about it, and i would give anything to have it.
I so freakin sick of doing all the shit i do and not having anyone to share it with. I want someone to come to my dance recitals, and plays, and soccer games, and to be waiting for me to call, or to wait for just the right moment to call me. someone to sit on Henry's swing with in the middle of the night, and someone to be absolutely satisfied with me, as is, doing the simpleist things like driving to get a milkshake or playing with Henry and Claire.
The problem is, i'm really picky. Can't have someone who's stupid, and usually with the guys i fall for, i fall BECAUSE of the intellect. He can't be super conservative, only because i have certain values that i'm not willing to compromise, and it'll work better if he doesnt have to either. as heathenistic as this may sound, i dont know that i could be with someone who's extrememly religious, because i'm not and i couldn't stand to be with someone who's always trying to change the way i am. He has to have the same values: equality, education, freedom, beauty, truth, and love, (so what if i stole that from Moulin Rouge?) he has to have an appreciation for all things artistic and original, and an open mind to all things. Liberalism is a must, and i'm not specifically speaking of politics, just in general. I want a man who will put aside personal biases to make decisions, and one who doesnt have a problem admitting he's wrong (even if he's not). He would have to have a close relationship with his family, and make an attempt to build one with mine.
Am I too picky?
I wrote this poem yesterday. It's kinda how i feel, especially the first four stanzas.
Alone
I sit and watch the clouds drift by
And suddenly I start to cry
And all the world lets out a sigh
For my lonely heart
The days they pass with toil and pain
I’m standing naked in the rain
I scream out loud, I’m so insane
Life falling apart
I cry a lullaby of tears
And so I sleep away my fears
And dream about these lonely years
And wake with a start
Now I know I’ve not forgotten
All these years have been so rotten
Deep beneath the tattered cotton
Lies my lonely heart
They all say "Death, what is thou sting?"
But I say "Love what is thou sting?"
I have not known this simple thing
This wonderful Art
I’ve seen the magic run its course
Taking young, sweet hearts by force
It’s standing proud with no remorse
Love for one more heart
But ‘tis not mine that Love invades
I must have drawn the clubs or spades
Or maybe diamonds have I made
My card is no heart
I fear today, as I grow old
I’ve lived my life in moss and mold
And fear that I shall ne’er be told
Of Love from the heart
i'm really sick of soccer and i'm glad it will be over soon. i'm so sick of the whining and complaining. i'm sick of coming home with the bruises and injuries. i'm ready for it all to just be over.
And in the same respect, i'm ready for school to be over. but i really dont. I'm not ready to be a senior. I like my life and i dont want it to change in any way. I feel like the last high school episode of Boy Meets World, where Cory, Sean, Topanga and Angela all stay after on the last day of their senior year with Mr. Feeney. "We wanna know what you have left to teach us." It's a bit world and i know i'm not ready. I feel like there's so much more i need to learn here in hertford county before i can go out and tackle the bigger places. WHy can't i stay seventeen, and live my life right here, forever. That would be nice.
The last problem is crappy. It's terrible because i cant talk about it. it's eating me alive, and the fact that i have to keep it on the DL just accelerates the problem. it's this big secret because there's no certainty at all, and thats the problem. the uncertainty could mean change, which i've already said i hate. but then maybe it'll all work out. Least thats what *someone* keeps telling me. (The bath did help a little, though, thanks) <--- if you don't get that, dotn worry... it's not meant for you :-P
So i guess thats it. had that awards ceremony thingy today. that was ok... really boring and i was really annoyed with Cooper by the end, because of his *MAGNIFICENT* speaking abilities. made fun of people most of the time. dont worry, it was just the annoying or mean ones.
C'est ma vie.
I'm having a lot of problems, but we'll get to that later... PROM WAS ABSOLUTELY AWESOME!!!
We started off that Friday after school and we worked until 2:30 saturday morning... i went home and slept a while and got up to go back out there by 9 to blow up almost 600 balloons, which were all but deflated by 8 that night (grr). Well, left the school about 12 30, went and got the expedition washed for the night, worked on my toast (which i screwed up, btw), got my hair and makeup done, and by that time, tim and the family were at my house waiting to see me get pretty. Took tons of pictures at home (the ones online are only half of them) then went to eat at Mugg Shotz.
That was the coolest part of the night. I was a bit worried at first, cause Cat got held up and Swain was still helping Ms. Askew, so we had 5 people at a dinner for 8, and Brenda said she'd wait a few. Swain, Cat and Phil got there and we ate... and it was WoNdErFuL. Then, in the middle of dinner, this limo pulls up, and some people that i know get out, but they're dressed funny, and they start talking and it turns out, Brenda got some awesome people like Tommy Hurdle and Bobby Harrell, Kerstyn, and Sara Benton to dress up like stars and have dinner with us. it was the coolest thing. (Check out the pics... http://community.webshots.com/user/tinydancer5887)
Prom itself was ok, but i was really starting to get tired, and i got pissed off when i messed up the senior toast. Danced a little, but i kept getting in these situations where i could tell tim wanted to dance with me, and i felt really awkward, cause whenever theres a dance or whatever, i always dance with nikki and trisha and theres never really a guy around (stephen doesnt count) and i really just wanted to dance alone, but i did dance with him once, and then to a few slow songs/shag songs.
Which really brings me to the next problem...
I can't shake this needy mood. I feel really lonely. I guess it's just kinda hard, cause i sit with Cat ALL DAY, and she's got Phillip and they're perfectly happy, thank-you-very-much... and i see her and listen to hergo on about how happy she is, and how much she loves him, and "oh i was on the phone with phillip last night til 2"... and it gets really sickening, because a lot of times she complains, and i just feel like, almost offended, because she has what i want, and she's complaining about it, and i would give anything to have it.
I so freakin sick of doing all the shit i do and not having anyone to share it with. I want someone to come to my dance recitals, and plays, and soccer games, and to be waiting for me to call, or to wait for just the right moment to call me. someone to sit on Henry's swing with in the middle of the night, and someone to be absolutely satisfied with me, as is, doing the simpleist things like driving to get a milkshake or playing with Henry and Claire.
The problem is, i'm really picky. Can't have someone who's stupid, and usually with the guys i fall for, i fall BECAUSE of the intellect. He can't be super conservative, only because i have certain values that i'm not willing to compromise, and it'll work better if he doesnt have to either. as heathenistic as this may sound, i dont know that i could be with someone who's extrememly religious, because i'm not and i couldn't stand to be with someone who's always trying to change the way i am. He has to have the same values: equality, education, freedom, beauty, truth, and love, (so what if i stole that from Moulin Rouge?) he has to have an appreciation for all things artistic and original, and an open mind to all things. Liberalism is a must, and i'm not specifically speaking of politics, just in general. I want a man who will put aside personal biases to make decisions, and one who doesnt have a problem admitting he's wrong (even if he's not). He would have to have a close relationship with his family, and make an attempt to build one with mine.
Am I too picky?
I wrote this poem yesterday. It's kinda how i feel, especially the first four stanzas.
Alone
I sit and watch the clouds drift by
And suddenly I start to cry
And all the world lets out a sigh
For my lonely heart
The days they pass with toil and pain
I’m standing naked in the rain
I scream out loud, I’m so insane
Life falling apart
I cry a lullaby of tears
And so I sleep away my fears
And dream about these lonely years
And wake with a start
Now I know I’ve not forgotten
All these years have been so rotten
Deep beneath the tattered cotton
Lies my lonely heart
They all say "Death, what is thou sting?"
But I say "Love what is thou sting?"
I have not known this simple thing
This wonderful Art
I’ve seen the magic run its course
Taking young, sweet hearts by force
It’s standing proud with no remorse
Love for one more heart
But ‘tis not mine that Love invades
I must have drawn the clubs or spades
Or maybe diamonds have I made
My card is no heart
I fear today, as I grow old
I’ve lived my life in moss and mold
And fear that I shall ne’er be told
Of Love from the heart
i'm really sick of soccer and i'm glad it will be over soon. i'm so sick of the whining and complaining. i'm sick of coming home with the bruises and injuries. i'm ready for it all to just be over.
And in the same respect, i'm ready for school to be over. but i really dont. I'm not ready to be a senior. I like my life and i dont want it to change in any way. I feel like the last high school episode of Boy Meets World, where Cory, Sean, Topanga and Angela all stay after on the last day of their senior year with Mr. Feeney. "We wanna know what you have left to teach us." It's a bit world and i know i'm not ready. I feel like there's so much more i need to learn here in hertford county before i can go out and tackle the bigger places. WHy can't i stay seventeen, and live my life right here, forever. That would be nice.
The last problem is crappy. It's terrible because i cant talk about it. it's eating me alive, and the fact that i have to keep it on the DL just accelerates the problem. it's this big secret because there's no certainty at all, and thats the problem. the uncertainty could mean change, which i've already said i hate. but then maybe it'll all work out. Least thats what *someone* keeps telling me. (The bath did help a little, though, thanks) <--- if you don't get that, dotn worry... it's not meant for you :-P
So i guess thats it. had that awards ceremony thingy today. that was ok... really boring and i was really annoyed with Cooper by the end, because of his *MAGNIFICENT* speaking abilities. made fun of people most of the time. dont worry, it was just the annoying or mean ones.
C'est ma vie.