of course you had to bring that up
hi.
well im grounded once again, i got two weeks. I really dont understand how grounding me helps.. it didnt work last time. Im 17 years old and i STILL get grounded. lol wow. But i guess if she wants to punish me this is the best way to do it. Even spending an hour in this house makes me wanna die ... let alone two fucking weeks. I honestly dont know how im gonna do it. Im not sure if i even can .. well i know i CAN but i REALLYY dont want to. I hate being here more than anything. Its the most uncomfortable feeling when i walk in this door. I can not stand my mom. ANd ive realized something .. she always talks about how i like my dad more blah blah and ive come to the conclusion why. Both my parents have put me through some fucked up shit.. in my opinion. But i dont really care about all that. My dad maybe being the worst. When i think about it my mom HAS always been there (so has my dad but in different ways) I know she loves me, well i think so at least. SOmetimes i have my doubts but whatever. BUt anyways so yea shes always been there but shes put me through way more than my dad. Shes fucked with my head .. made me sad. shes made it to where i dont even really wanna ever be around her. Believe me, i know its a horrible thing that i feel that way but i cant control it. Ive suffered so much because she cant pull herself together. She cant get her life under control and i have to tag along for the crazy ride. Im sick of it.. i just want to live my own life. Well actually im not ready to live my own life.. i know im not ready to leave home and i know im not capable of supporting myself. But regardless i think that i deserve to be in a place that gives me comfort, not causes me turmoil and heartache. I deserve to live a stable life at home my last few teenage years before i start my own life. It makes me really sad and makes me feel hopeless when i realize that im never gonna have a life like that .. im not going to find peace in this house or around her. I know she has problems but shes making it to where i have problems, that arent necessary. Up until this year my mom has never actually made me feel BAD about myself, she never put me down. Thats all changed.. all she does is make me feel guilty about everything, even stuff im not even doing. Its kinda ridiculous in my opinion. I cant even explain how she acts towards me. Shes so twisted and ... messed up. I honestly do wish that i could help her but ive come to realize that i cant. Shes gotta help herself but obviously she doesnt want to. I know that she doesnt like being in this house either when things are like this. I mean within the past month i cant even count how many times shes told me shes gonna leave and not come back. I cant count how many times shes said she doesnt like being around me or she cant handle it. Okay well sorry mom that im a NORMAL teenager. No matter what she says about me i KNOW that im not that difficult to get along with, i KNOW that just because im not a perfect straight A student doesnt make me bad. I KNOw that just because i dont clean my fucking room im not bad. I swear, even little things like that make her FLIP. And i dont mean she just gets mad and tells me to ... she goes fucking crazy. She goes fuckin crazy about everything when it comes to me. I hate how she makes me feel like im such a hassle. Shes the hassle. But i guess for the time being ill get through it, what doesnt kill ya only makes ya stronger right? And i swear if i can get through living with her i can get through ANYTHING.
My whole life is so crazy right now. And im so sick of it, i just want some peace and quiet. So bad
Well on a brighter note Tomorrow is me and kevins 2 months. That makes my heart smile when i think about that =) hehe I really care about that boy and it makes me feel good to know that the feeling is mutual. Im really greatful for him, i can only hope he feels the same. And i WILL find a way to see him tomorrow, BELIEVE THAT =)
well im grounded once again, i got two weeks. I really dont understand how grounding me helps.. it didnt work last time. Im 17 years old and i STILL get grounded. lol wow. But i guess if she wants to punish me this is the best way to do it. Even spending an hour in this house makes me wanna die ... let alone two fucking weeks. I honestly dont know how im gonna do it. Im not sure if i even can .. well i know i CAN but i REALLYY dont want to. I hate being here more than anything. Its the most uncomfortable feeling when i walk in this door. I can not stand my mom. ANd ive realized something .. she always talks about how i like my dad more blah blah and ive come to the conclusion why. Both my parents have put me through some fucked up shit.. in my opinion. But i dont really care about all that. My dad maybe being the worst. When i think about it my mom HAS always been there (so has my dad but in different ways) I know she loves me, well i think so at least. SOmetimes i have my doubts but whatever. BUt anyways so yea shes always been there but shes put me through way more than my dad. Shes fucked with my head .. made me sad. shes made it to where i dont even really wanna ever be around her. Believe me, i know its a horrible thing that i feel that way but i cant control it. Ive suffered so much because she cant pull herself together. She cant get her life under control and i have to tag along for the crazy ride. Im sick of it.. i just want to live my own life. Well actually im not ready to live my own life.. i know im not ready to leave home and i know im not capable of supporting myself. But regardless i think that i deserve to be in a place that gives me comfort, not causes me turmoil and heartache. I deserve to live a stable life at home my last few teenage years before i start my own life. It makes me really sad and makes me feel hopeless when i realize that im never gonna have a life like that .. im not going to find peace in this house or around her. I know she has problems but shes making it to where i have problems, that arent necessary. Up until this year my mom has never actually made me feel BAD about myself, she never put me down. Thats all changed.. all she does is make me feel guilty about everything, even stuff im not even doing. Its kinda ridiculous in my opinion. I cant even explain how she acts towards me. Shes so twisted and ... messed up. I honestly do wish that i could help her but ive come to realize that i cant. Shes gotta help herself but obviously she doesnt want to. I know that she doesnt like being in this house either when things are like this. I mean within the past month i cant even count how many times shes told me shes gonna leave and not come back. I cant count how many times shes said she doesnt like being around me or she cant handle it. Okay well sorry mom that im a NORMAL teenager. No matter what she says about me i KNOW that im not that difficult to get along with, i KNOW that just because im not a perfect straight A student doesnt make me bad. I KNOw that just because i dont clean my fucking room im not bad. I swear, even little things like that make her FLIP. And i dont mean she just gets mad and tells me to ... she goes fucking crazy. She goes fuckin crazy about everything when it comes to me. I hate how she makes me feel like im such a hassle. Shes the hassle. But i guess for the time being ill get through it, what doesnt kill ya only makes ya stronger right? And i swear if i can get through living with her i can get through ANYTHING.
My whole life is so crazy right now. And im so sick of it, i just want some peace and quiet. So bad
Well on a brighter note Tomorrow is me and kevins 2 months. That makes my heart smile when i think about that =) hehe I really care about that boy and it makes me feel good to know that the feeling is mutual. Im really greatful for him, i can only hope he feels the same. And i WILL find a way to see him tomorrow, BELIEVE THAT =)