(no subject)
Okay, I was going to write all my feelings to Yahoo Answers, but who needs it? We all have it in us to solve our own problems, and we just post on the internet so other people can validate what we were already thinking. But that just leads to an anxiety about what nasty things people might say.
I think I am getting close to really departing from my family. I keep feeling like getting into graduate school far away would be the best thing that could happen to me. It’s weird. I have an attachment to my mom, but it’s not healthy. I am starting to realize how much she fucked me up by neglecting me emotionally and making me feel guilty every time I wanted to take a risk. The crazy thing is, I’m not truly an anxious person. I have anxious genes and laid back genes, and based on my experiences, it seems it’s up to will power which one will be dominant on a given day. Every negative, self-effacing thing I do, I learned from my mom. Is it her fault? I don’t know. I don’t know the extent to which she can control the terrible things she does and does not do. I’m not trying to blame her. I’m trying to decide, legitimately, if I can salvage my emotional health without detaching from her completely.
It’s really hard for me to say if I am laid back in a normal relationship. I’ve never been in one. I’ve only been close to my parents, who are both emotionally closed off (my mom is, at the same time, histrionic-yes it’s possible); my sister, who can be pretty selfish herself; an alcoholic ex-boyfriend; and a few friends here and there. Now, I have had relatively normal friendships with certain people. A lot of my relationships have been colored by my preoccupation with impressing some far-off person, no, someone who is always just out of reach. I’ve been doing it less as I get older, but at various times in my life I have escaped it but reverted in a time of stress. It’s like I want to feel like I have the chance to connect with someone, but I don’t actually want to connect with someone. Can I put my finger on any qualitative difference between the people I yearned to know and the people I stepped on to try to know them? Not really. In my head, those out-of-reach people were always perfect. But in some cases, I actually did reach these people temporarily, and they became average, no longer perfect. Yet I still repeated the pattern.
If I had to name someone I admire now, I don’t think I could. I don't really even want to be like the Bouncing Souls anymore. But I can’t say having no role models is a good thing, since I have been uncharacteristically depressed.
But back to my home life. Well, it totally sucks. I just want my home to be a secure base. I am still trying to get over my social anxiety, discomfort, Asperger's, or whatever it is. But I live in an unsupportive environment, and of course there is no such thing as a private public place, so I have nowhere to go where I can just be myself, not worry about who is around, and focus on personal growth. There is nowhere.
God. FUCK. I don’t know what the FUCK I want anymore. Everything I ever wanted always came from someone else. ALWAYS. Even when I tried to make myself seem totally unique. I don’t know how to be unique. I don’t know how to be myself. But then I think, souls aren’t real. We are what our brain predetermines us to be, combined with whatever our upbringing throws into the mix. And as for me, I just systematically take in the environment and spit back nonsensical versions of it. Like some kind of computer. Maybe everyone is doing that, but unable to perceive it.
I’m being too analytical, though. A want is something that can easily be intuited and felt viscerally. And I have felt it before. And after all, everything I’ve gotten into, though shaped by others, has been something that truly made endorphins in my brain. I could just as easily have looked up to the soccer player Mia Hamm when my stepsister did, but I didn’t, because it wasn’t one of my potential trajectories.
I’m not 100% sure where I’m going with this, by the way, but for some reason the physical act of typing out things that were only from my mind just makes me feel so much better. Well, I kind of feel numb. I don’t know how I can be happy.
Now, let me think of the things that give me pleasure, that I gravitate towards. Let’s separate out the things that are just homeostatic and universal… food, sex, human connection, etc. What else makes me happy? Lots of things, I guess, but they are generally centered around art and intellect. Also, I do have an unhealthy obsession with global impact and solving community problems, BUT it feels like an obligation. Not the kind that is socially forced and you don’t want to do it on any level. I want to do it, but only because I feel like it’s my (and everyone’s) duty to solve every single problem I can, because there are just so many problems. So, in my head, the best way to do that is systematically, so I have the dream of starting a huge, systematic organization. But I have no way of predicting whether that achievement would truly make me happy. I’m pretty much 50/50 on it. I’d love to try it, and I wouldn’t feel bad for the lost time if I didn’t like it, but I’d feel guilty if I accepted funding and faith from people and gave up later. I guess that’s why I’m not putting my heart into it. But maybe I should trust that, if I don’t put my heart into it, I don’t really want to do it? But that would mean I don’t really want to do anything. I only put energy into school work, but I already hate where that leads, and do that out of obligation and default at best.
Really, the way I picture myself is just this lazy, immobile lump, desperate for human connection but not putting any effort into it. That pretty much sums it up.