(no subject)
Lately I’ve been trying to improve myself and I’ve actually had improvements. I’ve also been thinking a LOT about what makes me happy and why I put my energy into certain things. This is because I’ve had to wonder, if I really enjoy what I’m doing now, why do I always feel so depressed and unsatisfied?
First, let me go over some things I read online about making friends. First, I read that lonely people learn to distract themselves from their loneliness and adapt to it. I am definitely doing this. I get sucked into the computer and make up tons of things I “have” to do there, things I want to do, etc. so that I can never spend enough time on the computer. I always feel occupied when I use it, never bored or lonely. If people try to talk to me or interrupt my internet time, I get angry. Could this really all just be a distraction? I think I should start logging my time to see how I really waste it. Also, instead of assuming there is nothing better to do, I should make a list of things I can do at home, and events where I can make new friends, and places I can check out, and make it a point to do something interesting offline every day. If I have no reason to use it, I will turn it off. Then when people come in, I won’t have to freak out quite as much. Or maybe I won’t even be here!
It also says that lonely people expect friends to happen to them and don’t do any work. This is true for me, since I grew up making friends that way and up until recently it always worked. When it stopped working, I did start trying to approach people, but nothing ever came of it. However, this guide is saying that once you are talking to someone, you should assume that YOU are the one who has to ask them to hang out first. They could be too shy to ask, or they may not have thought about hanging out with you but they would if they thought about it. The main thing is I have to stop worrying about looking weird or “eager,” and stop worrying about rejection. The vast majority of people will probably say yes, and we will have a good time. And once I start racking up successes, any failures won’t be a big deal.
Another website brings up another good point, which is more about being a good friend and maintaining friends (but may apply to initial conversations as well). Don’t talk badly about other people! I wouldn't do that in front of someone I barely know, but I do it sometimes in front of friends and acquaintances. Well, it says that whatever you say about another person, people will associate it with you. So you want to say only good things.
Okay, so improvements, little things we can celebrate. The smallest one is that I have been snapping less at my family and spending a little more time with them. I still have problems that will be another day’s work. I have been hanging out with my sister MUCH more, although our relationship is extremely ambivalent. For some reason, we can’t break the cycle of mutual judgment and sabotage. I guess it’s because our relationships with our parents, and our support from them, seem so fickle and finite that we feel we have to fight over it. I guess I should be the one to stop, and then she will too.
I have also been initiating social contact a lot more. I just feel like the conversations I’ve always had with people next to me in class have been a lot more successful this year. I have been practicing social skills that I read about online, and though I expect these friendships to end with the semester, I feel like these people do respect and like me. Next semester maybe I can gain the courage to hang out with someone. Outside of school though, I’ve been going to Montclair Vegan meetups. Having veganism in common with someone makes it really easy to gain rapport and like each other. The people there recognize me and, I think, enjoy talking to me. I don’t even think it’s necessary to hang out elsewhere, since these meetups will continue, but “mixing” there is great practice for doing so elsewhere.