suicide is not a joke!
haha, okay, I'm sorry, but I just have to do one more overdramatic post from my journal/diary thing. I just think it's funny that I said, "hm...so if I were gonna kill myself...what would I say?" and I actually have legitimate material for a suicide note. Not that there is ever a good excuse to kill oneself, but compared to most of the people who
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I wish I had the right words to say to make it all better, but I'm starting to wonder if there ever are right words. Then again, like you, I am disillusioned. The world feels increasingly shallow and meaningless, and its inhabitants forgetful of their own existence, their own duty to the world. Still, like you, I must find the beautiful moments. The nuances of great (and not-so-great) architecture, those moments early in the morning or late at night when the whole world around you looks like a ton of stars setting into motion, the way sometimes in autumn the sky looks very far away and you can feel the little intake of cold air when you breathe. To me, those are the moments that make life so amazing. They are the daily miracles that so many people (myself included) forget to take the time to appreciate. However, there are some of us out there who will sometimes just stop and take a look around or help a stranger with a heavy door or give directions to someone who looks hopelessly lost. And I suppose that is the best I can say to the first half.
As to the second bit about the boy who does not love you in return: I've been there. I was there for three years. Ok, he wasn't married, but he may as well have been. Plus, he spent a solid six months confusing me with secretive gestures of affection. Simply put, they were the most painful years of my life so far, but they were also some of the most important. In caring for and ultimately losing him, I think I also learned about who I am. I had to draw on all my self-esteem reserves to face him each time, and even then, I used to fall apart. But to finally quit--to say "screw you, jerk," dust myself off, and turn away from him--made me appreciate the fact that I *can* do that. My self-worth is not contingent upon the opinion of some dude who's too blind to see how awesome I am and how not deserving of his confusing shit I am.
Anyway, my reply probably made no sense at all. Sorry for that. It's late, and my head is going fuzzy. Still, I hope you find the helpful words you're looking for. <3
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No it actually all made a lot of sense, I always like to know that I'm not alone. Well, I mean, I know that, but I often forget. And we're just going to keep on living the way we live, because there's nothing else we can do but fade away.
And you're totally right about the second part too. I'm in the process of getting over this, and some days I feel like it's behind me, and other days I feel like it has a complete hold of me. I think that's how it is getting over something so strong. Someday the latter won't happen anymore.
I sort of slept on it, read your reply, and came to those conclusions. :)
THANK YOU.
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