suicide is not a joke!
haha, okay, I'm sorry, but I just have to do one more overdramatic post from my journal/diary thing. I just think it's funny that I said, "hm...so if I were gonna kill myself...what would I say?" and I actually have legitimate material for a suicide note. Not that there is ever a good excuse to kill oneself, but compared to most of the people who do it, I think my reasons are pretty good. (So yeah it's like basically a letter to no one, because no one cares, saying that I'm not gonna commit suicide, but if I WERE...then this is why.)
To whom it may concern:
I've always put others before myself, and that's why I'm not going to kill myself. Maybe I'm better off dead, but the world is not better off without me. No, I was born into this hell for a reason, maybe to stop for one second the eternal burning. Maybe. If I were suicidal, though, this would be why...
I, like all the like-minded ones before me, am disillusioned with humanity. I'd give up everything I have to make it better, but 75% of the people on this planet would give anything to keep the hell burning, and the other 25% don't care either way. This world isn't one I would have chosen, and not one I particularly enjoy inhabiting. But I'm one of those silly people who seeks beauty, and I find it. Everywhere. I need to preserve that, and I will. I promise.
Bone that I gotta pick...Why is everyone too busy building some selfish life for themselves (and/or their families-when are you gonna realize that's just as selfish?), to care about anyone else? Here I am, holding out my hand as I've been for so long, reaching out to ANYONE, wanting to connect and offering anything in return, but no one reaches for my hand. No one wants to connect with me. Sometimes they come close, sometimes I think we will hold hands, but they always fall away in due time. But I can see the selfishness in their eyes when they reach for some other person's hand. Is that why? Does everyone just want to match up their selfish motives with someone else's? One person is all I wanted. One out of seven billion. Why not?
Then, if that weren't enough to make me feel lonely, Cupid decided to strike me with one of his most lethal arrows; unfortunately, the object of my affection had already been struck a long time ago and is now happily married. What I wouldn't give just for the "happily." I don't know him, I only think I do. Sure, he is beautiful as deep as I know, but there's an ocean beneath the waves I've seen. I'll never, ever know what it looks like. That should make me move on, but instead it just penetrates my heart and creates a huge, painful void. Yeah - OUCH. I've put everything into that void; nothing could ever satisfy it like he could. But reality is in the way of my being with him. My heart is in the way of my being with anyone else, or being alone, and if there's anything I know, it's that my heart is more real to me than reality will ever be. What am I to do?
And that isn't even the half of it. I'm broken all over, and every second of my life is a constant struggle to fix myself. Every time I think it's working, I realize that I feel even more irreparable than before. It's going to take another pair of hands to fix me...but whose? I've got no close friends, my own family only makes small talk with me, and the only person I have ever loved doesn't even care that I exist. I just walk around with all these scars under my skin, and no heart because I lost it to that man. Like, really, it's like practically sitting on his doorstep and he doesn't even notice - am I ever gonna get that back? I feel like everyone can see this, that that's why no one wants to take their chances getting close to me. I almost wish it, because if not, what is the problem? But anyway, I'm always ready with hopeful thoughts, I've got an invincible faith. I'm ready. How much longer am I gonna have to wait?
So, what if I didn't believe I'm meant to make a difference? What if I wasn't afraid to erase myself from this ugly place? What would you think? How would you feel? Would you even blink?
Amanda
Why do I post this here? I don't really know, no one's even reading it. I guess I feel like maybe someone will stumble upon it and end up telling me what I need to hear. It almost never works out that way, but there's always that chance.
To whom it may concern:
I've always put others before myself, and that's why I'm not going to kill myself. Maybe I'm better off dead, but the world is not better off without me. No, I was born into this hell for a reason, maybe to stop for one second the eternal burning. Maybe. If I were suicidal, though, this would be why...
I, like all the like-minded ones before me, am disillusioned with humanity. I'd give up everything I have to make it better, but 75% of the people on this planet would give anything to keep the hell burning, and the other 25% don't care either way. This world isn't one I would have chosen, and not one I particularly enjoy inhabiting. But I'm one of those silly people who seeks beauty, and I find it. Everywhere. I need to preserve that, and I will. I promise.
Bone that I gotta pick...Why is everyone too busy building some selfish life for themselves (and/or their families-when are you gonna realize that's just as selfish?), to care about anyone else? Here I am, holding out my hand as I've been for so long, reaching out to ANYONE, wanting to connect and offering anything in return, but no one reaches for my hand. No one wants to connect with me. Sometimes they come close, sometimes I think we will hold hands, but they always fall away in due time. But I can see the selfishness in their eyes when they reach for some other person's hand. Is that why? Does everyone just want to match up their selfish motives with someone else's? One person is all I wanted. One out of seven billion. Why not?
Then, if that weren't enough to make me feel lonely, Cupid decided to strike me with one of his most lethal arrows; unfortunately, the object of my affection had already been struck a long time ago and is now happily married. What I wouldn't give just for the "happily." I don't know him, I only think I do. Sure, he is beautiful as deep as I know, but there's an ocean beneath the waves I've seen. I'll never, ever know what it looks like. That should make me move on, but instead it just penetrates my heart and creates a huge, painful void. Yeah - OUCH. I've put everything into that void; nothing could ever satisfy it like he could. But reality is in the way of my being with him. My heart is in the way of my being with anyone else, or being alone, and if there's anything I know, it's that my heart is more real to me than reality will ever be. What am I to do?
And that isn't even the half of it. I'm broken all over, and every second of my life is a constant struggle to fix myself. Every time I think it's working, I realize that I feel even more irreparable than before. It's going to take another pair of hands to fix me...but whose? I've got no close friends, my own family only makes small talk with me, and the only person I have ever loved doesn't even care that I exist. I just walk around with all these scars under my skin, and no heart because I lost it to that man. Like, really, it's like practically sitting on his doorstep and he doesn't even notice - am I ever gonna get that back? I feel like everyone can see this, that that's why no one wants to take their chances getting close to me. I almost wish it, because if not, what is the problem? But anyway, I'm always ready with hopeful thoughts, I've got an invincible faith. I'm ready. How much longer am I gonna have to wait?
So, what if I didn't believe I'm meant to make a difference? What if I wasn't afraid to erase myself from this ugly place? What would you think? How would you feel? Would you even blink?
Amanda
Why do I post this here? I don't really know, no one's even reading it. I guess I feel like maybe someone will stumble upon it and end up telling me what I need to hear. It almost never works out that way, but there's always that chance.