(no subject)
since i cant sleep ill tell you a story.. if this were to happen then most likely i would have never have met all the wonderful people i did meet. im bored and when im bored and cant sleep i like to write a story. and its true.
about a year ago, i was in the philippines, it was my 3rd time going back now im 19 at the time last time i was 13 and 7, odd numbers. i dont really like odd numbers. anyways, i went there for a 50th wedding anniversary. for my grandma and grandpas on my mothers side. i met so many people who i was realated to, and i felt like i was a star. i guess i have always felt that way because i was the first born and everyone had their " eyes on me" i dont mean to brag, but when my mother was pregnat with me she was the first one out of her friends to be knocked up so i was like everyones god son. pretty neat?
anyways the philippines , i liked it so much i thought of going to school there for nursing. lets make this short... i didnt end up going to school there becuase my parents believed that i would just be the spoiled american that gets what he wants and parties liek paris hilton. that part was true. i mean... the allowance i was gonna get was far more than what even the high paid people get paid in a month.. and this was a weekly allowance for me. i dont want to give figures, but yeah... it was enough for me to have a family of my own and have kids and enough to take them to private school with their own rides.. so... i didnt go. that sucked.. i really wanted to go there because i felt like i was home. and when u find a home... home is where the heart is. i was born here in america but grown up with the filipino values, although i havnet used it as much as i would like to have used it..thats why i wanted to stay there. i wanted to know basically the ROOTS.. where everything started? im tired of questioning my mom and dad about where and what this is, and who is that, i want to go there and do my own..scavenger hunt- it would have been great. for example. i never met my grandfather on my dads side, because he passed away before i was even born, i would like to track down his family or the cousins around the area i would have stayed and asked what he was like, and maybe peice together something with my dad.. maybe find out why he is like this.. i mean even to this day. the 20 years of living this life. im closer to my mother than my father, its like we are open, but not open enough. i just want to know the roots. damn i got so side tracked.... i dont even know why im writing this.
oh yes....then i met a girl. name was caroline. i think i was pretty stupid to fall in love in the summer....we all knw summer ends and fall begins... but i didnt know that, thats how real filipnos roll. she told me she loved me and i belived it. it was a great 3months and it sucked when i came back to the wonderful red white and blue country. communication was just very hard and she counldnt understand that i worked so much and play harder, she thought i never had time for her. anyways.. i guess. just like celebrities, we split up. ( now shes carrying a child.. NOT MINE!!! folks...) its just crazy how life works out, its like this one big paper will all these equations or whatever you want to view it as. its just one big canvas waiting to be seen.
i thought i was gonna write something about why i want the philippines but now im going to change it to, why jay is dumb.
right after the break up. i met another lady, a lil bit older and a lil bit more my type. so i thought. i think the reason why i got scared was because she came on too strong. she came just as strong as the summer love but i didnt care..maybe i was just on the rebound? i really dont know, i would tell you if i knew anyways, we had a getaway, and things just stop. i think i broke her heart...or maybe just giving her the attention someone needed to give her, it could have been anyone. i was the first guy she kissed, which i found kinda...um..._____ insert word there i cant think of one.
i laid low for a lil bit and met another girl. i knew that i shouldnt have gotten myself into this situation, after what i knew what was happening... i wish i can say more than that, but dont want to. its just not me anymore. i dont want to get the guilt trip... ( just read old blogs or something, i might have mention it there before...but im not going to do it here.) maybe we were just friends, maybe we were more. i dont know, whatever it was it was great. and like great things, it fell.. fell harder than anything i can think of. we were really inseprable and we always hung out, during work lunch breaks, parties, clubs anything... it was alot of fun. but something came up, and the unexpected happens, and u know when accidents happen. anyways, she found her own road and i disapproved of it. some kind of engagedment happened and i wasnt there to see it. maybe it was for the better, anyways... it was one of the best times i have ever spent with someone, who UNDERSTOOD ME. i think i screwed that one up. karma was good to me on this one.
2006 hits. happy new year folks. jay has been hit with a new career and i said to myself, maybe ill be a firefighter/paramedic, so i did the EMT thing jan-april. it was nice.im still waiting to be nationally cert. dang gov't takes forever for paper work! i met a lot of new people this 2006, i have travled more by myself and the people i met along the way, i hope i have impacted your lives, i mean u have on me. it made me become more of a better person and taught me not to let anyone in. i have standards.. we all should have standards. feb. hit and it was valentines day, i think i had a valentine im not so sure if it was or not, i didnt really get anything.. but i sent out my love.. ha...
oh with this lady i said my goodbye but not attending something important for her, once again it was for the best, if i had, think it would have hurt me more than it did and maybe i would have not moved on to bigger and better things.
i guess you just have to stop dragging out the past, because it just waste so much "new time" to start new mistakes, take new chances...
wow i like to keep at it when i cant sleep.
so to all the ladies that i kinda sorta mentioned in the blog... im sorry.. im sorry for what i did, im sorry if i hurt you. it wasnt because it was your fault, it was mine... after all im a guy. its always our fault.
thats probably why now, i drown myself working 13hours m-thurs and try to find new things to do fri-sun i need to find my INNER SELF. i cant be so fake with people, because thats just being fake with myself.
so theres my YEAR OF REGRET.
if i went away for school and start a new life. this wouldnt have happened. like a butterfly effect.
<3 jay.
( please comment, this is long as hell and i want some feedback :) )
about a year ago, i was in the philippines, it was my 3rd time going back now im 19 at the time last time i was 13 and 7, odd numbers. i dont really like odd numbers. anyways, i went there for a 50th wedding anniversary. for my grandma and grandpas on my mothers side. i met so many people who i was realated to, and i felt like i was a star. i guess i have always felt that way because i was the first born and everyone had their " eyes on me" i dont mean to brag, but when my mother was pregnat with me she was the first one out of her friends to be knocked up so i was like everyones god son. pretty neat?
anyways the philippines , i liked it so much i thought of going to school there for nursing. lets make this short... i didnt end up going to school there becuase my parents believed that i would just be the spoiled american that gets what he wants and parties liek paris hilton. that part was true. i mean... the allowance i was gonna get was far more than what even the high paid people get paid in a month.. and this was a weekly allowance for me. i dont want to give figures, but yeah... it was enough for me to have a family of my own and have kids and enough to take them to private school with their own rides.. so... i didnt go. that sucked.. i really wanted to go there because i felt like i was home. and when u find a home... home is where the heart is. i was born here in america but grown up with the filipino values, although i havnet used it as much as i would like to have used it..thats why i wanted to stay there. i wanted to know basically the ROOTS.. where everything started? im tired of questioning my mom and dad about where and what this is, and who is that, i want to go there and do my own..scavenger hunt- it would have been great. for example. i never met my grandfather on my dads side, because he passed away before i was even born, i would like to track down his family or the cousins around the area i would have stayed and asked what he was like, and maybe peice together something with my dad.. maybe find out why he is like this.. i mean even to this day. the 20 years of living this life. im closer to my mother than my father, its like we are open, but not open enough. i just want to know the roots. damn i got so side tracked.... i dont even know why im writing this.
oh yes....then i met a girl. name was caroline. i think i was pretty stupid to fall in love in the summer....we all knw summer ends and fall begins... but i didnt know that, thats how real filipnos roll. she told me she loved me and i belived it. it was a great 3months and it sucked when i came back to the wonderful red white and blue country. communication was just very hard and she counldnt understand that i worked so much and play harder, she thought i never had time for her. anyways.. i guess. just like celebrities, we split up. ( now shes carrying a child.. NOT MINE!!! folks...) its just crazy how life works out, its like this one big paper will all these equations or whatever you want to view it as. its just one big canvas waiting to be seen.
i thought i was gonna write something about why i want the philippines but now im going to change it to, why jay is dumb.
right after the break up. i met another lady, a lil bit older and a lil bit more my type. so i thought. i think the reason why i got scared was because she came on too strong. she came just as strong as the summer love but i didnt care..maybe i was just on the rebound? i really dont know, i would tell you if i knew anyways, we had a getaway, and things just stop. i think i broke her heart...or maybe just giving her the attention someone needed to give her, it could have been anyone. i was the first guy she kissed, which i found kinda...um..._____ insert word there i cant think of one.
i laid low for a lil bit and met another girl. i knew that i shouldnt have gotten myself into this situation, after what i knew what was happening... i wish i can say more than that, but dont want to. its just not me anymore. i dont want to get the guilt trip... ( just read old blogs or something, i might have mention it there before...but im not going to do it here.) maybe we were just friends, maybe we were more. i dont know, whatever it was it was great. and like great things, it fell.. fell harder than anything i can think of. we were really inseprable and we always hung out, during work lunch breaks, parties, clubs anything... it was alot of fun. but something came up, and the unexpected happens, and u know when accidents happen. anyways, she found her own road and i disapproved of it. some kind of engagedment happened and i wasnt there to see it. maybe it was for the better, anyways... it was one of the best times i have ever spent with someone, who UNDERSTOOD ME. i think i screwed that one up. karma was good to me on this one.
2006 hits. happy new year folks. jay has been hit with a new career and i said to myself, maybe ill be a firefighter/paramedic, so i did the EMT thing jan-april. it was nice.im still waiting to be nationally cert. dang gov't takes forever for paper work! i met a lot of new people this 2006, i have travled more by myself and the people i met along the way, i hope i have impacted your lives, i mean u have on me. it made me become more of a better person and taught me not to let anyone in. i have standards.. we all should have standards. feb. hit and it was valentines day, i think i had a valentine im not so sure if it was or not, i didnt really get anything.. but i sent out my love.. ha...
oh with this lady i said my goodbye but not attending something important for her, once again it was for the best, if i had, think it would have hurt me more than it did and maybe i would have not moved on to bigger and better things.
i guess you just have to stop dragging out the past, because it just waste so much "new time" to start new mistakes, take new chances...
wow i like to keep at it when i cant sleep.
so to all the ladies that i kinda sorta mentioned in the blog... im sorry.. im sorry for what i did, im sorry if i hurt you. it wasnt because it was your fault, it was mine... after all im a guy. its always our fault.
thats probably why now, i drown myself working 13hours m-thurs and try to find new things to do fri-sun i need to find my INNER SELF. i cant be so fake with people, because thats just being fake with myself.
so theres my YEAR OF REGRET.
if i went away for school and start a new life. this wouldnt have happened. like a butterfly effect.
<3 jay.
( please comment, this is long as hell and i want some feedback :) )