i could throw you out into the ocean
last nite i had a bunch of more crazy dreams. it's been a month now since i talked to t, and it just makes me feel sadder every single day. i miss him and now i know that i love him and want to be with him but i think he hates me. i saw that he deleted our group chat with his other friend and it made me so sad inside. he wants to forget about me. i'm so scare that he will get back together with his wife just to keep his kids. she seems like an idiot that would end up taking him back. i wish i knew what to do. i wish i could just talk to him again. even if we just had to be friends, i really feel that he's my soulmate. it's so sad for me because i have only ever been in love twice and neither of those people wanted to be with me. i guess i'm destined to be alone forever but i know in my heart that we could have a good life together, we could be in love and it makes me so sad and angry that nobody will ever give me the chance to show them how much love is inside of my heart. how i would devote everything to him if i could just make him see me. i don't want anybody else.
everything makes me sad now. i even had to turn off rhoc last nite because tamra has a new bf and how in love they are reminds me of my chemistry with t. even strangers could feel it when we were out. i am drinking a lot more and i would like to quit but right now i just want to be numb. i know it's not the answer but i wish i could just take a pill and wake up and not remember anything. i think it's one of the reasons why i'm having so many bad dreams. last nite, the one that i had wasn't really bad it was just confusing. i dreamt that i had a lot of boyfriends that thought i was beautiful and t was one of them. he told me i was beautiful and that he loved me and my heart was so happy, i wanted to cry. another bf in my dream told me the same but then said to me "i could throw you out into the ocean" which sounds scary and mean, but in the dream it meant that he loved me. i didn't tell him i loved him back tho, because i would be lying. when i woke up i felt like i did something wrong against t. even tho he doesn't know that i exist anymore, i still love him. i am going to continue to light my candles, pray over my crystals and burn incense to help bring him back to me. i deserve to be in love and have it returned to me one time in my life.