(no subject)
I can feel people pushing me away, which sounds awful, but I guess it's better than having everyone say "why can't you be home" and making me feel guilty: whaddup, optimism! I know six weeks isn't exactly the longest time to be away from home, but it is longer than a week-long vacation and is more than 50% of my summer. I'm just scared, I guess, which is all I keep saying to myself and everyone around me. "I'm scared no one will miss me and I'm scared I won't make any friends." I'm treating this like death, which is exactly what it isn't; this is my time to prove myself, the best indication to Cornell of how I will perform if given the opportunity to be a full-time student. I need this and I need to be amazing, something I haven't felt or been in quite some time. This program I have been looking forward to since eighth grade is absolutely consuming me and I don't like that.
I'm starting to dislike a lot of my friends, some of which I'm actually starting to - dare I say - hate. My problem is I look for faults and failures and personality blunders without even meaning to, resulting in this warped view of people. And if this characteristic continually comes up, this blister builds inside of me until I get really tired of the person and either coldly chew them out or cut them from my life completely. I think this makes me a bad person; no, I know this makes me a bad person.
This house I sit in right now is wearing me out. I feel like a homeless man living in a building that I do not belong in. Church isn't even a home either; it's changed and will never be the same again. I have no idea what the fuck happened, but it's gone. I've liked to think of people as my home, but I like to travel too much, so my home is constantly changing. Anyone need a roommate?
My sister and I cleaned my car. It's beautiful. That was definitely worth saying for future reference.
Oh yeah, and I'm a fucking idiot. I let down my mom constantly and I feel like no matter how hard I try, I will always be a burden for her. She has never given me the impression that I can accomplish anything and, on multiple occasions, has told me I'm the reason she's going through depression and cries at night.
To leave this on a good note, I did amazingly well on my term paper. Considering I never handed in my source cards, didn't read any of the four books my thesis focused on, and made up page numbers for more than half of the paper, my score was impressive.
I'm starting to dislike a lot of my friends, some of which I'm actually starting to - dare I say - hate. My problem is I look for faults and failures and personality blunders without even meaning to, resulting in this warped view of people. And if this characteristic continually comes up, this blister builds inside of me until I get really tired of the person and either coldly chew them out or cut them from my life completely. I think this makes me a bad person; no, I know this makes me a bad person.
This house I sit in right now is wearing me out. I feel like a homeless man living in a building that I do not belong in. Church isn't even a home either; it's changed and will never be the same again. I have no idea what the fuck happened, but it's gone. I've liked to think of people as my home, but I like to travel too much, so my home is constantly changing. Anyone need a roommate?
My sister and I cleaned my car. It's beautiful. That was definitely worth saying for future reference.
Oh yeah, and I'm a fucking idiot. I let down my mom constantly and I feel like no matter how hard I try, I will always be a burden for her. She has never given me the impression that I can accomplish anything and, on multiple occasions, has told me I'm the reason she's going through depression and cries at night.
To leave this on a good note, I did amazingly well on my term paper. Considering I never handed in my source cards, didn't read any of the four books my thesis focused on, and made up page numbers for more than half of the paper, my score was impressive.