(no subject)
I am sitting in the newspaper lab.
Elizabeth is typing away next to me, and Andy is across the room. Elizabeth and I are the staff writers, and Andy covers sports. He's neat.
Last night I kissed a boy on the cheek. It wasn't because I like him, it was to show appreciation and be friendly. And then I considered how Elizabeth might take it, and I regretted it because it may not have been taken in the spirit it was given.
But I don't know.
I've been thinking about it a little.
I dig my classes; Shakespeare makes me not really like Shakespeare, but it's okay. We could get into a hardcore discussion about the "timeless bard" or whatever the fuck, but it doesn't matter enough.
Astronomy is easy. Elizabeth and I thought we would be taking the same course, but we have different teachers so hers is way harder than mine. I get done with my shit and then we puzzle out hers together.
Spanish is meh. Just Spanish, y'know?
I still can't find a job, but I got an app for GameStop the other day and the guy who gave it to me was really nice and blahblah I know it's dumb but I figure they'll hire me because I am a girl.
I met this girl Tina who's in NA and AA and all that and we've all been hanging out lately. She is actually physically a he, and I wouldn't mention it, but it's become an issue in life. Elizabeth's AA sponsor says Tina is no good (because she is who she is and dresses like she's 13, not 51) and a detriment to our recovery. But I don't know what to think. She isn't really serious about quitting drinking and such, but something alcoholics can't really grasp is that not every person who experiments or likes to have two drinks every friday at karaoke is an alcoholic.
And yeah Elizabeth can't be caught around that stuff but she avoids it like the plague so she isn't going to do anything. It isn't worth it. People in the program take a lot of pride in their clean date. I know I do. I wish I hadn't drank or smoked that last time, because I'd have that much more time clean. And in meetings when they ask if you want to announce clean time, I want to say I'm stronger than that. Because I really am. I know I don't need any of these things. I know it, and I don't have any problem admitting it. I never did. It's just, I miss it so much. I want to do all of that shit.
I vividly, distinctly remember the taste of opium tea. How to hold the tinfoil and position the dissembled pen when freebasing h. I remember how my beloved two-foot bong looks, and the steamroller Elizabeth bought me for Christmas, with the thick clear glass and the pretty pink and purple stars. I remember the grit of crushed up e tabs and the sugar cubes laced with LSD that tasted like the inside of a pocket.
But that doesn't have to be how it is. I don't have to go back to that, and all I think about are the good times. Not the time I couldn't stop crying on mushrooms, or all the times I was coming down off my trip and I was the last one awake, when the ceiling would start coming down in waves and the bathroom floor would disappear.
But it was neat.
And it sucks but now I have something else I like because it reminds me of the parties we threw. Coffee reminds me of coke. But I think caffiene tolerance builds pretty fast so I don't drink it every day.
Blahblahblaah oh well it doesn't matter.
Love you.
6/5/09
Elizabeth is typing away next to me, and Andy is across the room. Elizabeth and I are the staff writers, and Andy covers sports. He's neat.
Last night I kissed a boy on the cheek. It wasn't because I like him, it was to show appreciation and be friendly. And then I considered how Elizabeth might take it, and I regretted it because it may not have been taken in the spirit it was given.
But I don't know.
I've been thinking about it a little.
I dig my classes; Shakespeare makes me not really like Shakespeare, but it's okay. We could get into a hardcore discussion about the "timeless bard" or whatever the fuck, but it doesn't matter enough.
Astronomy is easy. Elizabeth and I thought we would be taking the same course, but we have different teachers so hers is way harder than mine. I get done with my shit and then we puzzle out hers together.
Spanish is meh. Just Spanish, y'know?
I still can't find a job, but I got an app for GameStop the other day and the guy who gave it to me was really nice and blahblah I know it's dumb but I figure they'll hire me because I am a girl.
I met this girl Tina who's in NA and AA and all that and we've all been hanging out lately. She is actually physically a he, and I wouldn't mention it, but it's become an issue in life. Elizabeth's AA sponsor says Tina is no good (because she is who she is and dresses like she's 13, not 51) and a detriment to our recovery. But I don't know what to think. She isn't really serious about quitting drinking and such, but something alcoholics can't really grasp is that not every person who experiments or likes to have two drinks every friday at karaoke is an alcoholic.
And yeah Elizabeth can't be caught around that stuff but she avoids it like the plague so she isn't going to do anything. It isn't worth it. People in the program take a lot of pride in their clean date. I know I do. I wish I hadn't drank or smoked that last time, because I'd have that much more time clean. And in meetings when they ask if you want to announce clean time, I want to say I'm stronger than that. Because I really am. I know I don't need any of these things. I know it, and I don't have any problem admitting it. I never did. It's just, I miss it so much. I want to do all of that shit.
I vividly, distinctly remember the taste of opium tea. How to hold the tinfoil and position the dissembled pen when freebasing h. I remember how my beloved two-foot bong looks, and the steamroller Elizabeth bought me for Christmas, with the thick clear glass and the pretty pink and purple stars. I remember the grit of crushed up e tabs and the sugar cubes laced with LSD that tasted like the inside of a pocket.
But that doesn't have to be how it is. I don't have to go back to that, and all I think about are the good times. Not the time I couldn't stop crying on mushrooms, or all the times I was coming down off my trip and I was the last one awake, when the ceiling would start coming down in waves and the bathroom floor would disappear.
But it was neat.
And it sucks but now I have something else I like because it reminds me of the parties we threw. Coffee reminds me of coke. But I think caffiene tolerance builds pretty fast so I don't drink it every day.
Blahblahblaah oh well it doesn't matter.
Love you.
6/5/09