random rambles
theres not much to really truly say i just feel that this needs to be put on the screen instead of sitting in my head. i hate the holidays. i hate the holidays so much because it reminds me that i have no life and no one to spend these special times with. i have such bad luck with guys and more than anything in the world i want to get a present on christmas at night that isn't anything expensive or amazing but just SPECIAL. something that the guy put time and thought into. more than anything when i kiss someone on new years when the ball drops i'd like it to be meaningful instead of just some random person i know. more than anything in the world i'd like to just be happy for once and not get slapped in the face by reality even when i thought i was doing a good job. i'm not going to lie no matter how many times i tell myself i don't miss chris...i do...and thats shitty because the whole break up was shitty and i should still hate him...which i do...but i miss him at the same time. I miss friends who i could hang out with that actually really liked me and half the time i didn't have to sit there defending myself because people are making fun of me. I miss friends who let me do what i wanted and didn't judge me for it no matter what it was that i was doing. I just wish i could pick parts of my life over the last couple of years and combine them together to have what i would consider to be the perfect life. But that doesn't actually happen now does it and i can't sit around waiting for it to happen. But then again i guess u do have to wait for the good things in life so i really don't have a choice now do i? UH SHITTY!!! anyway i'm going to go pretend i'm not sick.