long december
hey guys i know i havent written in a while, but i need to get a few things off of my chest. anyone who reads this probably reads rachels and knows that currently we are not together anymore. And just for the record, i do not wish to offend anyone within the entry i am about to post, so please don't take offense to it. most of it i just need to write just to get it out of my head.
Ok. so as i was saying, iuno. i just find myself getting more and more upset with myself and what ive let happen to me and rachel. I know it was my fault for not stepping up and helping out around the house, and the fact that i lost my job at sonic didn't help. I fust wish that i can turn back time and do it all over again. Although i know that inevitably, i could not stop rachels feelings for samuel, and i would have just ended up here anyways. It just fucking sucks. like one of the reasons i hated working for sonic, was because i started having thoughts that i haven't had since high school. bad thoughts. And it seemed like i was starting to get over that hump again, and then all of this shit gets dumped in my lap, and now i just don't know what to do. ive got so many thoughts running through my head right now. some of them bad, some of them reasonable. Im not gonna lie, right after the night that all of the shit hit the fan, i thought seriously about just yanking the wheel of my car into a ditch or something. but i didn't. i just couldn't, because then i thought about how many people it would upset, including rachel. but then those bad high school thoughts started to over whelm my mind with images of me doing many violent things to a certain individual. things that i will not discuss because i fear that these disturbing images will cloud my mind, and my judgement of the situation. I swear, i really wanted to kill him that night. but i then started to set those feelings aside, and tell myself to let it go. just let it go. i tried to look at it from a different angle, and i came to this conclusion. if rachel is truely happier with him than me, then thats where she should be. she deserves someone who could make her happy. In the meantime, i have to find a new way to make her happy with me again, that way maybe that last little shred of hope that i have been hanging on for the past week and a half may start to unfold and build itself into a rekindled relationship with rachel. but i know what i must do. i hve to get a job down here, and prove to rachel that i can be a man, grow up, and start being able to provide for her the way that i never could. Now, as i have been trying to deal with this, i have gotten closer to some of my friends down here, but i fear that in doing that, i fear that i have driven them further from rachel. and i worry that the same statement can be said by rachel, but with my name at the end. i no longer know my state of friendship with jessica, or johnothan, or lenny...but i hope that it still stands strong with the title of friends. Dan and Melinda have been great to talk to, and they tell me that they still want to be friends with rachel, but rachel seems to think otherwise. mel just wants her side of the story, and dan is staying out of it. they don't want any tension between us if inadvertantly me and rachel were to get back together. I am trying to let the situation go, but its so hard when its just not going to stop. its not like i can ignore the situation, and pretend that everythings o.k., i just can't. and i know rachel knows its hard for me, but i try so hard on the phone to not get all eyore and start crying. its just so fucking hard...i can't seem to stop thinking about her, and it fucking sucks because if i need to be alone in this house, i can't. i don't have a room where i can sit and be by myself and collect my thoughts. i have to wait untill there all asleep, or bottle my emotions up, or something. sometimes i just go out to my car and cry, just because it makes me feel a little better, relieves a little stress. sometimes i wonder why god gave us feelings. i never thought that they could hurt this much.
Ok. so as i was saying, iuno. i just find myself getting more and more upset with myself and what ive let happen to me and rachel. I know it was my fault for not stepping up and helping out around the house, and the fact that i lost my job at sonic didn't help. I fust wish that i can turn back time and do it all over again. Although i know that inevitably, i could not stop rachels feelings for samuel, and i would have just ended up here anyways. It just fucking sucks. like one of the reasons i hated working for sonic, was because i started having thoughts that i haven't had since high school. bad thoughts. And it seemed like i was starting to get over that hump again, and then all of this shit gets dumped in my lap, and now i just don't know what to do. ive got so many thoughts running through my head right now. some of them bad, some of them reasonable. Im not gonna lie, right after the night that all of the shit hit the fan, i thought seriously about just yanking the wheel of my car into a ditch or something. but i didn't. i just couldn't, because then i thought about how many people it would upset, including rachel. but then those bad high school thoughts started to over whelm my mind with images of me doing many violent things to a certain individual. things that i will not discuss because i fear that these disturbing images will cloud my mind, and my judgement of the situation. I swear, i really wanted to kill him that night. but i then started to set those feelings aside, and tell myself to let it go. just let it go. i tried to look at it from a different angle, and i came to this conclusion. if rachel is truely happier with him than me, then thats where she should be. she deserves someone who could make her happy. In the meantime, i have to find a new way to make her happy with me again, that way maybe that last little shred of hope that i have been hanging on for the past week and a half may start to unfold and build itself into a rekindled relationship with rachel. but i know what i must do. i hve to get a job down here, and prove to rachel that i can be a man, grow up, and start being able to provide for her the way that i never could. Now, as i have been trying to deal with this, i have gotten closer to some of my friends down here, but i fear that in doing that, i fear that i have driven them further from rachel. and i worry that the same statement can be said by rachel, but with my name at the end. i no longer know my state of friendship with jessica, or johnothan, or lenny...but i hope that it still stands strong with the title of friends. Dan and Melinda have been great to talk to, and they tell me that they still want to be friends with rachel, but rachel seems to think otherwise. mel just wants her side of the story, and dan is staying out of it. they don't want any tension between us if inadvertantly me and rachel were to get back together. I am trying to let the situation go, but its so hard when its just not going to stop. its not like i can ignore the situation, and pretend that everythings o.k., i just can't. and i know rachel knows its hard for me, but i try so hard on the phone to not get all eyore and start crying. its just so fucking hard...i can't seem to stop thinking about her, and it fucking sucks because if i need to be alone in this house, i can't. i don't have a room where i can sit and be by myself and collect my thoughts. i have to wait untill there all asleep, or bottle my emotions up, or something. sometimes i just go out to my car and cry, just because it makes me feel a little better, relieves a little stress. sometimes i wonder why god gave us feelings. i never thought that they could hurt this much.