August
Often I look in the mirror and ask questions of myself. I look into my own eyes and try to see the workings of my own mind. I'm not sure how normal this is, but it is a habit of mine.
Being homeless has meant I have not really had a mirror or the personal space to do this. Public washrooms, or the lab, or even Lana's flat, have always been quite a quick in-out affair. Being homeless has meant that I am a much more productive person. I have been using 80% of my waking time on projects; up early and late to bed. Usually 9am-10pm, 7 days a week.
Yesterday I had a moment with the mirror. I felt strange, as if I didn't recognise myself. I never use to wear a baseball cap, they don't suit me. I'd just had a heavy conversation with my good friend Dave about all the problems with the project and the business, and all the things we should have done. I can see Dave is cracking under the pressure, and I am glad to be his crutch. But when I looked in the mirror it wasn't the paul I knew. I was looking at somebody wrapped up in a thousand tangled strings of obligations and considerations.
When I caught my glance in the mirror I had to stop and consider what I was seeing. It was like my reflection questioned me. I looked tired, and scruffy, and temporary. It made me wonder where the smiling and full of life paul had gone. Is this how anonymous passers-by see me? But this reflection also had a heavy dose of serious intent, a hunters determination.
I am happy. I think I was just caught off guard by how much I have changed, how much I am changing. I felt like my own master when I was paying my own bills and living off the PhD bursary. But now it feels like that person was a child. I feel like I am wrestling a lot of responsibilities at the moment, and almost literally forging opportunities and my future with every conversation I have. I'm trying to find a way to maintain what I want, rather than going with the flow.
I wonder if at any point I am going to look at myself and feel like an accomplished man. It feels like I am going to look back to this period and think I was a naive child. But I wonder if there will be a point when am I going to think "this is it, this is where it has all been leading"?
I'm going to be living in a 72ft long narrow boat for the next 2 weeks. Fun times :)
Being homeless has meant I have not really had a mirror or the personal space to do this. Public washrooms, or the lab, or even Lana's flat, have always been quite a quick in-out affair. Being homeless has meant that I am a much more productive person. I have been using 80% of my waking time on projects; up early and late to bed. Usually 9am-10pm, 7 days a week.
Yesterday I had a moment with the mirror. I felt strange, as if I didn't recognise myself. I never use to wear a baseball cap, they don't suit me. I'd just had a heavy conversation with my good friend Dave about all the problems with the project and the business, and all the things we should have done. I can see Dave is cracking under the pressure, and I am glad to be his crutch. But when I looked in the mirror it wasn't the paul I knew. I was looking at somebody wrapped up in a thousand tangled strings of obligations and considerations.
When I caught my glance in the mirror I had to stop and consider what I was seeing. It was like my reflection questioned me. I looked tired, and scruffy, and temporary. It made me wonder where the smiling and full of life paul had gone. Is this how anonymous passers-by see me? But this reflection also had a heavy dose of serious intent, a hunters determination.
I am happy. I think I was just caught off guard by how much I have changed, how much I am changing. I felt like my own master when I was paying my own bills and living off the PhD bursary. But now it feels like that person was a child. I feel like I am wrestling a lot of responsibilities at the moment, and almost literally forging opportunities and my future with every conversation I have. I'm trying to find a way to maintain what I want, rather than going with the flow.
I wonder if at any point I am going to look at myself and feel like an accomplished man. It feels like I am going to look back to this period and think I was a naive child. But I wonder if there will be a point when am I going to think "this is it, this is where it has all been leading"?
I'm going to be living in a 72ft long narrow boat for the next 2 weeks. Fun times :)