(no subject)
I haven't posted here in a while. I've just been thinking a lot about things and I wanted to put it out in the world out of myself without having to say anything to anyone in front of me. When I joined this community I was having a really hard time with an eating disorder, part not eating, part purging when I did eat. I was never diagnosed and no one ever knew because when I was at my worst I was also in track and cross country so I don't know how much I lost because I was so much more active or how I lost because I didn't take care of myself. I don't know how bad it really was or how it seemed to the rest of the world, but I do know that I constantly battled with myself because I wanted to be "perfect" but I was so afraid of damaging my body. I was always torn between hating my body for what I thought it looked like and then respecting it for the purpose it serves me.
I've been getting better now for a long time but I still slip up sometimes. I think this is kind of like living with an addiction because you can learn to live with it but it never truly goes away. I have learned to love my body and all my imperfections, and I don't believe in perfect anymore, and that is comforting. I don't torture myself over how I eat and what I do and it took a LONG time to learn how to do that.
Part of why I started writing this tonight is because I saw a woman walking in my apartment complex last night and she looked so sick. She looked like someone from a concentration camp or something. I know I never looked like or got to that point and I wanted to just get out of my car and do something. Hug her or help her or something. I felt so helpless and I think she might die soon. I was scared for her and I can't do anything. I don't know how to wrap this post up, I guess that I'm just glad that I woke up before I got to that point.
I've been getting better now for a long time but I still slip up sometimes. I think this is kind of like living with an addiction because you can learn to live with it but it never truly goes away. I have learned to love my body and all my imperfections, and I don't believe in perfect anymore, and that is comforting. I don't torture myself over how I eat and what I do and it took a LONG time to learn how to do that.
Part of why I started writing this tonight is because I saw a woman walking in my apartment complex last night and she looked so sick. She looked like someone from a concentration camp or something. I know I never looked like or got to that point and I wanted to just get out of my car and do something. Hug her or help her or something. I felt so helpless and I think she might die soon. I was scared for her and I can't do anything. I don't know how to wrap this post up, I guess that I'm just glad that I woke up before I got to that point.