(no subject)
I'm totally not having a good time. I just feel so fucking useless. I can't sleep, but I feel so tired. I just spend my days mooching about the house totally bored out of my skull, but without any kind of idea of what I want to do. I was just looking at some stuff on the internet about anencephaly and it scared the shit out of me. All these woman who went through the same as me, they all seem so brave. It's like when I don't think about it I feel fine, but when I do I just can't get all these feelings and memories to go away.
I read that some women (ALOT of women) carry their babies full term and give birth to them knowing that the most they would ever survive would be 2 days. I can;t imagine that. It makes me feel like I opted out or something, but surely that isn't fair to the baby. I don't know, I have all these crazy emotions and thoughts and I don't know where to put them. I want to do something positive with them....
When I'm just sitting thinking about random stuff my mind always wanders back to the same thing. The day I went for the scan and they told me my baby wouldn't survive, and all the turmoil I went through deliberating wether to take the magic pill that would 'send the baby to sleep' and the pain I had when I started to go into labour. I remember thinking that the window wasn't high enough to throw myself out of, all I wanted was for the pain to stop. To wake up and for everything to be ok. And the waiting, the 14 hours it took before anything actually happened, then when it came I just didn't feel anything, when I saw him I just didn't know what to think. Derek wouldn't even stay in the room with me and look at our baby, he said he didn't want to, that he'd already (briefly) looked at him.
This is all too mad, just thinking about this brings out this weird feeling that I can't even describe. I just feel empty. I feel like I should be feeling more, more upset or angry or just something. It feels so surreal. fuck knows
Enough for now, I can't handle typing this anymore.
I read that some women (ALOT of women) carry their babies full term and give birth to them knowing that the most they would ever survive would be 2 days. I can;t imagine that. It makes me feel like I opted out or something, but surely that isn't fair to the baby. I don't know, I have all these crazy emotions and thoughts and I don't know where to put them. I want to do something positive with them....
When I'm just sitting thinking about random stuff my mind always wanders back to the same thing. The day I went for the scan and they told me my baby wouldn't survive, and all the turmoil I went through deliberating wether to take the magic pill that would 'send the baby to sleep' and the pain I had when I started to go into labour. I remember thinking that the window wasn't high enough to throw myself out of, all I wanted was for the pain to stop. To wake up and for everything to be ok. And the waiting, the 14 hours it took before anything actually happened, then when it came I just didn't feel anything, when I saw him I just didn't know what to think. Derek wouldn't even stay in the room with me and look at our baby, he said he didn't want to, that he'd already (briefly) looked at him.
This is all too mad, just thinking about this brings out this weird feeling that I can't even describe. I just feel empty. I feel like I should be feeling more, more upset or angry or just something. It feels so surreal. fuck knows
Enough for now, I can't handle typing this anymore.