(no subject)
okay.
ali if you're reading this, you've already heard the jist of it, so deal :)
so ms. masini, my math teacher, has been asking me whats wrong for like the past two months. she's always asking if i'm okay and asking why i'm so sad. she even told my sister to talk to me so that she wouldn't have to call my parents. it bothers me that she noticed..does that mean other people can? i guess not, because they obviously haven't. so i'm safe for now. but i don't want people reading into me. anyway, today she held me after class, and asked if i needed someone to talk to. god, i just wanted to let my guard down and say yes and tell her everything. she just was being so nice and i know i could trust her if i told her things, and she could probably help me, being an adult an all whos gone through this. a young adult too, so she hasn't quite crossed the line to the shut-up-and-get-over-it-i-had-it-worse-than-you land of my parents. speaking of which, after protecting them and not saying anything to ms. masini, i come home and get called dumb and an asshole. its just so messed up that its almost funny. i wanted to scream and slap them both as hard as i could but i just walked away. passive agressive, i know. but thats the best way to handle them lately because it makes them think they've won. which in a sense they have, because they make me feel worse every day and theres nothing i can do about it. but that's just the thing, i do want to do something about it. i don't know what, but i need to change things before i lose myself in this hole i've dug myself into. i just need to turn myself around, get my act together. maybe try concentrating on school more. ugh but even as i'm saying this i know that i can't do it. i just don't have the motivation, or the will power, or the energy. i just need to tell someone everything and not have them form opinions about me. i need to voice every little detail in my head just for the sake of saying it out loud, and not have it ride the gossip train the next second. i need to get absolutely everything out of my system so i can fucking breathe again. yeah yeah, typical teenage angst, i'm being "emo", or something. well fuck you, you don't have to read this. live journals are kinda dumb cause its like, hey lets put my private issues out into cyber space, yay! now everyone can know about them! but at the same time it's just a way to speak without actually talking, and hoping someone hears you. and anyway i don't exactly pour my soul out and talk about all of my problems. only the basics that i know, or hope, people can relate to. ha my mother even told me that the only thing that matters to her is my schoolwork. not my thoughts and feelings, not my well being, no of course not. AH I WANT TO STAB MY PARENTS! AND BURN DOWN ALL SCHOOLS! and just get away away awayyy from here.
comment if ya hear me, advice will be much appreciated.
ali if you're reading this, you've already heard the jist of it, so deal :)
so ms. masini, my math teacher, has been asking me whats wrong for like the past two months. she's always asking if i'm okay and asking why i'm so sad. she even told my sister to talk to me so that she wouldn't have to call my parents. it bothers me that she noticed..does that mean other people can? i guess not, because they obviously haven't. so i'm safe for now. but i don't want people reading into me. anyway, today she held me after class, and asked if i needed someone to talk to. god, i just wanted to let my guard down and say yes and tell her everything. she just was being so nice and i know i could trust her if i told her things, and she could probably help me, being an adult an all whos gone through this. a young adult too, so she hasn't quite crossed the line to the shut-up-and-get-over-it-i-had-it-worse-than-you land of my parents. speaking of which, after protecting them and not saying anything to ms. masini, i come home and get called dumb and an asshole. its just so messed up that its almost funny. i wanted to scream and slap them both as hard as i could but i just walked away. passive agressive, i know. but thats the best way to handle them lately because it makes them think they've won. which in a sense they have, because they make me feel worse every day and theres nothing i can do about it. but that's just the thing, i do want to do something about it. i don't know what, but i need to change things before i lose myself in this hole i've dug myself into. i just need to turn myself around, get my act together. maybe try concentrating on school more. ugh but even as i'm saying this i know that i can't do it. i just don't have the motivation, or the will power, or the energy. i just need to tell someone everything and not have them form opinions about me. i need to voice every little detail in my head just for the sake of saying it out loud, and not have it ride the gossip train the next second. i need to get absolutely everything out of my system so i can fucking breathe again. yeah yeah, typical teenage angst, i'm being "emo", or something. well fuck you, you don't have to read this. live journals are kinda dumb cause its like, hey lets put my private issues out into cyber space, yay! now everyone can know about them! but at the same time it's just a way to speak without actually talking, and hoping someone hears you. and anyway i don't exactly pour my soul out and talk about all of my problems. only the basics that i know, or hope, people can relate to. ha my mother even told me that the only thing that matters to her is my schoolwork. not my thoughts and feelings, not my well being, no of course not. AH I WANT TO STAB MY PARENTS! AND BURN DOWN ALL SCHOOLS! and just get away away awayyy from here.
comment if ya hear me, advice will be much appreciated.