(no subject)
I'm withdrawing from the internet. So this will probably be my last post for a while. Time to reflect I think.
I began this journal 9 months ago, following the breakup of a long term relationship and various other flings, which I won't write about. At the time I was going out with Az, now my best friend. I love him to bits, and I feel as if I owe him so much for sticking by me after I emotionally manipulated him over and over - I'm not going to deny it. I enjoyed the summer of last year - we spent the days skipping school, sitting in fields with ladybirds, being chased by puppies and hugging and getting drunk in his back garden with Mike, and just generally enjoying life. I was off in Glastonbury for some of that time, and it marked an amazing and indescribable amount of inspiration upon my life - I declared it my spiritual home, and still do. August of last year entailed meeting Laba and Rob, an era in my life which I will never forget. One amazing and genuine person who helped me through so much, whom I still love to bits. September I met James at Vanfest, and the week which followed was just... great, it was so strange meeting someone I'd been talking to online for over 2 years. I can still remember everything down to the music being played and the clothes people were wearing. The next month... was a huge downfall for me, I developed what you could call an 'eating disorder'. I just encountered a total personality switch, I lost track of who I was. I spent my days smoking straights, coming home, being sick and then collapsing. I was thriving on coffee and cigarettes, and Hornacher's 'beautiful' words. I spent my nights sitting in bed writing poetry and painting black pictures, not knowing what they signified or represented, not intending to reveal them to anyone other than me. I was self harming pretty badly at the time. I still have the scars, they refuse to fade. December, this was acknowledged by my head of year who, oblivious to the fact that I'd been doing it for... quite a while, acted as my counsellor. As patronising as she may have been, it was good to talk to someone. She was great in the way that she didn't tell my parents. Though, considering the circumstances of the time, it probably wouldn't have bothered me. Christmas was a significant occasion for me. The holidays I spent painting, meditating, listening to beautiful music and feeling so self aware. So... me. The tsunami in Asia broke my heart, and made me realise how much people take things for granted over here. January... Andrea and I befriended a couple of stoners - Kyle and Alex, who I no longer talk to because I felt pressured by them. Alex did have a big impact on my life. James and I split up owing to the distance. I went out with Alex... I don't regret it but I think it was a mistake. I was skipping school and taking drugs... I also went out with Rachel at the same time. Round about February, my Dad (I don't think I've ever called him that in my livejournal) had a very violent, nasty turn. He is an alcoholic, a man who needs help. Mum ran to Lisa's. I ran to Andrea's - I am so thankful to her and her parents for letting me stay, thank you. I felt fucked up for a few weeks... like I'd been torn apart. Living with Andrea made focussing on school work difficult, when I did return home I was bullied, and often still am but not as frequently. James and I got back together. I can remember the huge grin on my face... I was so happy. A couple of weeks later we split up again. Distance was driving us apart over and over. Then again... we got back together at the end of the month. I went protesting in London this month against the war in Iraq, asking the government to bring the troops home. It was an amazing demonstration, it had such a more peaceful and stronger vibe to it than any of the others, and the speeches were incredible. The fact that I saw Chris made the whole event perfect. Made me realise how much I miss him, though. Since the demo I've become a lot more active with my campaign work too - always a good thing. And now I'm revising hard for my exams which begin on May the 16th, battling with coursework deadlines and social catastrophes. I'm still with James - it's been 7 months on/off. I feel like I do love him, despite the bitch of a distance between us which makes me cry most nights. So there we have it, a brief summary of the last 9 months of my life. So where do I go from here? I want to concentrate on my academic studies, my writing, my spirituality and my family life (my Grandma's seriously ill in hospital). I want some me time, I want to construct some inspiration from my inner self. I want to achieve something and be able to have pride in it because I made it. I'm not saying I won't return, but if and when I do I'll probably be replacing this journal. Hoorah for self identity quests. It'd be nice to keep some friends, if you opt not to keep in touch then I wish you the best of luck in life.
Namaste,
- Emilie
I began this journal 9 months ago, following the breakup of a long term relationship and various other flings, which I won't write about. At the time I was going out with Az, now my best friend. I love him to bits, and I feel as if I owe him so much for sticking by me after I emotionally manipulated him over and over - I'm not going to deny it. I enjoyed the summer of last year - we spent the days skipping school, sitting in fields with ladybirds, being chased by puppies and hugging and getting drunk in his back garden with Mike, and just generally enjoying life. I was off in Glastonbury for some of that time, and it marked an amazing and indescribable amount of inspiration upon my life - I declared it my spiritual home, and still do. August of last year entailed meeting Laba and Rob, an era in my life which I will never forget. One amazing and genuine person who helped me through so much, whom I still love to bits. September I met James at Vanfest, and the week which followed was just... great, it was so strange meeting someone I'd been talking to online for over 2 years. I can still remember everything down to the music being played and the clothes people were wearing. The next month... was a huge downfall for me, I developed what you could call an 'eating disorder'. I just encountered a total personality switch, I lost track of who I was. I spent my days smoking straights, coming home, being sick and then collapsing. I was thriving on coffee and cigarettes, and Hornacher's 'beautiful' words. I spent my nights sitting in bed writing poetry and painting black pictures, not knowing what they signified or represented, not intending to reveal them to anyone other than me. I was self harming pretty badly at the time. I still have the scars, they refuse to fade. December, this was acknowledged by my head of year who, oblivious to the fact that I'd been doing it for... quite a while, acted as my counsellor. As patronising as she may have been, it was good to talk to someone. She was great in the way that she didn't tell my parents. Though, considering the circumstances of the time, it probably wouldn't have bothered me. Christmas was a significant occasion for me. The holidays I spent painting, meditating, listening to beautiful music and feeling so self aware. So... me. The tsunami in Asia broke my heart, and made me realise how much people take things for granted over here. January... Andrea and I befriended a couple of stoners - Kyle and Alex, who I no longer talk to because I felt pressured by them. Alex did have a big impact on my life. James and I split up owing to the distance. I went out with Alex... I don't regret it but I think it was a mistake. I was skipping school and taking drugs... I also went out with Rachel at the same time. Round about February, my Dad (I don't think I've ever called him that in my livejournal) had a very violent, nasty turn. He is an alcoholic, a man who needs help. Mum ran to Lisa's. I ran to Andrea's - I am so thankful to her and her parents for letting me stay, thank you. I felt fucked up for a few weeks... like I'd been torn apart. Living with Andrea made focussing on school work difficult, when I did return home I was bullied, and often still am but not as frequently. James and I got back together. I can remember the huge grin on my face... I was so happy. A couple of weeks later we split up again. Distance was driving us apart over and over. Then again... we got back together at the end of the month. I went protesting in London this month against the war in Iraq, asking the government to bring the troops home. It was an amazing demonstration, it had such a more peaceful and stronger vibe to it than any of the others, and the speeches were incredible. The fact that I saw Chris made the whole event perfect. Made me realise how much I miss him, though. Since the demo I've become a lot more active with my campaign work too - always a good thing. And now I'm revising hard for my exams which begin on May the 16th, battling with coursework deadlines and social catastrophes. I'm still with James - it's been 7 months on/off. I feel like I do love him, despite the bitch of a distance between us which makes me cry most nights. So there we have it, a brief summary of the last 9 months of my life. So where do I go from here? I want to concentrate on my academic studies, my writing, my spirituality and my family life (my Grandma's seriously ill in hospital). I want some me time, I want to construct some inspiration from my inner self. I want to achieve something and be able to have pride in it because I made it. I'm not saying I won't return, but if and when I do I'll probably be replacing this journal. Hoorah for self identity quests. It'd be nice to keep some friends, if you opt not to keep in touch then I wish you the best of luck in life.
Namaste,
- Emilie