(no subject)
i have spent a lot of time pushing away my family because I felt I never fit in. felt i was the outsider, so I rebelled against their tidily pressed clothes, name-brand tags tucked neatly into the collars.
something about finding adrian. something about meeting this boy who i fit so well into this square with. finding what I thought was exactly what was missing in my life. this person to accept me.
then to have this boy hurt me. belittle me. mock me. WHAT? mindblowing, how can we be the same person, but I seem to disappoint him more than my polar opposites.
well, i spent thanksgiving forgiving him. hoping to grow a little and maybe find a way for the two of us.
but later i sat across from my family. my sister and i sitting in the same room for the first time in months.
we sat there. no drama. no fancy fluff. i was still in work clothes. kids in pajamas. and i realized these are my people.
how many years have i have been running in fear, afraid to fail them, afriad of their judgment I had put on myself. what a BS waste of time. but today is a new day.
tonight I went to my nephews christmas concert.
i sat with my family and we giggled and there was this moment.
and these moments are indeed bigger than drunken nights with a beautiful boy. pretending i'm a rockstar, pretending i've been found and i am finally loved.
i am loved, i believe.....and most importantly i love.
god i love. those two kids. those faces. those eyes. the words they ramble. certain quirks that are exactly like me. because we are blood. and yeah.
I am in love with my family.
-
Time to go pick up the beautiful boy at the airport and just not care what baggage he has brought home this time.
I have me. I'm pretty great.
And I have them. bonus.
something about finding adrian. something about meeting this boy who i fit so well into this square with. finding what I thought was exactly what was missing in my life. this person to accept me.
then to have this boy hurt me. belittle me. mock me. WHAT? mindblowing, how can we be the same person, but I seem to disappoint him more than my polar opposites.
well, i spent thanksgiving forgiving him. hoping to grow a little and maybe find a way for the two of us.
but later i sat across from my family. my sister and i sitting in the same room for the first time in months.
we sat there. no drama. no fancy fluff. i was still in work clothes. kids in pajamas. and i realized these are my people.
how many years have i have been running in fear, afraid to fail them, afriad of their judgment I had put on myself. what a BS waste of time. but today is a new day.
tonight I went to my nephews christmas concert.
i sat with my family and we giggled and there was this moment.
and these moments are indeed bigger than drunken nights with a beautiful boy. pretending i'm a rockstar, pretending i've been found and i am finally loved.
i am loved, i believe.....and most importantly i love.
god i love. those two kids. those faces. those eyes. the words they ramble. certain quirks that are exactly like me. because we are blood. and yeah.
I am in love with my family.
-
Time to go pick up the beautiful boy at the airport and just not care what baggage he has brought home this time.
I have me. I'm pretty great.
And I have them. bonus.