"Speak your heart, don't bite your tongue." -Aaliyah
Let the rain fall down
And wake my dreams
Let it wash away
My sanity
'Cause I wanna feel the thunder
I wanna scream
Let the rain fall down
I'm coming clean
Ooooo, ya'll....
I got into some shit yesterday. It's been so long since I got into some real "shut it down" shit with someone. I mean, years...and while I'm usually an advocate for walking away with dignity, I realize that sometimes you just need to cuss someone the fuck out.
I found out yesterday that Chase now has a girlfriend. I was a little perplexed by this, since a little over a week ago he was saying how much he liked me. Oh, and how much did he like me? He liked me just enough to wait a WHOLE WEEK before jumping someone else!! I am so honored.
Now, I was a bit angry about this. And, by a bit, I mean, livid. It's one of the few times in my life I have been truly angry. I mean, throwing pillows and dirty clothes at the wall, kicking and punching my bed, kind of angry. So really: FUCKING PISSED THE FUCK OFF would be more the word to describe my emotions. Pissed off enough where I lose any shred of decency and respect and politeness I have for a person, where I can't think another nice thought about them. It used to happen a fair amount when I was a kid, but in recent years has escaped me. But yesterday, IT WAS BACK! Back with the fucking vegence. So, I was just going to wallow in my anger, and then bitch about it to Elisha and on here. But, then I decided, the person who really needs to hear this is never going to hear it, and I'm fucking sick of people not hearing what I'm saying. So, I decided to divulge into an actual conversation with him about this. I knew it wasn't gonna be a conversation for long, because my anger was right there on the surface and it was gonna burst...might as well be at the person who helped it get there. This is our conversation, I don't remember all of it, I deleted all the crap off my phone, this is just what I remember. I start the "conversation:"
"I don't appreciate being used as your make out buddy while you had other girls in mind. If you didn't want me you should have had the balls to say so. Which sucks for you, because you and I are too much alike not to be together. You know I wanted to be your woman. That's fucked to lead someone on like that. That's all I wanted to say."
"I didn't use you. I didn't know you wanted to hook up, guess I was wrong."
"If you wanted me at all, why didn't you say something? But you stopped talking to me. Why would I even think you wanted me?"
"I don't know. I'm too old for all this drama."
"Naw, fuck that. This ain't drama, this is honesty. Why did you stop talking to me, cuz I wouldn't jump on your cock fast enough?"
"No. You never said anything about hooking up. So I moved on."
"You didn't tell me what you wanted, you just stopped talking to me."
That one could be a little off, I don't remember exactly what I said.
And, after this he said something that made me pissed off all over again, and I can't remember what it was. But, I remember by reply:
"You're too impatient. That's why you can't keep a girl. You get with these girls and you don't know them well enough and you aren't compatible. But you and me are, you were just in too much of a hurry to see that. This discussion is over."
"I'm sorry you think that."
"Don't bullshit. You don't care what I think, if you did you would be with me. Period."
Then he fed me some bullshit about it again being too much drama, and he thought we could be friends but oh well and blah, blah, blah...I didn't even read the whole thing.
"When I said the discussion was over, it was over. I wanted more than friendship from you, anything less ain't worth it. Please don't talk to me anymore."
And what does he do? MESSAGE ME TWICE 10 MINUTES LATER!! OH! NOW HE WANTS TO TALK TO ME?! What about Sunday before last when I texted him twice and never got a reply back? What about all that week I spent hoping he would get in touch with me, wondering why all of a sudden he stopped talking to me? WHERE THE FUCK WAS THE TALKING THEN?!?!
So, I didn't even read those last 2 messages, I deleted them straight off, because it didn't matter what he had to say at that point....actually it didn't matter the entire conversation, because I was done with him days before the conversation even started. I just really needed to tell someone bout they self. It is one of those times. But, I'm gonna go even further, because this my journal and I fucking feel like it! Let's break this down:
"I'm too old for all this drama"
Drama fucking happens. That's life. You don't want drama? DON'T RUN AROUND SCREWING WITH PEOPLE!! There's a fucking reason people don't just go off on me!! He didn't want the drama, yet he kept comin' back for more, didn't he? If he had any fucking sense he would have just stopped talking when he didn't want to deal with me, like he did before. WHY ALL OF SUDDEN DID HE WANT TO DEAL WITH ME? What's so good about me now? A week ago I was shit, and now you wanna talk to me, and deal with this "drama" I'm bringing to you and respond to me? Naw son....
"You never said anything about hooking up. So I moved on."
See, there's the thing. I love when people tell on themselves and they don't even know it. Ya know what, I shouldn't have to say I wanted to be with him. He should have known when I fucking told him "I've been interested in you for a long time, I didn't say anything because I had a boyfriend." HELLO?!?! IS ANYBODY FUCKIN' HOME?!?!?!?! Men, if a woman said that to YOU, and you really liked her.....wouldn't that be like the highlight of your day, hell....life?! A woman secretly had a thing for you for years, and you had a thing for her....WOULDN'T YOU JUMP ON THAT AND HOLD ON FOR DEAR LIFE?! He knew I wanted to be his woman. You can't make me believe he didn't. What, does he think I just let anyone kiss me and stroke my hair and hold me tight? So, I therefore call "BULLSHIT!." And then, he didn't want to be with me. This "I moved on." crap is just that. You don't just "move on" from someone you really want. And, it's gonna get really bitter right here. Bitter, angry, and extremely hurt. Because, ya know, if I want someone in my life, and I know they want to be in my life....I fight to keep them there. I'm stubborn and determined and I just don't let people go like that. And it sucks, because no one ever fights for me. No one has ever fought for me. If I cut them off, because like I said, it could be a "get you before you get me" thing I do...and they screw up and I'll cut them off, it's like people just say "Oh well, she's not worth my time. Wasn't anything important." WHY AM I NOT WORTH ANYONE'S TIME?! WHY AM I NOT WORTH KEEPING AROUND? I want to be fought for, I want someone to beg and plead to be a part of my life, I want someone to beg for my forgivness. Just once....I want someone to fight for me. He didn't really care about me, you fight for those you care about. That answer above that he gave was a cop out. He still wasn't honest, and it doesn't even matter. I know he really just didn't like me. It's that simple, but I would like to see someone be a fucking MAN and admit it. If he was worried about hurting me, well it's too fucking late for that, AIN'T IT?!
"I thought we could be cool, but I guess not. Oh well."
So, let's get this straight. He is sweet as chocolate silk pie to me one minute, then totally stops talking to me without any fucking explanation as to why the next. He avoids any conversation with me, gets a girlfriend a week after he stops fucking around with me, doesn't see how that is absolutely FUCKED UP (not to mention unfair to the new chick), blames me for us not being together, and then he wants to be my friend? ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS?! I don't need a lying, scapegoating pile of shit who has no balls for a friend. Sorry for ya! When I'm choosing friends, I like to choose the ones who don't make me ill inside. I was telling Elisha this (Elisha is, by the way, kozmicgreys) and she goes "He was trying to keep you on the side!" LOL, I rewrote the entire conversation to her like I'm doing for ya'll right now. We were crackin' the fuck up on AIM at the shit that he said. Like "Girls actually fall for that?!" It was great. She said she liked my....what was it? Hootzpah? My spirit, vigor, etc. She goes "Most girls just bitch about men and they're shit, but you actually do something about it." Hehehe....I love her. Anyway, and yeah, like my world is gonna be so horrible because I can't "be cool" with him. And, "Oh well" my ass. I am the best friend a person can possibly fucking have. I am the most loyal and honest person I know.
I really could have been so much meaner. Coulda pulled out the big guns and handed his ass to him. And if I had been in front of him saying this, I probably would have. I'm sure I would have totally lost it at his total lack of concern that someone he "cared about" feels like he hurt her on purpose. I so could have hit a LOW, LOW blow and told him "That's ok, you don't want me, fine. I always thought Brandon (his best friend I've know since I was 10) and I would be good together anyway." Which happens to be true, from what I know of Brandon.....we would be. And Brandon's hot as hell. I've never wanted to be with Brandon, and I've never pursued it or anything....probably never will. LOL, especially not after this, because I have respect for people, and I can't be flaunting my womanly wears tempting a man to fuck with the same girl his best friend did, because that's some evil shit. He's just been my very, very occasional eye-candy, never really wanted him (though I wouldn't turn him down, shit, I ain't crazy!). But, I still coulda said it. I also coulda completely attacked his manhood, "I just wanted to tell you about yourself and show you some real balls, since you don't seem to have any." Which again would have been really fucking mean. I coulda done it, I thought about it. But, I was like "Naw...." See, I showed some restraint.
I mean, damn ya'll.....I was hot! My inside's were burning the fuck up. I have not been that angry in so long. And, I don't even know why I was so angry. Jose did so much worse to me, and I never once got that angry at him. Angry enough to throw shit and beat the stuffing out of my pillows? It was just one of those moments where I had had enough. I swear if I had been in front of him I might have tried (unsuccessfully, because he's a broad one) to get physical....that's how pissed I was. I'm glad I wasn't in front of him, because that's psycho chick shit, and I'm not trying to have that. Gotta keep some dignity, damn. Ya know, I'm just fucking sick of people thinking they can screw with me just because I'm nice. People act like I don't matter, like I don't exist....I'm just forgettable and disposable. And usually, I'm just like "Whatever, I didn't really like you that much anyway." But fuck, I really liked this one. And MOTHERFUCKSHITGOTDAMN WE WERE SO COMPATIBLE! We're both stubborn, sarcastic, fun-loving, two-fisted fuckers who are loyal as hell to our friends and love sex and when we aren't getting what we want from someone, we walk. ARGH!! HELLO!? I hate to see people throw away happiness with both hands. He if woulda got his hands outta the pussy for 2 seconds he might have got his hands on the happiness. We're too much alike not to be together, and he's an IDIOT for not seeing that. It was plain as fucking day!! *shakes head* Stupid. Fool.
But yeah, it was nice to tell someone just what I thought again, with no calmness around it. Just pure emotion. And, I just wanna make it clear that in saying shit like "We're too alike not to be together, " it doesn't mean I was trying to get him to be with me. I was just letting him know what I was saying above, he was throwing away happiness with both hands. I didn't want him anymore, and if he would have said he changed his mind and wanted to be with me, I would told him to go fuck himself. But, it doesn't mean he made any less of a dumbass move. Sucks for him because he fucked up something that had the potential to be stable and real in his life, works out great for me....because I can find someone who is like me and isn't so caught up in sex to see that, and he'll want to be a stable and real thing in my life. Even though I usually don't condone that flying off the handle thing, at least not at everything, you can't do it at everything. It's better to be a calm person, so then when you do lose it on people they realize how much they fucked up. But, I have say this much, IT FELT MOTHERFUCKING GOOD BAY-BAY!! *dances*
He's Just Not That Into You Daily Wake-Up Call
"Really? Is better than nothing what we're going for now? I was hoping for at least a lot better than nothing. Or perhaps even something. Have you lost your marbles? Why should you feel honored to for getting scraps of his time? Just because he's busy doesn't make him more valuable. 'Busy' does not mean 'better.'"
And wake my dreams
Let it wash away
My sanity
'Cause I wanna feel the thunder
I wanna scream
Let the rain fall down
I'm coming clean
Ooooo, ya'll....
I got into some shit yesterday. It's been so long since I got into some real "shut it down" shit with someone. I mean, years...and while I'm usually an advocate for walking away with dignity, I realize that sometimes you just need to cuss someone the fuck out.
I found out yesterday that Chase now has a girlfriend. I was a little perplexed by this, since a little over a week ago he was saying how much he liked me. Oh, and how much did he like me? He liked me just enough to wait a WHOLE WEEK before jumping someone else!! I am so honored.
Now, I was a bit angry about this. And, by a bit, I mean, livid. It's one of the few times in my life I have been truly angry. I mean, throwing pillows and dirty clothes at the wall, kicking and punching my bed, kind of angry. So really: FUCKING PISSED THE FUCK OFF would be more the word to describe my emotions. Pissed off enough where I lose any shred of decency and respect and politeness I have for a person, where I can't think another nice thought about them. It used to happen a fair amount when I was a kid, but in recent years has escaped me. But yesterday, IT WAS BACK! Back with the fucking vegence. So, I was just going to wallow in my anger, and then bitch about it to Elisha and on here. But, then I decided, the person who really needs to hear this is never going to hear it, and I'm fucking sick of people not hearing what I'm saying. So, I decided to divulge into an actual conversation with him about this. I knew it wasn't gonna be a conversation for long, because my anger was right there on the surface and it was gonna burst...might as well be at the person who helped it get there. This is our conversation, I don't remember all of it, I deleted all the crap off my phone, this is just what I remember. I start the "conversation:"
"I don't appreciate being used as your make out buddy while you had other girls in mind. If you didn't want me you should have had the balls to say so. Which sucks for you, because you and I are too much alike not to be together. You know I wanted to be your woman. That's fucked to lead someone on like that. That's all I wanted to say."
"I didn't use you. I didn't know you wanted to hook up, guess I was wrong."
"If you wanted me at all, why didn't you say something? But you stopped talking to me. Why would I even think you wanted me?"
"I don't know. I'm too old for all this drama."
"Naw, fuck that. This ain't drama, this is honesty. Why did you stop talking to me, cuz I wouldn't jump on your cock fast enough?"
"No. You never said anything about hooking up. So I moved on."
"You didn't tell me what you wanted, you just stopped talking to me."
That one could be a little off, I don't remember exactly what I said.
And, after this he said something that made me pissed off all over again, and I can't remember what it was. But, I remember by reply:
"You're too impatient. That's why you can't keep a girl. You get with these girls and you don't know them well enough and you aren't compatible. But you and me are, you were just in too much of a hurry to see that. This discussion is over."
"I'm sorry you think that."
"Don't bullshit. You don't care what I think, if you did you would be with me. Period."
Then he fed me some bullshit about it again being too much drama, and he thought we could be friends but oh well and blah, blah, blah...I didn't even read the whole thing.
"When I said the discussion was over, it was over. I wanted more than friendship from you, anything less ain't worth it. Please don't talk to me anymore."
And what does he do? MESSAGE ME TWICE 10 MINUTES LATER!! OH! NOW HE WANTS TO TALK TO ME?! What about Sunday before last when I texted him twice and never got a reply back? What about all that week I spent hoping he would get in touch with me, wondering why all of a sudden he stopped talking to me? WHERE THE FUCK WAS THE TALKING THEN?!?!
So, I didn't even read those last 2 messages, I deleted them straight off, because it didn't matter what he had to say at that point....actually it didn't matter the entire conversation, because I was done with him days before the conversation even started. I just really needed to tell someone bout they self. It is one of those times. But, I'm gonna go even further, because this my journal and I fucking feel like it! Let's break this down:
"I'm too old for all this drama"
Drama fucking happens. That's life. You don't want drama? DON'T RUN AROUND SCREWING WITH PEOPLE!! There's a fucking reason people don't just go off on me!! He didn't want the drama, yet he kept comin' back for more, didn't he? If he had any fucking sense he would have just stopped talking when he didn't want to deal with me, like he did before. WHY ALL OF SUDDEN DID HE WANT TO DEAL WITH ME? What's so good about me now? A week ago I was shit, and now you wanna talk to me, and deal with this "drama" I'm bringing to you and respond to me? Naw son....
"You never said anything about hooking up. So I moved on."
See, there's the thing. I love when people tell on themselves and they don't even know it. Ya know what, I shouldn't have to say I wanted to be with him. He should have known when I fucking told him "I've been interested in you for a long time, I didn't say anything because I had a boyfriend." HELLO?!?! IS ANYBODY FUCKIN' HOME?!?!?!?! Men, if a woman said that to YOU, and you really liked her.....wouldn't that be like the highlight of your day, hell....life?! A woman secretly had a thing for you for years, and you had a thing for her....WOULDN'T YOU JUMP ON THAT AND HOLD ON FOR DEAR LIFE?! He knew I wanted to be his woman. You can't make me believe he didn't. What, does he think I just let anyone kiss me and stroke my hair and hold me tight? So, I therefore call "BULLSHIT!." And then, he didn't want to be with me. This "I moved on." crap is just that. You don't just "move on" from someone you really want. And, it's gonna get really bitter right here. Bitter, angry, and extremely hurt. Because, ya know, if I want someone in my life, and I know they want to be in my life....I fight to keep them there. I'm stubborn and determined and I just don't let people go like that. And it sucks, because no one ever fights for me. No one has ever fought for me. If I cut them off, because like I said, it could be a "get you before you get me" thing I do...and they screw up and I'll cut them off, it's like people just say "Oh well, she's not worth my time. Wasn't anything important." WHY AM I NOT WORTH ANYONE'S TIME?! WHY AM I NOT WORTH KEEPING AROUND? I want to be fought for, I want someone to beg and plead to be a part of my life, I want someone to beg for my forgivness. Just once....I want someone to fight for me. He didn't really care about me, you fight for those you care about. That answer above that he gave was a cop out. He still wasn't honest, and it doesn't even matter. I know he really just didn't like me. It's that simple, but I would like to see someone be a fucking MAN and admit it. If he was worried about hurting me, well it's too fucking late for that, AIN'T IT?!
"I thought we could be cool, but I guess not. Oh well."
So, let's get this straight. He is sweet as chocolate silk pie to me one minute, then totally stops talking to me without any fucking explanation as to why the next. He avoids any conversation with me, gets a girlfriend a week after he stops fucking around with me, doesn't see how that is absolutely FUCKED UP (not to mention unfair to the new chick), blames me for us not being together, and then he wants to be my friend? ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS?! I don't need a lying, scapegoating pile of shit who has no balls for a friend. Sorry for ya! When I'm choosing friends, I like to choose the ones who don't make me ill inside. I was telling Elisha this (Elisha is, by the way, kozmicgreys) and she goes "He was trying to keep you on the side!" LOL, I rewrote the entire conversation to her like I'm doing for ya'll right now. We were crackin' the fuck up on AIM at the shit that he said. Like "Girls actually fall for that?!" It was great. She said she liked my....what was it? Hootzpah? My spirit, vigor, etc. She goes "Most girls just bitch about men and they're shit, but you actually do something about it." Hehehe....I love her. Anyway, and yeah, like my world is gonna be so horrible because I can't "be cool" with him. And, "Oh well" my ass. I am the best friend a person can possibly fucking have. I am the most loyal and honest person I know.
I really could have been so much meaner. Coulda pulled out the big guns and handed his ass to him. And if I had been in front of him saying this, I probably would have. I'm sure I would have totally lost it at his total lack of concern that someone he "cared about" feels like he hurt her on purpose. I so could have hit a LOW, LOW blow and told him "That's ok, you don't want me, fine. I always thought Brandon (his best friend I've know since I was 10) and I would be good together anyway." Which happens to be true, from what I know of Brandon.....we would be. And Brandon's hot as hell. I've never wanted to be with Brandon, and I've never pursued it or anything....probably never will. LOL, especially not after this, because I have respect for people, and I can't be flaunting my womanly wears tempting a man to fuck with the same girl his best friend did, because that's some evil shit. He's just been my very, very occasional eye-candy, never really wanted him (though I wouldn't turn him down, shit, I ain't crazy!). But, I still coulda said it. I also coulda completely attacked his manhood, "I just wanted to tell you about yourself and show you some real balls, since you don't seem to have any." Which again would have been really fucking mean. I coulda done it, I thought about it. But, I was like "Naw...." See, I showed some restraint.
I mean, damn ya'll.....I was hot! My inside's were burning the fuck up. I have not been that angry in so long. And, I don't even know why I was so angry. Jose did so much worse to me, and I never once got that angry at him. Angry enough to throw shit and beat the stuffing out of my pillows? It was just one of those moments where I had had enough. I swear if I had been in front of him I might have tried (unsuccessfully, because he's a broad one) to get physical....that's how pissed I was. I'm glad I wasn't in front of him, because that's psycho chick shit, and I'm not trying to have that. Gotta keep some dignity, damn. Ya know, I'm just fucking sick of people thinking they can screw with me just because I'm nice. People act like I don't matter, like I don't exist....I'm just forgettable and disposable. And usually, I'm just like "Whatever, I didn't really like you that much anyway." But fuck, I really liked this one. And MOTHERFUCKSHITGOTDAMN WE WERE SO COMPATIBLE! We're both stubborn, sarcastic, fun-loving, two-fisted fuckers who are loyal as hell to our friends and love sex and when we aren't getting what we want from someone, we walk. ARGH!! HELLO!? I hate to see people throw away happiness with both hands. He if woulda got his hands outta the pussy for 2 seconds he might have got his hands on the happiness. We're too much alike not to be together, and he's an IDIOT for not seeing that. It was plain as fucking day!! *shakes head* Stupid. Fool.
But yeah, it was nice to tell someone just what I thought again, with no calmness around it. Just pure emotion. And, I just wanna make it clear that in saying shit like "We're too alike not to be together, " it doesn't mean I was trying to get him to be with me. I was just letting him know what I was saying above, he was throwing away happiness with both hands. I didn't want him anymore, and if he would have said he changed his mind and wanted to be with me, I would told him to go fuck himself. But, it doesn't mean he made any less of a dumbass move. Sucks for him because he fucked up something that had the potential to be stable and real in his life, works out great for me....because I can find someone who is like me and isn't so caught up in sex to see that, and he'll want to be a stable and real thing in my life. Even though I usually don't condone that flying off the handle thing, at least not at everything, you can't do it at everything. It's better to be a calm person, so then when you do lose it on people they realize how much they fucked up. But, I have say this much, IT FELT MOTHERFUCKING GOOD BAY-BAY!! *dances*
He's Just Not That Into You Daily Wake-Up Call
"Really? Is better than nothing what we're going for now? I was hoping for at least a lot better than nothing. Or perhaps even something. Have you lost your marbles? Why should you feel honored to for getting scraps of his time? Just because he's busy doesn't make him more valuable. 'Busy' does not mean 'better.'"