Edgar
Hm, I don't even know what I feel right now. Tonight was really great. I called him out of boredom, and we ended up having a lot of fun. He picked me up and we just went driving around with no goal in mind. We talked, he played pool. He tried to get me to play. Looking back on it I should have. Ya know, I do way too little. I spent a lot of my childhood on the sidelines. I mean, I live life, but not to it's fullest. I stay in this little comfort zone, because I'm afraid if I stray out of the zone I will lose people I love, or get hurt. But, enough psychological analysis for now.
This man, by all seeming first impressions, is an incredible person. There were some things I found out that shocked me for a quick minute, but then I was cool. First of all, he's 30. But ya'll, he's gorgeous. Who, besides celebrities are so gorgeous when they're 30? WHO! Well, ok, Johnnie. Johnnie is fucking hot. Everytime I see Johnnie I think dirty, dirty things. It's too bad he's a real shady person, because got damn....I'd fuck the shit outta him. Anyway! And, this, this blew my fucking mind. 6 kids....6....SIX! I didn't know there were people still having six kids. At first I was like "My god...." but there ain't no use trippin' on it because, well, there's just not. But man, he said that and I was just waitin' for the punchline. I knew he was gonna be like "Naw, I'm just fucking with cha." But, it never came...he was dead as serious! Part of me still doesn't believe it, I wanna see pictures, damnit. ;) LOL, I told Mama he had 6 kids and she was like "Well, he's 30, what the hell do you expect?"
Anyway, we just talked about everything. Not in great detail, but enough to really get a feel for each other. Well, I got a good feel for him anyway. He talked a lot, I listened. I was listen, no one gives a shit about Aryn's life! Nah, I'm fucking. But yeah, I listen, I've always been the listener. It's part of the reason I wanna become a therapist. I figure if people are gonna put me in that role, I oughta get some fucking money out of the deal. But, for the first time in the history of this journal, I'm not gonna divulge all the business here. I'm not a gossipy person, but this is my journal....on my journal, I tell everything about everything. This time though, I'm not gonna say what all we talked about. It was stuff that I wouldn't even want here. It was stuff that I can't even begin to understand. I felt so naive around him, that's weird for me. I mean, he didn't make me feel that way, it was just how I felt. It stunned me into silence, because I can't really relate to much of it. And, I'm usually good at relating to people. But, then there were other things that it was uncanny how much we are alike. But, assuming all he says is true, I have a lot of respect for him. Not like, Elder respect....I don't see him that way, just respect for someone who has been through so much and still seems pretty ok. Anyway, I found out he owns a Barbershop....and raps on the side. I'm assuming he gets paid for that too, but I didn't really ask because I don't give a fuck about the money thing, really. He does, apparently, make a lot of it though. Enough to buy Gucci and shit. LOL, this is how far out of the rich people's loop I am. We were at the bar he takes off his fucking Gucci sunglasses to play pool. I pick them up and look at them, I look at the logo on the side and in my head I think What a fucking stupid-looking logo. I found out later they were Gucci, and I laughed at myself.
OH! And I found out about a new issue I didn't know I had. He was trying to get me to play pool, like I said, and right in mid-sentence he stops and says something about how pretty I am. While he was talking, he stroked my face and hair. My reaction was to pull away. That's not me, there is nothing coy about me, and I have always been flirtatious. I LOVE BEING FLIRTED WITH!! It was at that moment I realized how much the Jose situation had affected me. Jose used to touch me that way, and I would revel in it. It's this gentlessness with a strong hint of desire....and the raw, animal passion when it comes to bedroom things. But, just for simple touch, that's how I would describe it. I love being touched like that, it's how a woman should be touched...and I pulled away. I've been conditioned to equate being touched that way with being hurt. The Jose thing got to me a lot worse than I thought. That makes me more angry than I can ever express in words. There aren't enough cuss words in any language to show my lividness at that. I don't even like to think about, and it's affected my psyche. I mean, ARGH!! Ok, he was the first person I have ever been in true love with. I have loved guys, but not like I loved him. I was passionate about that man. I loved everything about him, and I showed it everytime I kissed him, touched him...made love to him. And he repays me by lying to me, everything he told me was lie. It takes a damn good liar to fool me, because I have been screwed over by the best. I've been thinking about it a lot today and I think the problem is that I've been forcing myself to get over it....not thinking about it, not talking about it unless it's on here. But, maybe I should just give myself the time I need to get over it, to cry...get angry, throw shit.....whatever. I need to get it out of my system, because it's fucking with my psyche. I'm getting afraid of intimacy. And, that's fucking bullshit. So, I'm just gonna do what the fuck I gotta to get over it. I hate admitting he got to me that much, I fucking hate it with everything I am. I'm absolutely disgusted.
Back to my night though, Edgar is a very Christian person. I understand the reason for this, and it's what works for his life. But, ya'll know I'm not a Christian..so I'm not used to Christian talk. It doesn't bug me, but I don't believe all the things he believes. I didn't say anything, because then we'd have to get into my religion...and that's a conversation for another time. He doesn't seem judgmental, but I don't know him well enough yet. I have no real issues with Christianity, it's just not for me. I believe Jesus was a good man, one of the best political leaders that ever lived. But, I can't see him as Divine...and you will never convince me The Bible was written by God. It just bypasses my logic. I don't look down on people who believe such things, because that's fucking stupid. But, believing that does not help me get through the day. It just creates question after question. For example, when I considered myself a Christian, I used to be afraid to die. But, now that I don't.....I'm not really afraid of death anymore. It's weird, but it is what it is. Religion is good up until the point where you start trying to hurt people and take away their rights because they don't believe what you do....or they do things your religion says they shouldn't. When it gets to that point, you need to take a step back and access what's really important to you. If denying rights to other people of the same gender, not yourself....who are in love with each other is that important, so important you have to create lies and false studies, and camps made for "recovering homosexuals." You honestly need to get a fucking life. That's the point where Religion and I can't fuck with each other. But, he has faith, and I will never in my life fault someone for that. I don't believe everything he believes, but that's cool....beccause Christianity gets him through his day, and he needs the Christian God. It's good to have faith like that. Not so much faith that it blinds you from reality, but enough to make your life better in the process. Nothing wrong with that.
When we got back to the hotel...we were standind at the stairwell talking. In the midst of this talking, I'm all Oh man, his lips look good. I bet he has soft lips....I want to kiss him. But, I don't know if he sees me that way, and I don't know if I am ready for that with anyone. Regardless, I just want to take things slow...so I'm not going to. I'm not getting wrapped him in something again, I'm just gonna let whatever happens happen. I'm not forcing anything, if it's supposed to happen it will happen, and I will know when the time is right. We both will...I don't get that feeling now....But, my sweet Creator his lips look so soft....one kiss and I could make those lips want the rest of me... Hehehe, I really would be so good at seducing men if I had just a little less morals.
Anyway, I thought I was leaving today and I told him that and he said he would call me as soon as he woke up because he "wanted to see me before I left." But, that didn't happen. Ya'll already know how I feel about shit like that. I hate when people don't do what they say they're doing to. But, I have no idea where this is going...and I don't really care. I'm just taking shit as it comes. He would make a good friend at least, and anything more is up to whatever powers that be. And besides that, if he wants me that way....he'll come get what he wants. He ain't no damn fool.
This man, by all seeming first impressions, is an incredible person. There were some things I found out that shocked me for a quick minute, but then I was cool. First of all, he's 30. But ya'll, he's gorgeous. Who, besides celebrities are so gorgeous when they're 30? WHO! Well, ok, Johnnie. Johnnie is fucking hot. Everytime I see Johnnie I think dirty, dirty things. It's too bad he's a real shady person, because got damn....I'd fuck the shit outta him. Anyway! And, this, this blew my fucking mind. 6 kids....6....SIX! I didn't know there were people still having six kids. At first I was like "My god...." but there ain't no use trippin' on it because, well, there's just not. But man, he said that and I was just waitin' for the punchline. I knew he was gonna be like "Naw, I'm just fucking with cha." But, it never came...he was dead as serious! Part of me still doesn't believe it, I wanna see pictures, damnit. ;) LOL, I told Mama he had 6 kids and she was like "Well, he's 30, what the hell do you expect?"
Anyway, we just talked about everything. Not in great detail, but enough to really get a feel for each other. Well, I got a good feel for him anyway. He talked a lot, I listened. I was listen, no one gives a shit about Aryn's life! Nah, I'm fucking. But yeah, I listen, I've always been the listener. It's part of the reason I wanna become a therapist. I figure if people are gonna put me in that role, I oughta get some fucking money out of the deal. But, for the first time in the history of this journal, I'm not gonna divulge all the business here. I'm not a gossipy person, but this is my journal....on my journal, I tell everything about everything. This time though, I'm not gonna say what all we talked about. It was stuff that I wouldn't even want here. It was stuff that I can't even begin to understand. I felt so naive around him, that's weird for me. I mean, he didn't make me feel that way, it was just how I felt. It stunned me into silence, because I can't really relate to much of it. And, I'm usually good at relating to people. But, then there were other things that it was uncanny how much we are alike. But, assuming all he says is true, I have a lot of respect for him. Not like, Elder respect....I don't see him that way, just respect for someone who has been through so much and still seems pretty ok. Anyway, I found out he owns a Barbershop....and raps on the side. I'm assuming he gets paid for that too, but I didn't really ask because I don't give a fuck about the money thing, really. He does, apparently, make a lot of it though. Enough to buy Gucci and shit. LOL, this is how far out of the rich people's loop I am. We were at the bar he takes off his fucking Gucci sunglasses to play pool. I pick them up and look at them, I look at the logo on the side and in my head I think What a fucking stupid-looking logo. I found out later they were Gucci, and I laughed at myself.
OH! And I found out about a new issue I didn't know I had. He was trying to get me to play pool, like I said, and right in mid-sentence he stops and says something about how pretty I am. While he was talking, he stroked my face and hair. My reaction was to pull away. That's not me, there is nothing coy about me, and I have always been flirtatious. I LOVE BEING FLIRTED WITH!! It was at that moment I realized how much the Jose situation had affected me. Jose used to touch me that way, and I would revel in it. It's this gentlessness with a strong hint of desire....and the raw, animal passion when it comes to bedroom things. But, just for simple touch, that's how I would describe it. I love being touched like that, it's how a woman should be touched...and I pulled away. I've been conditioned to equate being touched that way with being hurt. The Jose thing got to me a lot worse than I thought. That makes me more angry than I can ever express in words. There aren't enough cuss words in any language to show my lividness at that. I don't even like to think about, and it's affected my psyche. I mean, ARGH!! Ok, he was the first person I have ever been in true love with. I have loved guys, but not like I loved him. I was passionate about that man. I loved everything about him, and I showed it everytime I kissed him, touched him...made love to him. And he repays me by lying to me, everything he told me was lie. It takes a damn good liar to fool me, because I have been screwed over by the best. I've been thinking about it a lot today and I think the problem is that I've been forcing myself to get over it....not thinking about it, not talking about it unless it's on here. But, maybe I should just give myself the time I need to get over it, to cry...get angry, throw shit.....whatever. I need to get it out of my system, because it's fucking with my psyche. I'm getting afraid of intimacy. And, that's fucking bullshit. So, I'm just gonna do what the fuck I gotta to get over it. I hate admitting he got to me that much, I fucking hate it with everything I am. I'm absolutely disgusted.
Back to my night though, Edgar is a very Christian person. I understand the reason for this, and it's what works for his life. But, ya'll know I'm not a Christian..so I'm not used to Christian talk. It doesn't bug me, but I don't believe all the things he believes. I didn't say anything, because then we'd have to get into my religion...and that's a conversation for another time. He doesn't seem judgmental, but I don't know him well enough yet. I have no real issues with Christianity, it's just not for me. I believe Jesus was a good man, one of the best political leaders that ever lived. But, I can't see him as Divine...and you will never convince me The Bible was written by God. It just bypasses my logic. I don't look down on people who believe such things, because that's fucking stupid. But, believing that does not help me get through the day. It just creates question after question. For example, when I considered myself a Christian, I used to be afraid to die. But, now that I don't.....I'm not really afraid of death anymore. It's weird, but it is what it is. Religion is good up until the point where you start trying to hurt people and take away their rights because they don't believe what you do....or they do things your religion says they shouldn't. When it gets to that point, you need to take a step back and access what's really important to you. If denying rights to other people of the same gender, not yourself....who are in love with each other is that important, so important you have to create lies and false studies, and camps made for "recovering homosexuals." You honestly need to get a fucking life. That's the point where Religion and I can't fuck with each other. But, he has faith, and I will never in my life fault someone for that. I don't believe everything he believes, but that's cool....beccause Christianity gets him through his day, and he needs the Christian God. It's good to have faith like that. Not so much faith that it blinds you from reality, but enough to make your life better in the process. Nothing wrong with that.
When we got back to the hotel...we were standind at the stairwell talking. In the midst of this talking, I'm all Oh man, his lips look good. I bet he has soft lips....I want to kiss him. But, I don't know if he sees me that way, and I don't know if I am ready for that with anyone. Regardless, I just want to take things slow...so I'm not going to. I'm not getting wrapped him in something again, I'm just gonna let whatever happens happen. I'm not forcing anything, if it's supposed to happen it will happen, and I will know when the time is right. We both will...I don't get that feeling now....But, my sweet Creator his lips look so soft....one kiss and I could make those lips want the rest of me... Hehehe, I really would be so good at seducing men if I had just a little less morals.
Anyway, I thought I was leaving today and I told him that and he said he would call me as soon as he woke up because he "wanted to see me before I left." But, that didn't happen. Ya'll already know how I feel about shit like that. I hate when people don't do what they say they're doing to. But, I have no idea where this is going...and I don't really care. I'm just taking shit as it comes. He would make a good friend at least, and anything more is up to whatever powers that be. And besides that, if he wants me that way....he'll come get what he wants. He ain't no damn fool.