life...

[_one_slow_dance]

Well in the past 3 months there have been a few deaths in my family. Two of which were close to me. My grandmother and mt cousin. My grandmother died peacefully at the age of 92 and will be missed. My cousin ryan was only in his 20's when he died. He OD'd on Oxy Cotton(basically heroin). I have basically gotten over both of the deaths, but there is still this lingering feeling of disbeleif. They are both gone, but yet it still seems like i am going to wake up. It seems that either of them could come strolling through the front door at any second. All this though has really made me think about life and how happy i am to be alive. Nothing really seems as bad anymore. Like things i would have gotten worked up over a few months ago don't even cross my mind anymore. I am also realizing how sensative the balance of life is. So many things can happen in one day that could change your life or anyone around you. Your life can be taken at any moment and there is nothing to stop it. Why do we bicker over such pointless things? People get into fights over the stupidist things. Politics for instance. Some people our age are so offended that bush was re-elected. But how many of you can think of one thing that has directly effected you because of it? I truthfully to my knowledge have yet to have anything political affect me. This is why i don't get involved in politics, i just don't care. I'd rather live my life in the now rather than being absorbed in what might happen in the future or happened in the past. During my grandmothers last few weeks of life my uncle asked her if she was ready for death. Her response was that she was ready, but she didn't want to go. She was 92, could not move by her own will, her memory was almost all gone, she had survived 2 heart attacks in the few weeks before her passing, her kidneys had completely shut down, and she was dieing, but yet she still wanted to live. At first i did not understand why anyone would ever wish this upon themselves. To live like that. But then i put myself in her position. she had a loving family, standing by her side for her every last breath. My aunt actually was with her when she passed away, she held her hand while quietly reading the bible to her. After hearing all that i could see why she didnt want to go. She was content, even with the condition she was in, she had anything she could have ever asked for. Once again, after these past few months, my outlook on life has changed. I no longer say that i hope i don't make it past 60 because i don't want to end up like my grandma, or anyone old in general, in the condition that comes with those ages. But i do want to end up like that. I want to live my life to the fullest extent. I want to die at the oldest age my body will let me with my family by my side. I want to see my children's children grow up....i want to live....

I think this is by far the longest and most thoughtful livejournal entry i have ever made. Finally something has hit me and really made me think i guess...i've laid my thoughts and feelings on the line, dissect them as you wish...