FEAR
i am so afraid right now.
(im just gonna ramble right now so exit now if u wanna)
but im afraid of everythin right now. i dont live to the fullest everyday and it makes me sad/scared. i wish away all my days by saying "i cant wait til friday/sunday/the weekend" or whatever "good" day is coming up, when in reality, every day of my life is good and im just not thankful enough. my english teacher was talkin a few days ago, saying how she once read how everyone says "ohh in the future il do that" or "i can always do that later in life" when if we think about it, this is the future. we might not even have tomorrow and it makes me sad that im not always living if it were my last day. i do nothing with my life. i dont have a job. i dont have any money. i have no time for myself to jus hang around and do nuthin like id like to sometimes. i have no time to just sit with my dogs and tell them why im sad or jus talk to them like i usually do in the summer. i have no time to just go adn get a coffee with my dad without worryin about how much time i have. time just slips away like its nuthin. i come home from school and do 1 math problem thinkin it took like 4 mins, and then look at the clock and literally 20 mins have past. i go shoppin with my mom for not even long, and by the time i get home and its 630 and i look at the amount of hw i have i get so discouraged thinkin i wont be able to finish it. i get in fights with my mom sayin i wanna leave the store because i have to get home and do my homework. i cant even enjoy shoppin with my mom without bein sad. i hate bein sad and stressed out. i hate wishen away my days because i dont know if i even have 1 more day to live! i try to cherish everythin but its so hard sometimes. i dont wanna leave for college. i dont wanna grow up and get old and get married and then have no tingley feeling anymore. i dont want the people around me to die. i dont wanna see people hurting in the hospital. i dont wanna leave all my friends behind and start new lives. i dont wanna have to support myself. i dont wanna have to wake up and work everyday of my life, but i also dont want to wake up and go to school 5 days a week. i dont think i can handle college and all the work. i cost my parents way too much. i got new school clothes, went to camp this summer, amd gettin more clothes and a new bed spread soon. im gettin a new like 200 sumthin dollar camera this week. christmas is comin up and most likely il obv be gettin sumthin. i get anythin i want if im in the grocery store. my parents take me everywhere and my dad does everythin possible for me. he bought me everythin i wanted in target for school, not sayin i couldnt get even 1 thing. he even bought me a new printer. my parents came home from virginia with 3 things for me. i dont get how im so blessed and its just not fair. half my brothers friends dont even eat 3 meals a day. i was watchin this thing on tv last night about this boy who lives fearing everyday how he will be able to eat. i cant even imagine that. at every moment of the day i have money, atleast a dollar sumthin to get a drink. i get 5 dollars everday for lunch in school. i complain way too much, even when it comes to what we're eatin for dinner, when people would kill to live my life. i honestly dont even know what im writing anymore. i started this off to tell what im afriad of and what im stressin over at the moment, but ended up writing about how blessed i am and how i dont get it.
and i was so stressed about school, bummin everyday cuza hw and not bein able to what i want. i was like literally gettin depressed cuz i was so stressed i had no time to finish anythin. i then opened my notebook my parents brought back for me from a christian bible store thingy and there was a scripture verse right on the page that was so for me at that moment and for right now and the exact verse i needed doin my summer work and im gonna need throughout the whole year.
This is the day the Lord has made;
let us rejoice and be glad in it.
Psalm 118:24
Maybe to others i overexaggerate, and u prob think i do. but i also know that people can handle more than others, so if u think im overexaggeratin then thats fine, but to me, what im stressin over is reasonable to me and hard. its just my school work and i prob make a bigger deal than it really is, but im wierd, and lil things honestly make me depressed. mayb not depressed to the point i wanna kill myself, and not depressed in a way my life is horrible, but a way that im not happy and i get this stomach ache feelin of everythin is so different. but yaa so this verse was perfect for me cuz i was bummin so bad about school work gettin done that the days i hada do the work were horrible. not a single aprt of the day was good, because all i could think about was the work, and it made me so stressed. i learned that even when i am stressed over sumthin i have to do and sad about it and have a lot of things to get done, that it is a day that my Lord has made. it is a day that He has blessed me with, so to sit and mope around and be sad jus cuza 1 lil thing is rediculous. i still got happiness in my life, and an incredible life, and to be sad is so dumb. i should just be happy =) (and this is what im gonna try and do). and though i always try to think of the bright side of things, i needa do it more. i also needa become more patient and helpful and not judgemental.
so why im afriad..i said a few lines back all stuff like "i dont wanna do that. i dont wanna do this.." and thats my problem. i dont have a choice so i needa make the best of it. i may not want to get older or graduate, but its just cuz im afraid. im afraid of change so bad that when things do change it makes me sick to my stomach. i guess i just dont want these things YET, but im hopin by the time it all comes i wont mind it. im just terrified of life now. i feel like i cant handle it. i feel like i shouldnt be getting old, or growing up, like i dont know enough to. time just flies by and i wish it lasted longer in order for me to cherish every single moment in the day.
i need start doin stuff for people even when i dont want to. i also needa start not caring if im right or now. i needa be like my dad and let every1 else just think they are right, instead of dwelling on things and just making myself upset. like sarah said, i also needa start telling people i love them more. i needa pray more most of all. and reading more of the Bible, majorly.
i wish i could pause time
big scare:
we had an assembly in school yesterday, i think, or 1 day this week. it was about how we're juniors, which is scary. that means that the real world is coming soon. SAT's which im horrible at. college which im clueless about. my future which im clueless about. i feel like i cant even handle this school year and the work, nm college. i dont know what i want to be in life. not even the tiniest clue, honestly. i dont know what interests me. i dont even think i have a passion for anythin. and if i do, and i find it, i fear im gonna be too afraid to do it and think i cant handle it. i dsont know what God has planned for me. i cant even see into the future. i cant pic me doin the things i always dreamed of doin. who knows if thats even what is planned for me.
andddddddddddd PROM..just the word scares me. hearin that i have PROM this year is so wierd. i honestly never though this day would come. it seems like it was always so far into the future and now its here. its march 24th or sumthin. i dont have a group of people to go with. no date. no bf right now that i have planned to go with. no dancin skills whatsoever. no hair style cuz my hair is hard to do
too much at once! and to many, these things may not even be hard at all, im jus a wierdo and need help
(im just gonna ramble right now so exit now if u wanna)
but im afraid of everythin right now. i dont live to the fullest everyday and it makes me sad/scared. i wish away all my days by saying "i cant wait til friday/sunday/the weekend" or whatever "good" day is coming up, when in reality, every day of my life is good and im just not thankful enough. my english teacher was talkin a few days ago, saying how she once read how everyone says "ohh in the future il do that" or "i can always do that later in life" when if we think about it, this is the future. we might not even have tomorrow and it makes me sad that im not always living if it were my last day. i do nothing with my life. i dont have a job. i dont have any money. i have no time for myself to jus hang around and do nuthin like id like to sometimes. i have no time to just sit with my dogs and tell them why im sad or jus talk to them like i usually do in the summer. i have no time to just go adn get a coffee with my dad without worryin about how much time i have. time just slips away like its nuthin. i come home from school and do 1 math problem thinkin it took like 4 mins, and then look at the clock and literally 20 mins have past. i go shoppin with my mom for not even long, and by the time i get home and its 630 and i look at the amount of hw i have i get so discouraged thinkin i wont be able to finish it. i get in fights with my mom sayin i wanna leave the store because i have to get home and do my homework. i cant even enjoy shoppin with my mom without bein sad. i hate bein sad and stressed out. i hate wishen away my days because i dont know if i even have 1 more day to live! i try to cherish everythin but its so hard sometimes. i dont wanna leave for college. i dont wanna grow up and get old and get married and then have no tingley feeling anymore. i dont want the people around me to die. i dont wanna see people hurting in the hospital. i dont wanna leave all my friends behind and start new lives. i dont wanna have to support myself. i dont wanna have to wake up and work everyday of my life, but i also dont want to wake up and go to school 5 days a week. i dont think i can handle college and all the work. i cost my parents way too much. i got new school clothes, went to camp this summer, amd gettin more clothes and a new bed spread soon. im gettin a new like 200 sumthin dollar camera this week. christmas is comin up and most likely il obv be gettin sumthin. i get anythin i want if im in the grocery store. my parents take me everywhere and my dad does everythin possible for me. he bought me everythin i wanted in target for school, not sayin i couldnt get even 1 thing. he even bought me a new printer. my parents came home from virginia with 3 things for me. i dont get how im so blessed and its just not fair. half my brothers friends dont even eat 3 meals a day. i was watchin this thing on tv last night about this boy who lives fearing everyday how he will be able to eat. i cant even imagine that. at every moment of the day i have money, atleast a dollar sumthin to get a drink. i get 5 dollars everday for lunch in school. i complain way too much, even when it comes to what we're eatin for dinner, when people would kill to live my life. i honestly dont even know what im writing anymore. i started this off to tell what im afriad of and what im stressin over at the moment, but ended up writing about how blessed i am and how i dont get it.
and i was so stressed about school, bummin everyday cuza hw and not bein able to what i want. i was like literally gettin depressed cuz i was so stressed i had no time to finish anythin. i then opened my notebook my parents brought back for me from a christian bible store thingy and there was a scripture verse right on the page that was so for me at that moment and for right now and the exact verse i needed doin my summer work and im gonna need throughout the whole year.
This is the day the Lord has made;
let us rejoice and be glad in it.
Psalm 118:24
Maybe to others i overexaggerate, and u prob think i do. but i also know that people can handle more than others, so if u think im overexaggeratin then thats fine, but to me, what im stressin over is reasonable to me and hard. its just my school work and i prob make a bigger deal than it really is, but im wierd, and lil things honestly make me depressed. mayb not depressed to the point i wanna kill myself, and not depressed in a way my life is horrible, but a way that im not happy and i get this stomach ache feelin of everythin is so different. but yaa so this verse was perfect for me cuz i was bummin so bad about school work gettin done that the days i hada do the work were horrible. not a single aprt of the day was good, because all i could think about was the work, and it made me so stressed. i learned that even when i am stressed over sumthin i have to do and sad about it and have a lot of things to get done, that it is a day that my Lord has made. it is a day that He has blessed me with, so to sit and mope around and be sad jus cuza 1 lil thing is rediculous. i still got happiness in my life, and an incredible life, and to be sad is so dumb. i should just be happy =) (and this is what im gonna try and do). and though i always try to think of the bright side of things, i needa do it more. i also needa become more patient and helpful and not judgemental.
so why im afriad..i said a few lines back all stuff like "i dont wanna do that. i dont wanna do this.." and thats my problem. i dont have a choice so i needa make the best of it. i may not want to get older or graduate, but its just cuz im afraid. im afraid of change so bad that when things do change it makes me sick to my stomach. i guess i just dont want these things YET, but im hopin by the time it all comes i wont mind it. im just terrified of life now. i feel like i cant handle it. i feel like i shouldnt be getting old, or growing up, like i dont know enough to. time just flies by and i wish it lasted longer in order for me to cherish every single moment in the day.
i need start doin stuff for people even when i dont want to. i also needa start not caring if im right or now. i needa be like my dad and let every1 else just think they are right, instead of dwelling on things and just making myself upset. like sarah said, i also needa start telling people i love them more. i needa pray more most of all. and reading more of the Bible, majorly.
i wish i could pause time
big scare:
we had an assembly in school yesterday, i think, or 1 day this week. it was about how we're juniors, which is scary. that means that the real world is coming soon. SAT's which im horrible at. college which im clueless about. my future which im clueless about. i feel like i cant even handle this school year and the work, nm college. i dont know what i want to be in life. not even the tiniest clue, honestly. i dont know what interests me. i dont even think i have a passion for anythin. and if i do, and i find it, i fear im gonna be too afraid to do it and think i cant handle it. i dsont know what God has planned for me. i cant even see into the future. i cant pic me doin the things i always dreamed of doin. who knows if thats even what is planned for me.
andddddddddddd PROM..just the word scares me. hearin that i have PROM this year is so wierd. i honestly never though this day would come. it seems like it was always so far into the future and now its here. its march 24th or sumthin. i dont have a group of people to go with. no date. no bf right now that i have planned to go with. no dancin skills whatsoever. no hair style cuz my hair is hard to do
too much at once! and to many, these things may not even be hard at all, im jus a wierdo and need help