(no subject)
so, last night daniel made it clear that he didn't want to see me even as friends, not for a long fucking time, until we are both quite surely unattached, without the idea that we need anyone else for comfort, and when i will no longer drain his focus.
there was absolutely no sympathy, warmth, or love in his voice. i was lying to myself when i expected differently- even if this has been painful, reason and self control preserve him from hinting at any of it, in order to make it easier for both of us. he isn't one to share.
i don't feel sad, truly, or anything at all except for cold and ...peaceful? lonely, but not in any way like before- it is a very simple wish to be touched or to sit with someone in silence, or to look straight into the eyes of someone, to share warmth with them, to be simply happy together. to hold eachother. but only with someone who i truly love and respect and see as someone who is actually striving to know themselves and god. because daniel is the only person who i've known who is like this, who i have been open with, my heart instinctively looks to him. but really, it could be anyone- this is not an unhealthy desire. i believe it is something worth pursuing. i looked forward to having this with daniel, without the mess and waste of sex, without seeing each other weekly or even monthly, without dependence, expectation, pressure, or any deviation from what our true intuition tells us to be right. that last thing i want is to return to the past, or to complicate anything.
but, completely cutting off contact with someone you've spent half a year with is extreme, and in my experience anything extreme, quick, or easy is the wrong choice. how is any form of isolation, or any change to your environment, going to help in a search for your true self? from his point of view, i can easily understand how one would want to cut out any distraction, any source of negativity, pull from your focus, or offense to your overall clarity. i can see how you would want to abolish attachment, to separate from familiarity in order to distinguish what is really you. but at the same time, i have a feeling that in the end, those practices
don't
actually
help.
because:
what you're looking for is inside you and all around you. there is no distance there, there are no locks or walls except inside your own mind. and because there is ALWAYS, always a distraction, there is always something tripping you back into reality, always something trying to cloud your clarity, you have to find the way to coexist with it all, to accept everyone around you and every experience, no matter what it is, as part of the universe and therefore a part of your self. the whole is in each part and each part is the whole. no alteration or form of ascetism will bring you to this, but i suppose that the experience of trying to find it in this way is the only way to see it as useless.
maybe i've already done it before, and decided it was better to do it gently- i am in no hurry to leave this world, and if i was then that would prevent me from doing it anyway. i just want happiness, i just want this moment, i just want to appreciate everything as it is and to bring myself back to true humanity, simplicity, and harmony with all of it.
so, nothing has changed. i haven't been tormented except for early last week, since then i've been at peace or very happy. winter is still a pain in my ass. christian hasn't signed on in a week or so, and i'm concerned/worried. i sent him two emails, no response. i've been making some good art, very pleased in that area, thinking i'll do a watercolour this weekend. i'm going to do that more often, just to have a greater number of pieces and more practice. oil is still my favourite, though. glass blowing is fun without the anxiety, now, and i made my first oversized paperweight with fire colours.
i feel like watching some movies, and sewing- i have a bunch of summer dress patterns in mind, after i finish my pinafore i'll start them to make me feel less wintry. maybe a new fairy costume. tonight:painting, finishing applications, movies, sewing, and rest. a bath, perhaps?
love to anyone who reads this long ass post. and everyone else.
there was absolutely no sympathy, warmth, or love in his voice. i was lying to myself when i expected differently- even if this has been painful, reason and self control preserve him from hinting at any of it, in order to make it easier for both of us. he isn't one to share.
i don't feel sad, truly, or anything at all except for cold and ...peaceful? lonely, but not in any way like before- it is a very simple wish to be touched or to sit with someone in silence, or to look straight into the eyes of someone, to share warmth with them, to be simply happy together. to hold eachother. but only with someone who i truly love and respect and see as someone who is actually striving to know themselves and god. because daniel is the only person who i've known who is like this, who i have been open with, my heart instinctively looks to him. but really, it could be anyone- this is not an unhealthy desire. i believe it is something worth pursuing. i looked forward to having this with daniel, without the mess and waste of sex, without seeing each other weekly or even monthly, without dependence, expectation, pressure, or any deviation from what our true intuition tells us to be right. that last thing i want is to return to the past, or to complicate anything.
but, completely cutting off contact with someone you've spent half a year with is extreme, and in my experience anything extreme, quick, or easy is the wrong choice. how is any form of isolation, or any change to your environment, going to help in a search for your true self? from his point of view, i can easily understand how one would want to cut out any distraction, any source of negativity, pull from your focus, or offense to your overall clarity. i can see how you would want to abolish attachment, to separate from familiarity in order to distinguish what is really you. but at the same time, i have a feeling that in the end, those practices
don't
actually
help.
because:
what you're looking for is inside you and all around you. there is no distance there, there are no locks or walls except inside your own mind. and because there is ALWAYS, always a distraction, there is always something tripping you back into reality, always something trying to cloud your clarity, you have to find the way to coexist with it all, to accept everyone around you and every experience, no matter what it is, as part of the universe and therefore a part of your self. the whole is in each part and each part is the whole. no alteration or form of ascetism will bring you to this, but i suppose that the experience of trying to find it in this way is the only way to see it as useless.
maybe i've already done it before, and decided it was better to do it gently- i am in no hurry to leave this world, and if i was then that would prevent me from doing it anyway. i just want happiness, i just want this moment, i just want to appreciate everything as it is and to bring myself back to true humanity, simplicity, and harmony with all of it.
so, nothing has changed. i haven't been tormented except for early last week, since then i've been at peace or very happy. winter is still a pain in my ass. christian hasn't signed on in a week or so, and i'm concerned/worried. i sent him two emails, no response. i've been making some good art, very pleased in that area, thinking i'll do a watercolour this weekend. i'm going to do that more often, just to have a greater number of pieces and more practice. oil is still my favourite, though. glass blowing is fun without the anxiety, now, and i made my first oversized paperweight with fire colours.
i feel like watching some movies, and sewing- i have a bunch of summer dress patterns in mind, after i finish my pinafore i'll start them to make me feel less wintry. maybe a new fairy costume. tonight:painting, finishing applications, movies, sewing, and rest. a bath, perhaps?
love to anyone who reads this long ass post. and everyone else.