(no subject)
ok
fuck mourning, fuck ascetism. there is nothing to mourn! forget being hit by each memory like a bucketful of sulfuric acid, enjoy each one and know there will be more to come. the fear of losing the ability to experience something again in the same way, with the same person is ridiculous: the real nightmare would be repetition, stuck in the same place while there are infinite ranges of happiness to be found, new beauty one deep breath away. forget pushing away, putting shields up, avoiding and recoiling. that can be hiding weakness as well as self preservation. this does not have to be viewed as an ending, it is a change, for any mark of separation in time and space is an illusion upon an illusion, and the effects of any experience will ripple on forever. i am not done.
on a less poetic note, perhaps: i picked up a bunch of applications on sunday, and gave daniel his stuff, and got my jade fishie. spiritual awareness fair seemed very nice, even as it was closing down. my voice was wrecked, though, i couldn't keep my hands from shaking, and by the end of the day i was exhausted- i also babysat... you can imagine my emotions being the most illegal rollercoaster ever. the morning sucks, because my combination of tiredness, pms, winter, physical aches, hatred of school, and my dreams playing tricks on me does not help my reasoning abilities. pray for spring, or at least lightly falling snow to cover the grey and brown and to give silence. and then it should melt quickly. ice
fuck mourning, fuck ascetism. there is nothing to mourn! forget being hit by each memory like a bucketful of sulfuric acid, enjoy each one and know there will be more to come. the fear of losing the ability to experience something again in the same way, with the same person is ridiculous: the real nightmare would be repetition, stuck in the same place while there are infinite ranges of happiness to be found, new beauty one deep breath away. forget pushing away, putting shields up, avoiding and recoiling. that can be hiding weakness as well as self preservation. this does not have to be viewed as an ending, it is a change, for any mark of separation in time and space is an illusion upon an illusion, and the effects of any experience will ripple on forever. i am not done.
on a less poetic note, perhaps: i picked up a bunch of applications on sunday, and gave daniel his stuff, and got my jade fishie. spiritual awareness fair seemed very nice, even as it was closing down. my voice was wrecked, though, i couldn't keep my hands from shaking, and by the end of the day i was exhausted- i also babysat... you can imagine my emotions being the most illegal rollercoaster ever. the morning sucks, because my combination of tiredness, pms, winter, physical aches, hatred of school, and my dreams playing tricks on me does not help my reasoning abilities. pray for spring, or at least lightly falling snow to cover the grey and brown and to give silence. and then it should melt quickly. ice