Day 16/26: Like A Wave
... and then BOOM. Hits me like a wave. I'm reminded of how much I miss him. And far away we are. And how much I'm changing without him. And how much he's changing without me. And how much we don't get to talk to each other. And how scared I am of how it will be when he gets back because maybe we'll be too completely different people. Cue *tears*.
A month is a really long time.
I'm ok. I've adjusted pretty well to being by myself. It's rather nice having all this freedom. I can sleep in whenever I want. I can do errands whenever I feel like it. I can go to the gym at ungodly hours of the day. I can have dinner with random people, spontaneously. It's kind of like being single, minus the whole flirting/dating random people.
But then I hear his voice and I'd give all that up in a heartbeat to see his face and squeeze his hand. And I've learned that's what a real relationship is. I choose him over everything, because at the end of the day, he's who I want to spend the rest of my life with. And his happiness is my happiness.
Sure I'm out and about, doing whatever. But I'm lonely. I'm fine being alone, everyone needs alone time. But no one wants to be lonely. Isn't that a song?
It's just rough. I text him all these random things and it's hard not ever getting a reply. It makes me question if I should even text because I feel stupid. I feel like I'm texting someone who doesn't even read them. And I'm not blaming him for it at all, I just feel stupid I guess. Like what's the point. And it's hard talking to him. He rushes to tell me about his day(s) and my updates are pretty quick and simple because we don't have time to have long drawn out conversations anyways.
I don't know. Sometimes I wonder if we should even talk to each other while he's gone. I don't ever really know what he's talking about or who. And I don't have anything as fun or exciting going on to compare to the adventures he has.
So, this is what lonely feels like.
I haven't felt this way since I was "dating" that Middle Eastern dude. I don't really consider having "dated" him, either. And lonely because all he would ever talk about was himself. I remember he told me that he loved me once. Maybe more than once. I don't ever recall saying it back because I was so far from that feeling with him. He didn't know anything about me. He never really asked nor acted like he was interested.
And I'm not saying that's what's going on here with Don. He just doesn't have time, not because he's not making time or whatever. I know that, obviously. I know he can't help that he wakes up at 2:30am and has to sleep at 8:30pm. I know he can't help that he has to be in bed by "lights out". I know that he can't help the fact that everything is at set times that don't allow for communication with the outside world.
He cares because he calls/texts when he can. And he asks about me. And he reads this to find out how I am. And that's real to me. That's legit. And that's love.
It's hard because I make plans at night and that's his only free time, if he even gets free time in a day. But you know it's real because we both make time for each other. I always tell whoever I'm with that I may need to be excused for a bit if Don calls because I never know when I'll get to talk to him next. I felt bad when he told me that he really wanted to call me that night I went to Luna because he felt so overwhelmed. If he texted me that I would have stepped away. But I'm glad he does call now whenever he can.
My friends are so supportive, too. Most especially Jay-R. He totally gets it and is ok with it. He's been amazing this whole time. He's made sure to hang out with me at least once a week. Having that support really helps. This is why he'll be my Man of Honor, because he's supported my relationship with Don through everything. The first time Don and I broke up, I remember going to his house and I was in his basement crying and breathing heavily. And when we got back together, he supported our decision and didn't judge Don or me.
Ok wow. This post definitely went everywhere.
A month is a really long time.
I'm ok. I've adjusted pretty well to being by myself. It's rather nice having all this freedom. I can sleep in whenever I want. I can do errands whenever I feel like it. I can go to the gym at ungodly hours of the day. I can have dinner with random people, spontaneously. It's kind of like being single, minus the whole flirting/dating random people.
But then I hear his voice and I'd give all that up in a heartbeat to see his face and squeeze his hand. And I've learned that's what a real relationship is. I choose him over everything, because at the end of the day, he's who I want to spend the rest of my life with. And his happiness is my happiness.
Sure I'm out and about, doing whatever. But I'm lonely. I'm fine being alone, everyone needs alone time. But no one wants to be lonely. Isn't that a song?
It's just rough. I text him all these random things and it's hard not ever getting a reply. It makes me question if I should even text because I feel stupid. I feel like I'm texting someone who doesn't even read them. And I'm not blaming him for it at all, I just feel stupid I guess. Like what's the point. And it's hard talking to him. He rushes to tell me about his day(s) and my updates are pretty quick and simple because we don't have time to have long drawn out conversations anyways.
I don't know. Sometimes I wonder if we should even talk to each other while he's gone. I don't ever really know what he's talking about or who. And I don't have anything as fun or exciting going on to compare to the adventures he has.
So, this is what lonely feels like.
I haven't felt this way since I was "dating" that Middle Eastern dude. I don't really consider having "dated" him, either. And lonely because all he would ever talk about was himself. I remember he told me that he loved me once. Maybe more than once. I don't ever recall saying it back because I was so far from that feeling with him. He didn't know anything about me. He never really asked nor acted like he was interested.
And I'm not saying that's what's going on here with Don. He just doesn't have time, not because he's not making time or whatever. I know that, obviously. I know he can't help that he wakes up at 2:30am and has to sleep at 8:30pm. I know he can't help that he has to be in bed by "lights out". I know that he can't help the fact that everything is at set times that don't allow for communication with the outside world.
He cares because he calls/texts when he can. And he asks about me. And he reads this to find out how I am. And that's real to me. That's legit. And that's love.
It's hard because I make plans at night and that's his only free time, if he even gets free time in a day. But you know it's real because we both make time for each other. I always tell whoever I'm with that I may need to be excused for a bit if Don calls because I never know when I'll get to talk to him next. I felt bad when he told me that he really wanted to call me that night I went to Luna because he felt so overwhelmed. If he texted me that I would have stepped away. But I'm glad he does call now whenever he can.
My friends are so supportive, too. Most especially Jay-R. He totally gets it and is ok with it. He's been amazing this whole time. He's made sure to hang out with me at least once a week. Having that support really helps. This is why he'll be my Man of Honor, because he's supported my relationship with Don through everything. The first time Don and I broke up, I remember going to his house and I was in his basement crying and breathing heavily. And when we got back together, he supported our decision and didn't judge Don or me.
Ok wow. This post definitely went everywhere.