My Side of the Story
Continued from the last entry...
It's true. I really thought this was going to be a better time for us to finally have a relationship that didn't involve books all the time. We could finally be girlfriend and boyfriend and not just study buddies. Don't get me wrong, the transition to having so much free time and not being able to see him as much did take a little toll on me and some getting used to, but it was always a surprise when he called earlier than expected. I was so excited for these upcoming two years because it meant more going out, more date nights, possible trips to Muskegon or out of town even. I was excited for couple's massages and just enjoying the summer. I was honestly planning all those things and more to just get out of this rut we've been in for a little while now... and then he just pulled the cord on it. I didn't even get the chance to show him the good times I had been planning. I didn't even get the chance to tell him. I asked him if we could go to Muskegon one of these weekend, but I never really told him that I was so excited for all of our upcoming adventures.
I never really showed him how happy he made me. He really thought I was so unhappy and he tried so hard to make me happy that he realized he wasn't happy. And a lot of it was because I was lacking on that end. I did not realize that he needed to be made happy, too. I just got so used to him trying to make me happy that I let the ball drop. I just figured he had it all together, he never once said anything. But in turn, that's where I failed as a girlfriend. I should have known better, I should have seen through him. I honestly thought he was just so tired all the time because of work. It never occurred to me that it was unhappiness.
I'm calling his bluff, though. I know he did NOT mean all those things about "fooling myself into thinking you were the one for me" or "I haven't been happy for so long". I know him, he's not the kind of person to say things he doesn't mean. Maybe he didn't think of it anymore but he meant it the time he said it. That's why killed me so much. He made me feel like the past three years meant nothing to him and that he could just throw away everything in the blink of an eye. And he expected me to swallow that pill?! Seriously, he's out of his mind. I know him, I know his tactic. He put on this hard shell, acting all bitter and as if it didn't hurt him. He was such a dick. But I know it was because he was hurting inside.
I know he didn't mean those nasty things he said to me, but he just didn't want to be swayed by the idea that I could change... that we could change. He quit on me. And that hurt the most. I really believe that he is the one for me. I believed that he was the one who I could fall in, out, and back in love with. We had been through rough patches and more times we have seen such brighter days. It's such a lie for him to say, "Out of the past year, I've only been happy 5 times!" First of all, that's not true. We've had really good days and months. If there were bad times, it had to do with school. It's not just me. That's what's wrong with his thinking, he mixes his feelings about our relationship with the feelings from school and he takes it out on me. I'm his punching bag, his scapegoat. Without me, he'll realize that there are still problems that are his own and it wasn't just me. I just hope he breaks that shell soon.
He just picked up the minor details, but he didn't see the whole picture. This is why it was such a bomb that was dropped on me. I knew we were going through a rough patch, especially since we both were going through many changes with the COMLEX I exam and the transition to rotations. I'm not the one who went through it, but I am the one who stuck by the person who did. I had to go through that change, too. It affected me, too. I just didn't think it was that bad. That's the thing, he said he knew for the past month that this wasn't working out. The past month was really not the best time period to convey our whole relationship over. And he never told me. He said he didn't because he was so sure that it wasn't working out between us, but I do believe it was because he was hoping things would get better. He was hoping things would change between us, but he failed to tell me that there needed to be. Like I said, I was so excited. I had been patiently waiting the past two years for this exact moment to finally be with him and have great times before he graduated and went off to residency. And he pulled the rug under me after only ONE WEEK of rotations. And what happened in the first week of rotations? He had his shit changed so last minute. He had to get used to getting criticized and talking to patients. He got pimped and hated answering the questions wrong. He had to do a patient presentation and hated getting picked on for not asking if he palpated the chest. Who did he take out that stress and frustration on? Me of course. And I took it because I would suffer and take a bullet for him, even if it was from him.
I changed and grew up so much in one day like Ryan said. I called up Anne and Faith. I even made an appointment to see my therapist (which is on Tuesday, btw). If I knew Dom felt this way a few days, weeks, months, years ago then I would have known to step up my game or even just to explain myself. I always wanted to call Faith and make things right, but I let Dom take the lead on what he wanted things to be between me and her. Instead of introducing me to her or pushing us towards each other like he did with me and JJ, he instead decided to cut her out of the picture all together. I honestly just wanted to meet her and feel ok about her. And once I did call her, I honestly felt a huge weight lifted. It probably wouldn't have taken such a long time to build trust with Dom if I had talked to her sooner.
He said part of it was because he had changed as a person, some good, some bad and he didn't like the bad changes he had made. He said he couldn't hang out or even talk to his friends without me being a brat about it and that's why he never did. Don't get me wrong, yes I did go overboard when I gave him the fifth degree about catching up with RJ. But again, that would have been all taken care of if I was introduced and had talked to Faith along time ago. And then the whole bachelor party. Yes, I did get upset since he was sooooo sure that they weren't going to a strip club and was so intent on making me know that they weren't. And then the day after when he told me they did... how could I not be upset? If he only said, "I'm really not sure. We might." I would have felt so much better about it. I mean, I gave him 15$ in singles for crying out loud just in case, but he was so sure they weren't going and ended up going. He knew there was a strip club in Greektown. Anyways, like I said... I would have reacted better if he didn't build me up to believe that they weren't going FOR SURE. Don't assume, sillyhead. It makes an ASS out of U and ME.
And him not talking or hanging out with his friends is a total cop out. I never said not to talk or hangout with any of them. I've honestly tried to encourage it. That's why I ask him if he's talked to any of his friends lately. Not to necessarily be snoopy, but to remind him that he does have friends who are waiting to hear from him. I bet he didn't know that about me. That's why I always badgered him about if he talked to them... so that I could put the idea that he should. Inception, guys. In-fuckin-ception. But nooooooooo, he thinks I'm such a bad guy, he probably thought I was being all nosey and he probably thought I want him all to my self. Ugh, no buddy. That's so far from it. I really do think that our relationship would have benefited so much more and been more fulfilling if he did spend some of his days with his friends.. with or without me. He would have been so much happier. I would have been so much happier. That's why I do hang out with my friends every now and then... change of pace and not such a routine thing. And to be completely honest, I really thought he just didn't have the time to hang out with anyone because he always said he had to study. I never knew it was because of me. If I knew that... I would have made rules for him to spend at least one of the days out of his week to hanging out with his friends. That's why I was so adamant about having Reju study with us... because I thought having him see people other than just me all the time would have been nicer.
If I knew his intentions for not hanging out or talking with his friends... that it was because of me.... I would have told him to do otherwise. It's not healthy that he only leaned on me, that he only talked to me. That's why I'd hang out with my friends every now and then.... to show him to do the same. And it's all a reflection of how he saw me... he really thought the worst of me. I'm so not like that.
So much miscommunication. He's going to base our relationship on the things that happened in the past month? Sorry buddy, you weren't listening nor paying attention to details. He came off wrong in so many ways and he took me the wrong way in so many ways as well.
I finally had a good 8 or 9 hours of rest last night, but I still can't get myself to eat or to even feel hungry.
If I don't lose at least a few pounds from this, this will all be in vain. Damn.
I don't want to have hope that he'll come back to me, but I do. I can't shake off that I know he is the one for me. But he has to choose for himself if he'll allow me to be the one for him. The past month, I felt really disconnected from him, too. I just never grew the balls to talk to him about it. I just figured since he's finally doing rotations it would just magically get better and that our problems would just disappear. And it's obvious that they didn't. They were just under the rug and we never thought to pick the rug up and sweep those problems with the broom called "Communication" and dispose it into the can marked "Resolution".
Hahaha ok that was kind of lame, but it's true right? I just wish he wasn't so quick to say break-up. Gosh, not even a break or some space? I would have understood a week or two break to figure out what needs to be fixed. But just a bomb. Bombs over Baghdad. Talk about papercut feeling. When I drove to work, I was kind of hoping to get in a car accident that would send me to the hospital. Make him realize if he could stand losing me from his life forever.
He dismissed the things I did for him. When he had one of his first longer days, he got out an hour earlier and came over. I made sure dinner was ready and after that I massaged his feet and his back. It felt so good to have him lay in my arms. It felt so good to put my hands on him. I never said it, nor did I probably show it, but honestly, every time I touch him, I am so appreciative that he's in my life the way he is... as my lover and best friend. That's why I love holding hands with him, even at church. That's why I give him massages when I can. It's not only to relieve some ache in his body, but to show appreciation that I'm so happy he's in my life and to remind myself that yes, he's really there; I finally found the one. This is not a dream. Who would want to induce carpal tunnel in their hands for shits and giggles anyway?!
Well, now it was all a dream. The past two days were nightmares; the worst kind at that because it really happened.
I just feel so jilted. Like that "left at the altar" feeling. He built up the illusion that we were getting married. He looked me straight in the eyes and asked me to be the mother of his children. Like I said, I know him. He doesn't bullshit that stuff. Especially the more serious stuff. He would not say it if he didn't mean it. He didn't even give me a fighting chance to redeem myself. I didn't mean to talk to a few people, but I needed a support group. And I definitely wasn't trying to make him look bad, I wanted to let them know how much he means to me. I guess I should have been doing that to him. I should have let him know all along how much he means to me. And why would I want them to think of him badly when I want to be with him?!
"Yo I'm sick of this man! I can't even take no more 'cuz I hate the fact that I love you so much and u know what I'm sayin. You don't even understand wat this is doing to me." --Usher "I Can't Let U Go"
Hahaha probably not the best quote to sum of my feelings, but it's the song playing in the break up mix and I like the beginning with Usher yelling.
It's like that movie, " I can do bad all by myself".... "I can do good in just one day". hahaha yep, that's what malnourishment does to your brain. It makes it not work.
It's true. I really thought this was going to be a better time for us to finally have a relationship that didn't involve books all the time. We could finally be girlfriend and boyfriend and not just study buddies. Don't get me wrong, the transition to having so much free time and not being able to see him as much did take a little toll on me and some getting used to, but it was always a surprise when he called earlier than expected. I was so excited for these upcoming two years because it meant more going out, more date nights, possible trips to Muskegon or out of town even. I was excited for couple's massages and just enjoying the summer. I was honestly planning all those things and more to just get out of this rut we've been in for a little while now... and then he just pulled the cord on it. I didn't even get the chance to show him the good times I had been planning. I didn't even get the chance to tell him. I asked him if we could go to Muskegon one of these weekend, but I never really told him that I was so excited for all of our upcoming adventures.
I never really showed him how happy he made me. He really thought I was so unhappy and he tried so hard to make me happy that he realized he wasn't happy. And a lot of it was because I was lacking on that end. I did not realize that he needed to be made happy, too. I just got so used to him trying to make me happy that I let the ball drop. I just figured he had it all together, he never once said anything. But in turn, that's where I failed as a girlfriend. I should have known better, I should have seen through him. I honestly thought he was just so tired all the time because of work. It never occurred to me that it was unhappiness.
I'm calling his bluff, though. I know he did NOT mean all those things about "fooling myself into thinking you were the one for me" or "I haven't been happy for so long". I know him, he's not the kind of person to say things he doesn't mean. Maybe he didn't think of it anymore but he meant it the time he said it. That's why killed me so much. He made me feel like the past three years meant nothing to him and that he could just throw away everything in the blink of an eye. And he expected me to swallow that pill?! Seriously, he's out of his mind. I know him, I know his tactic. He put on this hard shell, acting all bitter and as if it didn't hurt him. He was such a dick. But I know it was because he was hurting inside.
I know he didn't mean those nasty things he said to me, but he just didn't want to be swayed by the idea that I could change... that we could change. He quit on me. And that hurt the most. I really believe that he is the one for me. I believed that he was the one who I could fall in, out, and back in love with. We had been through rough patches and more times we have seen such brighter days. It's such a lie for him to say, "Out of the past year, I've only been happy 5 times!" First of all, that's not true. We've had really good days and months. If there were bad times, it had to do with school. It's not just me. That's what's wrong with his thinking, he mixes his feelings about our relationship with the feelings from school and he takes it out on me. I'm his punching bag, his scapegoat. Without me, he'll realize that there are still problems that are his own and it wasn't just me. I just hope he breaks that shell soon.
He just picked up the minor details, but he didn't see the whole picture. This is why it was such a bomb that was dropped on me. I knew we were going through a rough patch, especially since we both were going through many changes with the COMLEX I exam and the transition to rotations. I'm not the one who went through it, but I am the one who stuck by the person who did. I had to go through that change, too. It affected me, too. I just didn't think it was that bad. That's the thing, he said he knew for the past month that this wasn't working out. The past month was really not the best time period to convey our whole relationship over. And he never told me. He said he didn't because he was so sure that it wasn't working out between us, but I do believe it was because he was hoping things would get better. He was hoping things would change between us, but he failed to tell me that there needed to be. Like I said, I was so excited. I had been patiently waiting the past two years for this exact moment to finally be with him and have great times before he graduated and went off to residency. And he pulled the rug under me after only ONE WEEK of rotations. And what happened in the first week of rotations? He had his shit changed so last minute. He had to get used to getting criticized and talking to patients. He got pimped and hated answering the questions wrong. He had to do a patient presentation and hated getting picked on for not asking if he palpated the chest. Who did he take out that stress and frustration on? Me of course. And I took it because I would suffer and take a bullet for him, even if it was from him.
I changed and grew up so much in one day like Ryan said. I called up Anne and Faith. I even made an appointment to see my therapist (which is on Tuesday, btw). If I knew Dom felt this way a few days, weeks, months, years ago then I would have known to step up my game or even just to explain myself. I always wanted to call Faith and make things right, but I let Dom take the lead on what he wanted things to be between me and her. Instead of introducing me to her or pushing us towards each other like he did with me and JJ, he instead decided to cut her out of the picture all together. I honestly just wanted to meet her and feel ok about her. And once I did call her, I honestly felt a huge weight lifted. It probably wouldn't have taken such a long time to build trust with Dom if I had talked to her sooner.
He said part of it was because he had changed as a person, some good, some bad and he didn't like the bad changes he had made. He said he couldn't hang out or even talk to his friends without me being a brat about it and that's why he never did. Don't get me wrong, yes I did go overboard when I gave him the fifth degree about catching up with RJ. But again, that would have been all taken care of if I was introduced and had talked to Faith along time ago. And then the whole bachelor party. Yes, I did get upset since he was sooooo sure that they weren't going to a strip club and was so intent on making me know that they weren't. And then the day after when he told me they did... how could I not be upset? If he only said, "I'm really not sure. We might." I would have felt so much better about it. I mean, I gave him 15$ in singles for crying out loud just in case, but he was so sure they weren't going and ended up going. He knew there was a strip club in Greektown. Anyways, like I said... I would have reacted better if he didn't build me up to believe that they weren't going FOR SURE. Don't assume, sillyhead. It makes an ASS out of U and ME.
And him not talking or hanging out with his friends is a total cop out. I never said not to talk or hangout with any of them. I've honestly tried to encourage it. That's why I ask him if he's talked to any of his friends lately. Not to necessarily be snoopy, but to remind him that he does have friends who are waiting to hear from him. I bet he didn't know that about me. That's why I always badgered him about if he talked to them... so that I could put the idea that he should. Inception, guys. In-fuckin-ception. But nooooooooo, he thinks I'm such a bad guy, he probably thought I was being all nosey and he probably thought I want him all to my self. Ugh, no buddy. That's so far from it. I really do think that our relationship would have benefited so much more and been more fulfilling if he did spend some of his days with his friends.. with or without me. He would have been so much happier. I would have been so much happier. That's why I do hang out with my friends every now and then... change of pace and not such a routine thing. And to be completely honest, I really thought he just didn't have the time to hang out with anyone because he always said he had to study. I never knew it was because of me. If I knew that... I would have made rules for him to spend at least one of the days out of his week to hanging out with his friends. That's why I was so adamant about having Reju study with us... because I thought having him see people other than just me all the time would have been nicer.
If I knew his intentions for not hanging out or talking with his friends... that it was because of me.... I would have told him to do otherwise. It's not healthy that he only leaned on me, that he only talked to me. That's why I'd hang out with my friends every now and then.... to show him to do the same. And it's all a reflection of how he saw me... he really thought the worst of me. I'm so not like that.
So much miscommunication. He's going to base our relationship on the things that happened in the past month? Sorry buddy, you weren't listening nor paying attention to details. He came off wrong in so many ways and he took me the wrong way in so many ways as well.
I finally had a good 8 or 9 hours of rest last night, but I still can't get myself to eat or to even feel hungry.
If I don't lose at least a few pounds from this, this will all be in vain. Damn.
I don't want to have hope that he'll come back to me, but I do. I can't shake off that I know he is the one for me. But he has to choose for himself if he'll allow me to be the one for him. The past month, I felt really disconnected from him, too. I just never grew the balls to talk to him about it. I just figured since he's finally doing rotations it would just magically get better and that our problems would just disappear. And it's obvious that they didn't. They were just under the rug and we never thought to pick the rug up and sweep those problems with the broom called "Communication" and dispose it into the can marked "Resolution".
Hahaha ok that was kind of lame, but it's true right? I just wish he wasn't so quick to say break-up. Gosh, not even a break or some space? I would have understood a week or two break to figure out what needs to be fixed. But just a bomb. Bombs over Baghdad. Talk about papercut feeling. When I drove to work, I was kind of hoping to get in a car accident that would send me to the hospital. Make him realize if he could stand losing me from his life forever.
He dismissed the things I did for him. When he had one of his first longer days, he got out an hour earlier and came over. I made sure dinner was ready and after that I massaged his feet and his back. It felt so good to have him lay in my arms. It felt so good to put my hands on him. I never said it, nor did I probably show it, but honestly, every time I touch him, I am so appreciative that he's in my life the way he is... as my lover and best friend. That's why I love holding hands with him, even at church. That's why I give him massages when I can. It's not only to relieve some ache in his body, but to show appreciation that I'm so happy he's in my life and to remind myself that yes, he's really there; I finally found the one. This is not a dream. Who would want to induce carpal tunnel in their hands for shits and giggles anyway?!
Well, now it was all a dream. The past two days were nightmares; the worst kind at that because it really happened.
I just feel so jilted. Like that "left at the altar" feeling. He built up the illusion that we were getting married. He looked me straight in the eyes and asked me to be the mother of his children. Like I said, I know him. He doesn't bullshit that stuff. Especially the more serious stuff. He would not say it if he didn't mean it. He didn't even give me a fighting chance to redeem myself. I didn't mean to talk to a few people, but I needed a support group. And I definitely wasn't trying to make him look bad, I wanted to let them know how much he means to me. I guess I should have been doing that to him. I should have let him know all along how much he means to me. And why would I want them to think of him badly when I want to be with him?!
"Yo I'm sick of this man! I can't even take no more 'cuz I hate the fact that I love you so much and u know what I'm sayin. You don't even understand wat this is doing to me." --Usher "I Can't Let U Go"
Hahaha probably not the best quote to sum of my feelings, but it's the song playing in the break up mix and I like the beginning with Usher yelling.
It's like that movie, " I can do bad all by myself".... "I can do good in just one day". hahaha yep, that's what malnourishment does to your brain. It makes it not work.