There it is!

[_nv]

Having posted the last entry and allowing my thoughts to marinate, I think I know what it is that has me feeling kind of yucks. I've been feeling kind of on edge since the last two weeks right before his exam because I just fed off of his feelings, but I was ok. It didn't get that bad until our last fight, Tuesday night. We were just both so pissed off and he was stressed out. He kicked me out of his house. It's happened, somewhat used to it when things get heated. I think it hit me when he threatened our relationship, "Keep talking and I'm going to break up with you". I spent that night and the whole next day just preparing myself for the worst and just faked not caring until I didn't really care anymore. It just hurt me so much and self-defense mechanisms just pushed him away and forced my guard to come up. Now I don't know how to bring them down again.

Ugh, I really need to talk to him. I just hate it sometimes because there's never a right time. Especially now with his family in town and such. We don't have a lot of private alone time. If we have alone time, it's in public at the mall or movies. I would like to tell him now, but then he'd get mad for "saving the heavy stuff before bed". There are so many times he just makes me feel like such a terrible girlfriend/person. Sometimes, he makes me feel like I just waste his time. "Why do you do this?" "Why don't you do that?" I hate the person he's become because of medical school. Hopefully rotations will be better.

I'm just hoping tomorrow's better. Please Lord, let tomorrow be better.
Waiting for that sunshine after the storm.