It's been a while.
Hi.
I'm not really sure of anyone who uses their LJ anymore. But I didn't have the heart to delete mine even though all the feelings I had in here seem so far away. It's like a detailed record of all these fresh memories I had that seem hazy now. So many things are different. It’s so weird how things change.
I'm 17. And all the stuff I wrote here a while ago seems so childish now.
I finally broke up with my boyfriend after 2 years. I read all the things I wrote when I started dating him and I feel like I've changed. I'm a little less naive I guess, less willing to put myself aside. I've stopped looking at things through love goggles...putting up with things I would never take from someone else normally. I feel a little disappointed with the relationship. I gave allot of myself for such a long time and I'm sad that it wasn't returned as much as I needed it. He was really possessive of me and got insecure and hard to deal with when I'd go out with friends or even my family. He saw me allot but when I didn't see him he'd keep me on the phone till I went to bed. I know that doesn't seem so bad but it was.
Sooner or later I realized that my life had become all about him....I pushed allot of people away trying to make him happy. When I looked back on it, my whole life was talking to him and being with him. I never had time for anything else in my life. It made me feel lonely and bitter when he would talk about his friends and going out with them. When we would talk he started just talking about his subject mostly. He'd even go on into these university advanced things even when I told him I just don't know what his talking about for long periods of time. Eventually I dreaded talking to him.
I supported him 100% with everything that he wanted to do. When he wanted to join that competition I supported him, even though it meant that when I saw him he'd have to study a little or when we talked on the phone. When he made it to the prep weekend I supported him. I made sure when he wanted to call me I was there to cheer him on. When he made it for 2 weeks overseas I was there seeing him off at the airport giving him good luck. I was even fine when he told me they weren't allowed to be in contact with everyone for a week while they were competing. Sure I was sad but I never once complained. I knew it was his dream. But if that were me he would be angry with me, making me feel horrible, guilting me not to do it. He was even pissed when I joined the drama production and got home late on some days. He made me want to quit even though I got a nice part. When we finally performed I felt alone. The day before he made me cry because he was acting mean because I was going to be home late. He never once wished me good luck or asked me how it went. Stuff like that really killed me when I was by myself when he was over there. I thought how come I am like this for him and he is not like that for me? I had to leave 2 days before he got back from there for a week on vacation with my family and he had the nerve to say that "Oh well I guess it will be 3 weeks till I see you now!". He made me feel bad when he was the one who was gone for a week for prep then 2 overseas without contact half the time. It made me so angry.
When we were together we could never just watch a movie or have fun, all he did was want other things. Then I really would be reluctant to see him. He brought me too school things like prom and stuff but he never once brought me to see his friends when he'd hang out. I felt like a loser staying at home waiting for him at night because he wanted to go drinking in the park with his friends then coming back and telling me some guy brought his girlfriend and some friend of hers and the friend was acting like a slut blah blah blah. One of his friends, a dirty old snake, used to talk bad about me even though I hardly talked to him and when I was I would be my nicest. I'd even compliment him on his shirt or something and then I'd find out that afterwards he'd say awful things about me. It used to make me cry and all my boyfriend told me was "Well he is his own person. I can't really make him do anything". He only told him off when I threatened him and he told him like a mother telling her kind to "Oh stop that dear." I could go on but there’s a billon more things that made me just feel hateful towards him.
It makes me sad that he couldn't try to be better for me. I mean I always tried to better myself for him. Like was there something wrong with me? I sacrificed allot of myself for him (more than I should have) and he never once returned the favor. I made some mistakes in our relationship but never even close to this crap. I'm not vain. I don't think I'm perfect but I was a pretty good girlfriend and I know it. I'm not ugly, I'm not a moron, I have self worth for myself to know that I disserve better. So when I came back from the my trip in the summer...tired and wanting to sleep for a few days. He was at my house. Even though I called him and told him I just wanted to sleep and not have to worry about guests. He ignored my request and was there anyways. I came home and had to do the dishes, HIS dishes from being at my house all day without me. I'm pretty sure he went through my computer too since once I caught him doing it when he told me he wanted to check his email in my basement.
As far as the relationship, well, I don't wish him bad but I don't wish him well. There's not a whole lot that I feel I need to hear from him. I've thought about it and there really isn't anything he could say to me to make me feel better about him. So it just ends there I guess. I've gotten into a boat and am drifting father from that island so to speak. Watching it sink into the distance and disappear...all those bad feelings along with it. I'm moving on. He's not an issue anymore. I really did love him though. I would have done anything for him. Too little too late I guess.
Anyways I got my sin number and I'm moving on with my life. I decided that I want to get a job for something to do and to make some cash. I'm tired of men and relationships. I think I'll just look at guys for now, not anything else. My sketch book is really coming along. I've improved so much since I last wrote her. My style has matured and evolved. I'm trying to get into painting like watercolors but it's difficult to find the time to set up, paint and clean up before my house becomes to chaotic to work. I really love adding color to my graphite pictures. It breaths a special life into them when I look at them like in full color. Maybe when I have enough money I can buy a tablet and learn to color on my computer. Humm..
I want to apologize to my friends. It probably wasn't as big as a deal to them all as it was to me that I hadn't been there for a while. I mean everyone has there own stuff going on...but it was stupid of me to loose myself for a guy. To blow off stuff. No one really goes on here so no one will probably read this but I guess it's therapeutic to write it out. Anyways I'm glad that I feel more like me, I have more of a purpose and I have a life. I never needed a boyfriend for that but it is a little sad that I don't have a boyfriend girlfriend relationship anymore because it was nice when it was nice.
Maybe later I will write again. Who knows when? I hope life is going good for you in your life.
(v_v) Love,
me