A Depressed Heart, A Dirty Lie.
I feel so...I dunno. I was really sad last night. All that hard relationship stuff. I couldn't sleep. I was up till 4 or 5 I guess. I don't feel that tired actually.
I feel deprived or pissed off, I can't tell. Like I feel like we all grow up so fast and I never really got to enjoy that normal highschool life because of how my family kept moving. I never got to do the fun stupid stuff every teen does before they're adults and the world becomes even less exciting. My friends are far away, I never get to see them...My boyfriend is far away, I only see him on weekends. I have no friends at my home school, I feel like day in and day out I do the same thing at school. I have no direction in my future. My at home life is twisted and demented. My mom is far from normal and nurturing...my brothers are not people I can really confide in. I feel like when I'm alone, when everyones life isn't bustling around, that my life is standing still that I'm going no where. I feel like a spectator. I think I must be incredibly boring. I get anxious and can't sleep because I feel this impending doom chasing after me. Then when it catches up to me...I'll just be all alone. Out of touch with the world. Life ruined forever.
I dunno...of coarse the solution for this all is I'm wierd, a big tard. I should shut up. I should just swallow my teenage angst just like everyone else and take it in stride. I'm not going to kill myself...I think thats the dumbest thing ever. I just wish life wasn't a struggle just like the other millions of people in this world. Oh well.
How are all my problems going to be solved? No idea. My life flip flops to blissful in the moment-ness to crappy impending-doomy-ness. I used to be able to sleep fine. But not lately. I had this wrist-watch in my room a little bit back. It was contributing to the problem. When I was worrying it seemed to click unbeliveably loud. Mocking me. A clock is messing around with me people! Can you belive it!? I threw it in my drawer so it would stop screaming at me with it's ticking away to my doom. But everyone does that...right?
Doom..tick
Doom..tick
Doom..tick
Umm I was looking for my photo album today. I can't find it. I was thinking about it. I know it's in one of these boxes but I don't remember which one. it's frustrating. I keep finding all this crap that is...I admit... cool. Or possible dumb in others opinions in which I'll put Cool/Stupid to include everyone. Anyways I found some old sketch book pages of my grandfathers...he was pretty good. They're dated to like the 30's. I brought those upstairs cause they're pretty cool. I also found old paintings from kindergarden from me and both my older brothers. Those are pretty wierd to still have. They even smell like the fresh paint. I smell it and can vividly remember the painting station when I was in kindergarden and the smocks and everything. I guess scent really does trigger memory. Yeah and I found a whole bunch of other stuff...but no album.
I'm so unsatisfied! I was looking for that after all... but I found pretty much everything BUT that. grr
My boyfriend is on a learning binge. He has taught himself two subjects ahead so he can take a test meant for grade 12's. And he is only grade 11 and he is working through stuff so easily. I feel so unaccomplished compared to him. I'm proud of him though...extremly.
Anyways he has been studying alot to make the deadline for the test in a month. I feel sort of neglected. He spends every waking moment almost, working ahead. I only get to talk to him now at night. And by that time he is tired so yeah. It sucks. And he does stuff like "I have to go for dinner I'll call you later" at 5. Then he calls me at 9 and tells me he was doing some studying ahead first. ugh. Lonely. But I'm happy for him and I want him to succeed and do well. So I'll just keep this to myself. Still sucks though. This seems like a pattern for the future. *sigh*
I wish I could talk to him about what he is learning too. So desperatly. I mean he tries to explain to me and show me his work but it's too advanced for me. I know he is really excited and glad about his accomplishments and just wants to tell someone about it. I really wish I could relate. I could give him the stimulating conversation he is seeking. That makes me sad.
Bah! life is retarded. Don't worry about me. Worry about yourself. You live in this crappy world too!!
-Me
(-_-)
I feel deprived or pissed off, I can't tell. Like I feel like we all grow up so fast and I never really got to enjoy that normal highschool life because of how my family kept moving. I never got to do the fun stupid stuff every teen does before they're adults and the world becomes even less exciting. My friends are far away, I never get to see them...My boyfriend is far away, I only see him on weekends. I have no friends at my home school, I feel like day in and day out I do the same thing at school. I have no direction in my future. My at home life is twisted and demented. My mom is far from normal and nurturing...my brothers are not people I can really confide in. I feel like when I'm alone, when everyones life isn't bustling around, that my life is standing still that I'm going no where. I feel like a spectator. I think I must be incredibly boring. I get anxious and can't sleep because I feel this impending doom chasing after me. Then when it catches up to me...I'll just be all alone. Out of touch with the world. Life ruined forever.
I dunno...of coarse the solution for this all is I'm wierd, a big tard. I should shut up. I should just swallow my teenage angst just like everyone else and take it in stride. I'm not going to kill myself...I think thats the dumbest thing ever. I just wish life wasn't a struggle just like the other millions of people in this world. Oh well.
How are all my problems going to be solved? No idea. My life flip flops to blissful in the moment-ness to crappy impending-doomy-ness. I used to be able to sleep fine. But not lately. I had this wrist-watch in my room a little bit back. It was contributing to the problem. When I was worrying it seemed to click unbeliveably loud. Mocking me. A clock is messing around with me people! Can you belive it!? I threw it in my drawer so it would stop screaming at me with it's ticking away to my doom. But everyone does that...right?
Doom..tick
Doom..tick
Doom..tick
Umm I was looking for my photo album today. I can't find it. I was thinking about it. I know it's in one of these boxes but I don't remember which one. it's frustrating. I keep finding all this crap that is...I admit... cool. Or possible dumb in others opinions in which I'll put Cool/Stupid to include everyone. Anyways I found some old sketch book pages of my grandfathers...he was pretty good. They're dated to like the 30's. I brought those upstairs cause they're pretty cool. I also found old paintings from kindergarden from me and both my older brothers. Those are pretty wierd to still have. They even smell like the fresh paint. I smell it and can vividly remember the painting station when I was in kindergarden and the smocks and everything. I guess scent really does trigger memory. Yeah and I found a whole bunch of other stuff...but no album.
I'm so unsatisfied! I was looking for that after all... but I found pretty much everything BUT that. grr
My boyfriend is on a learning binge. He has taught himself two subjects ahead so he can take a test meant for grade 12's. And he is only grade 11 and he is working through stuff so easily. I feel so unaccomplished compared to him. I'm proud of him though...extremly.
Anyways he has been studying alot to make the deadline for the test in a month. I feel sort of neglected. He spends every waking moment almost, working ahead. I only get to talk to him now at night. And by that time he is tired so yeah. It sucks. And he does stuff like "I have to go for dinner I'll call you later" at 5. Then he calls me at 9 and tells me he was doing some studying ahead first. ugh. Lonely. But I'm happy for him and I want him to succeed and do well. So I'll just keep this to myself. Still sucks though. This seems like a pattern for the future. *sigh*
I wish I could talk to him about what he is learning too. So desperatly. I mean he tries to explain to me and show me his work but it's too advanced for me. I know he is really excited and glad about his accomplishments and just wants to tell someone about it. I really wish I could relate. I could give him the stimulating conversation he is seeking. That makes me sad.
Bah! life is retarded. Don't worry about me. Worry about yourself. You live in this crappy world too!!
-Me
(-_-)