Osorurunakare (Be not Afraid) - Miyavi/Reita
Title: Osorurunakare (Be not Afraid)
Author: Kagome
Theme: #20 - Fear
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: Miyavi (solo)/Reita (The GazettE)
Disclaimer: Standard disclaimer applies.
Summary: Miyavi’s afraid, but exactly what is it that he’s afraid of?
Comments: I thought and thought of what to write for this theme, and I couldn’t really think of anything for quite some time, so I would move on and write other themes instead. Then, one day, this popped into my head, and I thought it was absolutely perfect for this particular theme. A little strange, perhaps, but I like it. ^_^ The lyrics at the beginning and end are from Alexz Johnson’s “How Strong Do You Think I Am?” Written for 50stories.
Osorurunakare
And should I be afraid,
To dream about you?
And if you feel the same,
What ya gonna to do?
Miyavi had never been the greatest person with relationships, and that’s an understatement. He would get into a relationship thinking that he really liked someone, and that he would grow to love them, but each and every time, he had thought wrong. He would end relationships almost before they had the chance to properly begin; he would always find some reason to push people away - some reason why they weren’t ‘the one’.
His friends knew of his trouble with relationships. Hell, even Kai had once told him that even though there were plenty of fish in the sea, throwing so many of them back in such a short time would not bode well for him. “Fish tend to gossip,” Kai had said. “Keep on throwing them back at this rate, and you’ll wind up going hungry.”
It was, perhaps, a nicer way of saying: “You’ll wind up alone.” Miyavi had known there was truth in Kai’s words, but he hadn’t really been all that concerned about it. Even though, deep down, he had believed the problem was his own, the rest of him had been perfectly happy to say that it wasn’t his fault. After all, how could it be his fault that other people simply had proven to not be good enough for him?
Even after listening to Kai’s sugar-coated words, Miyavi knew he’d find someone eventually - he just knew it. After all, there were people - both women and men alike - that would be willing to throw themselves at his feet and practically worship him. He knew, because he had dated a few of those people, and he had inevitably broken it off with them too. He kept telling himself that the right one just hadn’t come along yet, and that he’d keep trying until they did.
He still tells himself the very same thing. He still enters relationships without much thought, and ends them with even less thought. Sometimes, he wonders if this makes him a bad person. But, really, it isn’t his fault that other people are so damned difficult to stay in a relationship with!
“You know what I think?” Reita asks suddenly, interrupting Miyavi’s train of thought and bringing him back to the here and now. “I think you’re trying too hard, Miya-kun. People that you don’t even take the time to get to know show an interest in you and you jump into a relationship right off the bat. You don’t take time to get to know them. You don’t take time to become friends with them. And then, you come up with any stupid excuse that you can to get rid of them. It’s been like this ever since I’ve known you.”
There were other people, and then there was Reita. Reita, who had been Miyavi’s friend for three years now. Reita, who had told Miyavi that he deserved someone who would treat him right. Reita, who had stuck with Miyavi through thick and thin - who had been by his side through everything.
Reita, who didn’t sugar-coat anything like Kai did. Reita had always been blunt; he had always been the type to speak his mind, and he had never been the type to care about what others thought about his opinions.
Miyavi has always found Reita’s personality to be very attractive. To be honest, he has always found all of Reita to be very attractive. He’s entertained ideas of asking Reita to be more than just friends with him, and he’s certain that Reita’s entertained those same ideas at some point or another. But he and Reita are friends - close friends - and Miyavi has a strict ‘just say no’ policy when it comes to dating friends. There’s always the chance, after all, that things won’t go as planned, and they’ll wind up ruining the perfect friendship that they already have.
And even with that knowledge hanging over his head, it still doesn’t stop Miyavi from wondering, ‘what if?’ This is one situation, however, in which Miyavi’s curiosity will not get the best of him. No matter what he feels for Reita, it’s too dangerous to attempt anything more than the friendship. He doesn’t want to risk losing Reita over a failed relationship - and if they entered into a relationship, it more than likely would fail, just like all they others.
“… You have a good point,” Miyavi finally answers as he smiles at his companion. “But I think you’ve forgotten something, Rei-kun. I don’t become friends with people and then try to be in a relationship with them. You already know how I feel about that. It ruins the friendship.”
Reita gazes at him from across the table, and Miyavi almost wants to sink to the floor and hide underneath the table like a little child (lunch be damned), simply because he doesn’t like being the object of such scrutiny.
“How do you know that?” Reita asks as he sets his fork aside, apparently deciding to ignore his spaghetti in favor of asking Miyavi ten thousand questions, all of which Miyavi probably will not want to answer. “Have you been in a relationship with one of your friends at some point, and the relationship turned sour, so you swore off dating friends?”
Nevermind the fact that Miyavi doesn’t exactly have a proper answer to Reita’s question. He doen’t know from experience that trying to date a friend will ruin everything… it's simply always been one of his beliefs. “No.” He sets his own fork on the table, averting his eyes and trying to ignore the growling of his stomach. “I just… it’s something I don’t want to risk, Rei-kun. Like…” He trails off, not quite certain that he should say what’s on his mind, because he is certain that if he does say it, he’ll be crossing a line of some sort.
Reita raises an eyebrow and settles further back against his chair. “Go ahead,” he says. “I’m listening.”
“… Like if you wanted to be in a relationship with me, or I wanted to be in a relationship with you. I’d tell myself that a few kisses and a few touches and the other things that go along with a relationship wouldn’t be worth it in the end if things went wrong and I lost you. I’d be losing a boyfriend as well as a friend.” Miyavi still won’t look directly at Reita - especially not now… not after what he’s just said. He can’t figure out why he’s so on edge about it; perhaps it’s because they have come very close to dancing on that line between ‘friends’ and ‘something more than friends’ in the past. Perhaps it’s because he feels like they’re heading for that line again, and he isn’t quite sure how to slam on the breaks and turn around. He isn’t sure how he can head back to safer territory, not after what he’s just blurted.
“What if I told you that you wouldn’t lose me?” Reita sounds very calm and collected, and Miyavi feels nowhere near calm or collected. He feels like something is unraveling and he wishes that he could stop it but again, he doesn’t know how. He never knows how to properly sound the retreat, not when it comes to Reita. Thankfully, Reita had always seemed to know when he was pushing too far, and had always backed off. And from that point, things had always returned to normal between them.
Miyavi has a feeling that that won’t be the case this time, however. He doesn’t know why - it’s just a feeling that he has. “You can’t make a promise like that, Reita,” Miyavi answers quietly. “You can’t tell me that if we try to be more than friends, it’ll work. And you can’t tell me that you’ll stick around if it doesn’t work, because you don’t know.”
Reita pushes his chair away from the table and stands up, briskly stepping to Miyavi’s side of the table, placing his fingers beneath Miyavi’s chin and tilting his head up, forcing Miyavi to look at him. “A relationship takes work, Miyavi. That’s something that you haven’t put into any of the relationships you’ve been in thus far. You keep saying that the people you wind up with aren’t right for you, and maybe that’s true. Thing is… you don’t ever give them a real chance. You don’t try, and that’s what a relationship takes.”
Miyavi silently curses Reita’s ability to ‘hit the nail on the head’ - as the saying goes - every single time. “But--”
“You know me,” Reita interrupts, and Miyavi thinks he’s imagining the almost desperate tone in his voice. “You know my heart, you know my soul, and I’m willing to try if you are. That’s all I’m asking of you… I’m asking you to try. And even if we wouldn’t work out as more than friends, I can promise you that I’ll still be your friend because that’s what we were first. That’s what we’ve always been.”
Reita leans down, and Miyavi knows that Reita is going to kiss him. Miyavi has always stopped him in the past when he’s tried to kiss him, but this time, Miyavi doesn’t try to stop him. Instead, he closes his eyes, and when he feels Reita’s lips on his - warm and soft - he lets Reita kiss him. It’s probably a mistake on his part, but Reita’s lips feel good, and Miyavi wouldn’t mind if Reita deepened the kiss.
But Reita draws back instead, searching Miyavi’s eyes. “Well? What will it be, Miya-kun? Do you think it’s worth a shot, or are you just going to push me away again and continue to give complete strangers a better chance than you give me?”
Miyavi licks his lips unconsciously, now feeling almost ashamed. Reita is right, he knows. Miyavi has always welcomed almost-strangers with open arms, and he’s always pushed Reita away. Of course, he’d never been in a relationship for a lengthy period of time, but he’d given those people something akin to a chance, and he hadn’t given Reita even that much. “Rei-kun… we can’t. I don’t want to hurt you. I don’t want to lose you.”
Looking crestfallen, Reita backs away, putting some space between them. “In case you didn’t know, I can take care of myself just fine, Miyavi.” Anger is beginning to creep into his voice, and it sets Miyavi even further on edge. “You know what? You’re afraid.”
“I am afraid,” Miyavi agrees, trying to speak calmly and reduce the tension between them. His voice wavers, but that doesn’t stop him. “You already know that I’m afraid of losing you, even though you’ve told me that I won’t. I care too much about you to--”
“That isn’t what you’re afraid of!” Reita yells, and Miyavi cringes, knowing that he’s only managed to make things worse. “You’re not afraid of hurting me, and you’re not even afraid of losing me. What you’re afraid of is us. You’re afraid of letting yourself love me! You’re not afraid of the idea of us falling apart - you’re afraid of the idea of us working out and actually having a proper relationship!”
The words hit Miyavi like a slap in the face, and they hurt. Not because they’re a lie, but because they’re the truth. That revelation in itself is terrifying enough, and Miyavi has absolutely no idea how to respond. “Reita…” He trails off again, shaking his head.
Reita’s eyes narrow and then he closes them, taking a few deep breaths before reopening them. “You know what? Forget it, Miyavi. Just forget this conversation took place, okay? We’ll be back to ‘normal’ within the next few days. This is how it goes for us, isn’t it? This is normal for us. I try, and you push me away. I’m sick and tired of it, but I care about you too much to just give up.” He sighs, sounding incredibly tired. “Just… Sorry about this, but I’m going to go home now. I’ll talk to you later.”
Reita leaves the kitchen then, and Miyavi listens as he exits the apartment, all but slamming the door behind him. Reita’s spaghetti is untouched. Miyavi will put it in the refrigerator; maybe Reita will come back and want it later. At least, that’s what he hopes.
Funnily enough, he feels like he’s losing Reita already - or, at least, he feels like he’s losing something. And he loses a little more each time he pushes Reita away. That scares him, too. He feels the sting of tears in his eyes but he blinks them back, determined not to cry over something that will be forgotten in a matter of days, anyway. Like Reita had said, everything will be back to ‘normal’ in a few days. Like always, within a matter of days or weeks (or maybe even months), Miyavi will probably find someone else that he thinks will be good for him, and then dump them for the stupidest reason he can possibly think of. And, like always, Reita will still be there through it all.
Reita had always been there for him.
Making a face at his own spaghetti, Miyavi pushes his plate aside and rests his forehead on the table. Suddenly, he’s not hungry anymore.
~*~
That night, Miyavi works up the nerve to call Reita, though his hands are shaking as he opens his cell phone and finds Reita’s number in his contacts, and then presses the ‘send’ button.
Reita answers on the third ring, though he doesn’t sound anywhere near as cheerful as he typically does when Miyavi calls him. “What’cha want?” is the first thing Miyavi hears him say; no ‘hello’, no ‘how are you?”… but then again, Miyavi figures that he should have expected Reita to react in that way - he is probably still upset, after all.
“You left your spaghetti,” Miyavi states simply, and his voice is shaking almost as badly as his hands.
“… What?” Reita takes on a bit of an irate tone, and Miyavi can’t say that he blames him for that, either. “Miyavi, is that why you called me? Is that the only reason why you called me?”
Miyavi doesn’t answer Reita’s questions. Instead, he asks one of his own: “Aren’t you going to come back and get it?”
There is a brief silence before Reita answers. “You know, I appreciate the fact that you made me the spaghetti and everything, but the spaghetti is the last thing on my mind right now. We’re working on a new single, and on top of that, I need a little time to kinda get over what happened this afternoon, and--”
“Please,” Miyavi says, his voice barely above a whisper. Please, just come back for a little while. I’ve been an idiot, Rei-chan.
Reita heaves a heavy sigh, but finally concedes. “Alright, alright, Miyavi. I’ll drop by there, but I can’t stay long, okay? I’m guessing that this isn’t completely about the spaghetti. You sound… you don’t sound like yourself.”
And Miyavi doesn’t sound like himself. He sounds terrified, and that emotion is one that is very rarely revealed in his voice. “It’s not, and I don’t,” he agrees. “And… I won’t keep you long.”
“Then I’ll see you in a few minutes.”
Reita ends the call before Miyavi has the chance to reply, and Miyavi closes his phone, trying to stop trembling. His stomach is in knots and he’s pretty sure that when he tries to tell Reita what he wants to tell him (what he’s been thinking about all day and even before then), his tongue will tie in knots as well. Or worse, he’ll lose his words completely.
But he is determined to try. For once, he truly wants to try.
~*~
When Reita arrives, Miyavi lets him in without breathing a word, but as soon as he shuts the door, he turns to Reita and blurts, “I’m not easy to be with.”
Reita raises his eyebrow, but otherwise gives the impression that that particular bit of information is old news to him. “And I’m not easy to get rid of,” he replies.
Miyavi steps closer to Reita, close enough to touch, but he doesn’t attempt to touch him - not yet, at least. “You’re right,” he says, though he knows that Reita knows it already. “I am afraid of something between us working out. I’m afraid of giving myself to you. But at the same time, I’m afraid things will change later on… I’m afraid that you’ll wind up not wanting me anymore and that will be it, and things will be irreparable between us and I’ll lose you. You tell me that I won’t, and that something like that won’t happen, but how do you know that?”
One corner of Reita’s mouth lifts in a small smirk. “First off, you’re the one with the reputation of dumping people rather quickly,” he replies. The tone of his voice is teasing, but they both know that he speaks the truth. “Secondly, I know, because I love you. You’ve rejected me before, and I’m still here, aren’t I?”
“Yes.” Miyavi wants to say more, but it’s difficult to force words past the lump of emotion that has suddenly formed in his throat.
“You don’t have to be afraid,” Reita says soothingly, and all the traces of anger and sadness that Miyavi had heard in his voice earlier when they were on the phone have vanished. “Not of me, Miya-chan.”
Miyavi has to try twice before he can speak again. “I want to try. I won’t push you away this time… I know it won’t necessarily be easy, but just let me try…” Miyavi’s voice is a little steadier than his legs, but not by much.
Reita doesn’t answer with words. He closes the distance between them, sliding his arms around Miyavi - Reita is shaking, too - and kissing him for the second time that day. And for the second time that day, Miyavi kisses him back, sighing almost blissfully at the feel of Reita’s lips moving against his own.
Miyavi isn’t sad to abolish his previous ‘just say no’ policy; in fact, he is quite happy to see it go. Only for Reita would he do something like this.
When Reita’s tongue darts out and licks along his bottom lip, pausing to play with Miyavi’s piercing, Miyavi gasps, giving Reita just the opportunity he had apparently been looking for.
Reita’s tongue slips past pliant lips, thoroughly exploring Miyavi’s mouth, brushing against Miyavi’s own tongue and sending a shiver down his spine. Reita kisses him like he’s been waiting a very long time for the chance to do so - and Miyavi figures that he probably has. Reita kisses him as though they have all the time in the world, but there’s a hint of fervor in the kiss as well - perhaps a promise for later.
When Reita pulls away, he is smiling, and Miyavi believes that he has never looked more attractive. “Why don’t we warm that spaghetti up?” Reita asks. “We can have it for dinner. I haven’t eaten yet. And then… well, we’ll see.” Mischief dances in his eyes, and Miyavi can’t help but return his smile, holding onto him a little tighter. It feels incredibly good to have his arms around Reita like this.
“Oh? But you can’t stay long, remember?” Miyavi reminds him teasingly.
“Changed my mind,” Reita replies, nuzzling at Miyavi’s neck and placing a kiss there. His next words are muffled, but Miyavi hears them nonetheless. “That’s okay, isn’t it?”
“Mm,” Miyavi agrees, closing his eyes, a smile still lingering on his lips.
After all, change can be a good thing, instead of something to fear.
A very good thing, indeed.
If I move in any closer
If you let go and give yourself away
And if we let this happen to us
Everything will change.
~END~
Author: Kagome
Theme: #20 - Fear
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: Miyavi (solo)/Reita (The GazettE)
Disclaimer: Standard disclaimer applies.
Summary: Miyavi’s afraid, but exactly what is it that he’s afraid of?
Comments: I thought and thought of what to write for this theme, and I couldn’t really think of anything for quite some time, so I would move on and write other themes instead. Then, one day, this popped into my head, and I thought it was absolutely perfect for this particular theme. A little strange, perhaps, but I like it. ^_^ The lyrics at the beginning and end are from Alexz Johnson’s “How Strong Do You Think I Am?” Written for 50stories.
Osorurunakare
And should I be afraid,
To dream about you?
And if you feel the same,
What ya gonna to do?
Miyavi had never been the greatest person with relationships, and that’s an understatement. He would get into a relationship thinking that he really liked someone, and that he would grow to love them, but each and every time, he had thought wrong. He would end relationships almost before they had the chance to properly begin; he would always find some reason to push people away - some reason why they weren’t ‘the one’.
His friends knew of his trouble with relationships. Hell, even Kai had once told him that even though there were plenty of fish in the sea, throwing so many of them back in such a short time would not bode well for him. “Fish tend to gossip,” Kai had said. “Keep on throwing them back at this rate, and you’ll wind up going hungry.”
It was, perhaps, a nicer way of saying: “You’ll wind up alone.” Miyavi had known there was truth in Kai’s words, but he hadn’t really been all that concerned about it. Even though, deep down, he had believed the problem was his own, the rest of him had been perfectly happy to say that it wasn’t his fault. After all, how could it be his fault that other people simply had proven to not be good enough for him?
Even after listening to Kai’s sugar-coated words, Miyavi knew he’d find someone eventually - he just knew it. After all, there were people - both women and men alike - that would be willing to throw themselves at his feet and practically worship him. He knew, because he had dated a few of those people, and he had inevitably broken it off with them too. He kept telling himself that the right one just hadn’t come along yet, and that he’d keep trying until they did.
He still tells himself the very same thing. He still enters relationships without much thought, and ends them with even less thought. Sometimes, he wonders if this makes him a bad person. But, really, it isn’t his fault that other people are so damned difficult to stay in a relationship with!
“You know what I think?” Reita asks suddenly, interrupting Miyavi’s train of thought and bringing him back to the here and now. “I think you’re trying too hard, Miya-kun. People that you don’t even take the time to get to know show an interest in you and you jump into a relationship right off the bat. You don’t take time to get to know them. You don’t take time to become friends with them. And then, you come up with any stupid excuse that you can to get rid of them. It’s been like this ever since I’ve known you.”
There were other people, and then there was Reita. Reita, who had been Miyavi’s friend for three years now. Reita, who had told Miyavi that he deserved someone who would treat him right. Reita, who had stuck with Miyavi through thick and thin - who had been by his side through everything.
Reita, who didn’t sugar-coat anything like Kai did. Reita had always been blunt; he had always been the type to speak his mind, and he had never been the type to care about what others thought about his opinions.
Miyavi has always found Reita’s personality to be very attractive. To be honest, he has always found all of Reita to be very attractive. He’s entertained ideas of asking Reita to be more than just friends with him, and he’s certain that Reita’s entertained those same ideas at some point or another. But he and Reita are friends - close friends - and Miyavi has a strict ‘just say no’ policy when it comes to dating friends. There’s always the chance, after all, that things won’t go as planned, and they’ll wind up ruining the perfect friendship that they already have.
And even with that knowledge hanging over his head, it still doesn’t stop Miyavi from wondering, ‘what if?’ This is one situation, however, in which Miyavi’s curiosity will not get the best of him. No matter what he feels for Reita, it’s too dangerous to attempt anything more than the friendship. He doesn’t want to risk losing Reita over a failed relationship - and if they entered into a relationship, it more than likely would fail, just like all they others.
“… You have a good point,” Miyavi finally answers as he smiles at his companion. “But I think you’ve forgotten something, Rei-kun. I don’t become friends with people and then try to be in a relationship with them. You already know how I feel about that. It ruins the friendship.”
Reita gazes at him from across the table, and Miyavi almost wants to sink to the floor and hide underneath the table like a little child (lunch be damned), simply because he doesn’t like being the object of such scrutiny.
“How do you know that?” Reita asks as he sets his fork aside, apparently deciding to ignore his spaghetti in favor of asking Miyavi ten thousand questions, all of which Miyavi probably will not want to answer. “Have you been in a relationship with one of your friends at some point, and the relationship turned sour, so you swore off dating friends?”
Nevermind the fact that Miyavi doesn’t exactly have a proper answer to Reita’s question. He doen’t know from experience that trying to date a friend will ruin everything… it's simply always been one of his beliefs. “No.” He sets his own fork on the table, averting his eyes and trying to ignore the growling of his stomach. “I just… it’s something I don’t want to risk, Rei-kun. Like…” He trails off, not quite certain that he should say what’s on his mind, because he is certain that if he does say it, he’ll be crossing a line of some sort.
Reita raises an eyebrow and settles further back against his chair. “Go ahead,” he says. “I’m listening.”
“… Like if you wanted to be in a relationship with me, or I wanted to be in a relationship with you. I’d tell myself that a few kisses and a few touches and the other things that go along with a relationship wouldn’t be worth it in the end if things went wrong and I lost you. I’d be losing a boyfriend as well as a friend.” Miyavi still won’t look directly at Reita - especially not now… not after what he’s just said. He can’t figure out why he’s so on edge about it; perhaps it’s because they have come very close to dancing on that line between ‘friends’ and ‘something more than friends’ in the past. Perhaps it’s because he feels like they’re heading for that line again, and he isn’t quite sure how to slam on the breaks and turn around. He isn’t sure how he can head back to safer territory, not after what he’s just blurted.
“What if I told you that you wouldn’t lose me?” Reita sounds very calm and collected, and Miyavi feels nowhere near calm or collected. He feels like something is unraveling and he wishes that he could stop it but again, he doesn’t know how. He never knows how to properly sound the retreat, not when it comes to Reita. Thankfully, Reita had always seemed to know when he was pushing too far, and had always backed off. And from that point, things had always returned to normal between them.
Miyavi has a feeling that that won’t be the case this time, however. He doesn’t know why - it’s just a feeling that he has. “You can’t make a promise like that, Reita,” Miyavi answers quietly. “You can’t tell me that if we try to be more than friends, it’ll work. And you can’t tell me that you’ll stick around if it doesn’t work, because you don’t know.”
Reita pushes his chair away from the table and stands up, briskly stepping to Miyavi’s side of the table, placing his fingers beneath Miyavi’s chin and tilting his head up, forcing Miyavi to look at him. “A relationship takes work, Miyavi. That’s something that you haven’t put into any of the relationships you’ve been in thus far. You keep saying that the people you wind up with aren’t right for you, and maybe that’s true. Thing is… you don’t ever give them a real chance. You don’t try, and that’s what a relationship takes.”
Miyavi silently curses Reita’s ability to ‘hit the nail on the head’ - as the saying goes - every single time. “But--”
“You know me,” Reita interrupts, and Miyavi thinks he’s imagining the almost desperate tone in his voice. “You know my heart, you know my soul, and I’m willing to try if you are. That’s all I’m asking of you… I’m asking you to try. And even if we wouldn’t work out as more than friends, I can promise you that I’ll still be your friend because that’s what we were first. That’s what we’ve always been.”
Reita leans down, and Miyavi knows that Reita is going to kiss him. Miyavi has always stopped him in the past when he’s tried to kiss him, but this time, Miyavi doesn’t try to stop him. Instead, he closes his eyes, and when he feels Reita’s lips on his - warm and soft - he lets Reita kiss him. It’s probably a mistake on his part, but Reita’s lips feel good, and Miyavi wouldn’t mind if Reita deepened the kiss.
But Reita draws back instead, searching Miyavi’s eyes. “Well? What will it be, Miya-kun? Do you think it’s worth a shot, or are you just going to push me away again and continue to give complete strangers a better chance than you give me?”
Miyavi licks his lips unconsciously, now feeling almost ashamed. Reita is right, he knows. Miyavi has always welcomed almost-strangers with open arms, and he’s always pushed Reita away. Of course, he’d never been in a relationship for a lengthy period of time, but he’d given those people something akin to a chance, and he hadn’t given Reita even that much. “Rei-kun… we can’t. I don’t want to hurt you. I don’t want to lose you.”
Looking crestfallen, Reita backs away, putting some space between them. “In case you didn’t know, I can take care of myself just fine, Miyavi.” Anger is beginning to creep into his voice, and it sets Miyavi even further on edge. “You know what? You’re afraid.”
“I am afraid,” Miyavi agrees, trying to speak calmly and reduce the tension between them. His voice wavers, but that doesn’t stop him. “You already know that I’m afraid of losing you, even though you’ve told me that I won’t. I care too much about you to--”
“That isn’t what you’re afraid of!” Reita yells, and Miyavi cringes, knowing that he’s only managed to make things worse. “You’re not afraid of hurting me, and you’re not even afraid of losing me. What you’re afraid of is us. You’re afraid of letting yourself love me! You’re not afraid of the idea of us falling apart - you’re afraid of the idea of us working out and actually having a proper relationship!”
The words hit Miyavi like a slap in the face, and they hurt. Not because they’re a lie, but because they’re the truth. That revelation in itself is terrifying enough, and Miyavi has absolutely no idea how to respond. “Reita…” He trails off again, shaking his head.
Reita’s eyes narrow and then he closes them, taking a few deep breaths before reopening them. “You know what? Forget it, Miyavi. Just forget this conversation took place, okay? We’ll be back to ‘normal’ within the next few days. This is how it goes for us, isn’t it? This is normal for us. I try, and you push me away. I’m sick and tired of it, but I care about you too much to just give up.” He sighs, sounding incredibly tired. “Just… Sorry about this, but I’m going to go home now. I’ll talk to you later.”
Reita leaves the kitchen then, and Miyavi listens as he exits the apartment, all but slamming the door behind him. Reita’s spaghetti is untouched. Miyavi will put it in the refrigerator; maybe Reita will come back and want it later. At least, that’s what he hopes.
Funnily enough, he feels like he’s losing Reita already - or, at least, he feels like he’s losing something. And he loses a little more each time he pushes Reita away. That scares him, too. He feels the sting of tears in his eyes but he blinks them back, determined not to cry over something that will be forgotten in a matter of days, anyway. Like Reita had said, everything will be back to ‘normal’ in a few days. Like always, within a matter of days or weeks (or maybe even months), Miyavi will probably find someone else that he thinks will be good for him, and then dump them for the stupidest reason he can possibly think of. And, like always, Reita will still be there through it all.
Reita had always been there for him.
Making a face at his own spaghetti, Miyavi pushes his plate aside and rests his forehead on the table. Suddenly, he’s not hungry anymore.
~*~
That night, Miyavi works up the nerve to call Reita, though his hands are shaking as he opens his cell phone and finds Reita’s number in his contacts, and then presses the ‘send’ button.
Reita answers on the third ring, though he doesn’t sound anywhere near as cheerful as he typically does when Miyavi calls him. “What’cha want?” is the first thing Miyavi hears him say; no ‘hello’, no ‘how are you?”… but then again, Miyavi figures that he should have expected Reita to react in that way - he is probably still upset, after all.
“You left your spaghetti,” Miyavi states simply, and his voice is shaking almost as badly as his hands.
“… What?” Reita takes on a bit of an irate tone, and Miyavi can’t say that he blames him for that, either. “Miyavi, is that why you called me? Is that the only reason why you called me?”
Miyavi doesn’t answer Reita’s questions. Instead, he asks one of his own: “Aren’t you going to come back and get it?”
There is a brief silence before Reita answers. “You know, I appreciate the fact that you made me the spaghetti and everything, but the spaghetti is the last thing on my mind right now. We’re working on a new single, and on top of that, I need a little time to kinda get over what happened this afternoon, and--”
“Please,” Miyavi says, his voice barely above a whisper. Please, just come back for a little while. I’ve been an idiot, Rei-chan.
Reita heaves a heavy sigh, but finally concedes. “Alright, alright, Miyavi. I’ll drop by there, but I can’t stay long, okay? I’m guessing that this isn’t completely about the spaghetti. You sound… you don’t sound like yourself.”
And Miyavi doesn’t sound like himself. He sounds terrified, and that emotion is one that is very rarely revealed in his voice. “It’s not, and I don’t,” he agrees. “And… I won’t keep you long.”
“Then I’ll see you in a few minutes.”
Reita ends the call before Miyavi has the chance to reply, and Miyavi closes his phone, trying to stop trembling. His stomach is in knots and he’s pretty sure that when he tries to tell Reita what he wants to tell him (what he’s been thinking about all day and even before then), his tongue will tie in knots as well. Or worse, he’ll lose his words completely.
But he is determined to try. For once, he truly wants to try.
~*~
When Reita arrives, Miyavi lets him in without breathing a word, but as soon as he shuts the door, he turns to Reita and blurts, “I’m not easy to be with.”
Reita raises his eyebrow, but otherwise gives the impression that that particular bit of information is old news to him. “And I’m not easy to get rid of,” he replies.
Miyavi steps closer to Reita, close enough to touch, but he doesn’t attempt to touch him - not yet, at least. “You’re right,” he says, though he knows that Reita knows it already. “I am afraid of something between us working out. I’m afraid of giving myself to you. But at the same time, I’m afraid things will change later on… I’m afraid that you’ll wind up not wanting me anymore and that will be it, and things will be irreparable between us and I’ll lose you. You tell me that I won’t, and that something like that won’t happen, but how do you know that?”
One corner of Reita’s mouth lifts in a small smirk. “First off, you’re the one with the reputation of dumping people rather quickly,” he replies. The tone of his voice is teasing, but they both know that he speaks the truth. “Secondly, I know, because I love you. You’ve rejected me before, and I’m still here, aren’t I?”
“Yes.” Miyavi wants to say more, but it’s difficult to force words past the lump of emotion that has suddenly formed in his throat.
“You don’t have to be afraid,” Reita says soothingly, and all the traces of anger and sadness that Miyavi had heard in his voice earlier when they were on the phone have vanished. “Not of me, Miya-chan.”
Miyavi has to try twice before he can speak again. “I want to try. I won’t push you away this time… I know it won’t necessarily be easy, but just let me try…” Miyavi’s voice is a little steadier than his legs, but not by much.
Reita doesn’t answer with words. He closes the distance between them, sliding his arms around Miyavi - Reita is shaking, too - and kissing him for the second time that day. And for the second time that day, Miyavi kisses him back, sighing almost blissfully at the feel of Reita’s lips moving against his own.
Miyavi isn’t sad to abolish his previous ‘just say no’ policy; in fact, he is quite happy to see it go. Only for Reita would he do something like this.
When Reita’s tongue darts out and licks along his bottom lip, pausing to play with Miyavi’s piercing, Miyavi gasps, giving Reita just the opportunity he had apparently been looking for.
Reita’s tongue slips past pliant lips, thoroughly exploring Miyavi’s mouth, brushing against Miyavi’s own tongue and sending a shiver down his spine. Reita kisses him like he’s been waiting a very long time for the chance to do so - and Miyavi figures that he probably has. Reita kisses him as though they have all the time in the world, but there’s a hint of fervor in the kiss as well - perhaps a promise for later.
When Reita pulls away, he is smiling, and Miyavi believes that he has never looked more attractive. “Why don’t we warm that spaghetti up?” Reita asks. “We can have it for dinner. I haven’t eaten yet. And then… well, we’ll see.” Mischief dances in his eyes, and Miyavi can’t help but return his smile, holding onto him a little tighter. It feels incredibly good to have his arms around Reita like this.
“Oh? But you can’t stay long, remember?” Miyavi reminds him teasingly.
“Changed my mind,” Reita replies, nuzzling at Miyavi’s neck and placing a kiss there. His next words are muffled, but Miyavi hears them nonetheless. “That’s okay, isn’t it?”
“Mm,” Miyavi agrees, closing his eyes, a smile still lingering on his lips.
After all, change can be a good thing, instead of something to fear.
A very good thing, indeed.
If I move in any closer
If you let go and give yourself away
And if we let this happen to us
Everything will change.
~END~