(no subject)
So I'm lazy. Scratch that, I'm unmotivated. I'm dedicated and responsible when others ask me to do something, but when it comes to self-propulsion, I tend to peter out pretty quickly once the going gets rough. Take for example: playing the guitar, skateboarding, exercise (running, lifting weights, stretching), vegetarianism, maybe computer science (which I also just couldn't see myself doing for the rest of my life), and any number of hobbies outside of those. I've decided to run a D&D game, and by God I will do this despite my anxiety and fears of failure. I'm wanting to go back to school -- law school. In my current mindset, I will fail, though I'd love to see myself succeed (duh).
How does one get motivated? In a world of instant gratification, how does one who's never really worked hard for anything in his life, suddenly start grinding out the blood, sweat, and tears? Find something you love? I found myself so excited when I rediscovered role-playing. I just started making character after character, trying to find new and interesting background stories for all of them, and decided that since I couldn't play all of these characters (my source of dungeonmasters being quite limited), I would funnel this creative energy into creating my own world, my own campaign. I have good ideas, a runnable storyline, and no dearth of players (as soon as I mentioned running my friend's dormant dorkiness surfaced). My problem is in the connections between the ideas, what to do to engage the players and sustain their attention between plot ideas. A lot should be left to the players (no one likes to be led by the nose) but just how much is difficult for me to figure out having never run and feeling severely pessimistic about my capability to do so.
I consider myself an intelligent guy, though less so than I did in grade school. Meeting people like Sam and Sarah cut my ego down to a manageable size. I unconsciously decided at that point that since I wouldn't be the smartest, it wasn't worth trying to appear to be. I skated along through middle and high school never challenging myself (as I had not needed to in elementary school) and found I could get As and Bs (in equal amounts) without trying. This carried along into college, and, though I did find myself busting my ass for As (and getting at least one C) in computer science, I never felt any real connection to it. I was proud of the As I got that I had to put time into, but like I said before, I didn't want to do it for the rest of my life. I switched to philosophy, and though I loved the discussion, the argument, the training in distinctions, and the search for truth, being in a philosophy program at an engineering school undercut my achievements and pride in my degree. I feel like I have yet to reach my full potential, and lack the motivation to really send me over the edge.
All that said, I've actually thought about joining the military, in hopes of harnessing the discipline I'm taught and creating some much needed motivation to achieve. Now, I'm not going to join the military when I'm assured that I will go to war against a foe I am only creating more of. Even joining the military seems like the easy way out in some twisted way. It's putting myself in a situation where other people force me to be disciplined, motivated, not getting motivated myself. Maybe that's the only way I'll learn.
Though I think I've said this before, I'll say it again. I envy Will's passion for ultimate frisbee despite his constant caveats that he's nowhere near the best. I envy Steve's focus and drive towards self and social betterment. Peter's passion and creativity in his music and art. Victoria's compassion for those disenfranchised (be they minorities, homeless, or animals), and strong drive to better their situation. I feel I'm a windbag, and until I just typed that, I didn't know just how much that fit. I'm like a balloon in that whenever I find a cause, I puff up and spout off about it until I've exhausted every bit of wind I have on it, and then there I lie, limp and inactive until some other cause puffs me up and sends me spouting again.
I find myself in a job that helps people, but does not challenge me. I have never been one for teaching myself (see above) but when taught I catch on quickly. I think I need a challenge, though I don't know that I'll find one myself that I'll stick to. Law school will challenge me, no doubt, though with some of the lawyers I've seen, I wonder how much. However, to get into one that I'll be proud of will take work, showing leadership ability. It'll take studying the methods of the LSAT for a good score, because taking it more than once is not the same as taking the SATs more than once. You don't get to pick your best score. Thus, even getting in will take motivation.
Hmph. Now, at least, people will know what's going on with Newt, eh? Same ol', same ol'.
How does one get motivated? In a world of instant gratification, how does one who's never really worked hard for anything in his life, suddenly start grinding out the blood, sweat, and tears? Find something you love? I found myself so excited when I rediscovered role-playing. I just started making character after character, trying to find new and interesting background stories for all of them, and decided that since I couldn't play all of these characters (my source of dungeonmasters being quite limited), I would funnel this creative energy into creating my own world, my own campaign. I have good ideas, a runnable storyline, and no dearth of players (as soon as I mentioned running my friend's dormant dorkiness surfaced). My problem is in the connections between the ideas, what to do to engage the players and sustain their attention between plot ideas. A lot should be left to the players (no one likes to be led by the nose) but just how much is difficult for me to figure out having never run and feeling severely pessimistic about my capability to do so.
I consider myself an intelligent guy, though less so than I did in grade school. Meeting people like Sam and Sarah cut my ego down to a manageable size. I unconsciously decided at that point that since I wouldn't be the smartest, it wasn't worth trying to appear to be. I skated along through middle and high school never challenging myself (as I had not needed to in elementary school) and found I could get As and Bs (in equal amounts) without trying. This carried along into college, and, though I did find myself busting my ass for As (and getting at least one C) in computer science, I never felt any real connection to it. I was proud of the As I got that I had to put time into, but like I said before, I didn't want to do it for the rest of my life. I switched to philosophy, and though I loved the discussion, the argument, the training in distinctions, and the search for truth, being in a philosophy program at an engineering school undercut my achievements and pride in my degree. I feel like I have yet to reach my full potential, and lack the motivation to really send me over the edge.
All that said, I've actually thought about joining the military, in hopes of harnessing the discipline I'm taught and creating some much needed motivation to achieve. Now, I'm not going to join the military when I'm assured that I will go to war against a foe I am only creating more of. Even joining the military seems like the easy way out in some twisted way. It's putting myself in a situation where other people force me to be disciplined, motivated, not getting motivated myself. Maybe that's the only way I'll learn.
Though I think I've said this before, I'll say it again. I envy Will's passion for ultimate frisbee despite his constant caveats that he's nowhere near the best. I envy Steve's focus and drive towards self and social betterment. Peter's passion and creativity in his music and art. Victoria's compassion for those disenfranchised (be they minorities, homeless, or animals), and strong drive to better their situation. I feel I'm a windbag, and until I just typed that, I didn't know just how much that fit. I'm like a balloon in that whenever I find a cause, I puff up and spout off about it until I've exhausted every bit of wind I have on it, and then there I lie, limp and inactive until some other cause puffs me up and sends me spouting again.
I find myself in a job that helps people, but does not challenge me. I have never been one for teaching myself (see above) but when taught I catch on quickly. I think I need a challenge, though I don't know that I'll find one myself that I'll stick to. Law school will challenge me, no doubt, though with some of the lawyers I've seen, I wonder how much. However, to get into one that I'll be proud of will take work, showing leadership ability. It'll take studying the methods of the LSAT for a good score, because taking it more than once is not the same as taking the SATs more than once. You don't get to pick your best score. Thus, even getting in will take motivation.
Hmph. Now, at least, people will know what's going on with Newt, eh? Same ol', same ol'.