(no subject)
Dear mom, dad, every parent,
You know I love you and respect you guys but sometimes it just becomes too much and you take it too far and one day I'm not going to "respect" you the same way anymore. One day I'm either going to speak up, run out, or lay dead because I can't take the prison you've put me in. You've put me in self-isolation and sometimes I feel like the only person I have is myself, and somewhere inside me knows that isn't true, and yet somewhere inside of me I know it is. You're suppose to be the people I trust, yet I can't even talk to you and when I try I just get hurt. What kind of lesson does that teach me? It teaches me to never speak up. It taught me to stay distant, from you and from everyone else.
It may be vain to say, but you're lucky I am the way I am and that I don't go around doing drugs and drinking because God knows I've been close to starting. Partly to hurt you guys, but mostly because sometimes numbing myself just doesn't work.
And you're always saying how you don't know the "real" me - the me outside of the house. Well, now, I don't know either. I don't know if I'm happy or sad. If I'm ok with my life, or just learned to accept it. Because I know I'm lucky to have everything I'm given, but then I think of all the things that's been taken away from me: my self-worth, a good self-esteem, Confidence, feeling good about myself, feeling beautiful. Things that you guys have taken from me.
The real me loves to laugh. I got my laugh from you dad, loud and appreciative. Because laughing is the best feeling in the world, although you guys think I'm incapable of laughing and smiling. Do you ever wonder WHY I never laugh and smile at home? Even a slight slip of emotion feels too vulnerable here. I'm not human here - I'm just a machine that produce grades, a machine that's to be upgraded later to produce money.
All you guys have ever worried about are my grades and if my room is clean. What about me? Does it even matter if I'm unhappy? I don't know anymore. I hate how you guys trained me to depend on money, to crave it, to want it.
You have to realize I'm not you. Maybe that's a good thing. I'm not an alcoholic nor will I ever take my piece of glass to hurt someone. And I don't even know what to say even though I've practice this so many times before, it's so hard to make it solid.
Sort of like a suicide note.
Sometimes I blame you for the times I've hurt myself because I've always felt like everything was my fault and that I should punish myself. And there's been times I've thought of just ending it all, but I doubt I'll ever take that step, seeing how you've made me too weak for that. Sometimes you're what saves me. Because i can't imagine having one of you find me and hurting you like that, even though you've hurt me worst.. I know life isn't about who can hurt who the most. Sometimes I don't care if you guys find me there because sometimes I just don't care anymore. About you. About my friends. About myself. And yet, I know that's not true.
Sometimes I wonder if you'd rather have a failure or no daughter at all.
You know I love you and respect you guys but sometimes it just becomes too much and you take it too far and one day I'm not going to "respect" you the same way anymore. One day I'm either going to speak up, run out, or lay dead because I can't take the prison you've put me in. You've put me in self-isolation and sometimes I feel like the only person I have is myself, and somewhere inside me knows that isn't true, and yet somewhere inside of me I know it is. You're suppose to be the people I trust, yet I can't even talk to you and when I try I just get hurt. What kind of lesson does that teach me? It teaches me to never speak up. It taught me to stay distant, from you and from everyone else.
It may be vain to say, but you're lucky I am the way I am and that I don't go around doing drugs and drinking because God knows I've been close to starting. Partly to hurt you guys, but mostly because sometimes numbing myself just doesn't work.
And you're always saying how you don't know the "real" me - the me outside of the house. Well, now, I don't know either. I don't know if I'm happy or sad. If I'm ok with my life, or just learned to accept it. Because I know I'm lucky to have everything I'm given, but then I think of all the things that's been taken away from me: my self-worth, a good self-esteem, Confidence, feeling good about myself, feeling beautiful. Things that you guys have taken from me.
The real me loves to laugh. I got my laugh from you dad, loud and appreciative. Because laughing is the best feeling in the world, although you guys think I'm incapable of laughing and smiling. Do you ever wonder WHY I never laugh and smile at home? Even a slight slip of emotion feels too vulnerable here. I'm not human here - I'm just a machine that produce grades, a machine that's to be upgraded later to produce money.
All you guys have ever worried about are my grades and if my room is clean. What about me? Does it even matter if I'm unhappy? I don't know anymore. I hate how you guys trained me to depend on money, to crave it, to want it.
You have to realize I'm not you. Maybe that's a good thing. I'm not an alcoholic nor will I ever take my piece of glass to hurt someone. And I don't even know what to say even though I've practice this so many times before, it's so hard to make it solid.
Sort of like a suicide note.
Sometimes I blame you for the times I've hurt myself because I've always felt like everything was my fault and that I should punish myself. And there's been times I've thought of just ending it all, but I doubt I'll ever take that step, seeing how you've made me too weak for that. Sometimes you're what saves me. Because i can't imagine having one of you find me and hurting you like that, even though you've hurt me worst.. I know life isn't about who can hurt who the most. Sometimes I don't care if you guys find me there because sometimes I just don't care anymore. About you. About my friends. About myself. And yet, I know that's not true.
Sometimes I wonder if you'd rather have a failure or no daughter at all.