I wish I could be...
Yes we have another live journal entry. I know this is a place that no one actually reads unless I say “hey Erica read this” because hey I think you are the only person I will actually tell to read it. Well I have gone to the point in my life where I am going to revert to my old ways. I’m going to start distancing myself from kids. I used to sit there and literally think to myself over and over again “why in the word would I want a baby? They smell, they throw up everywhere, do you really want to change a diaper?” I have to tell myself this over and over again or else I will just sit there and cry… I just want to have babies so badly and it isn’t happening. It’s actually a lot harder than I thought that it would be. Every single time I hear that someone is going to have a honeymoon baby I cry. There is nothing I can do about it. I might be happy for them and excited for them but I cry… for a good ten minutes and then I’m not normal for the rest of the day. I hate it I seriously do. Call it envy. I don’t want everyone to have the problems that I’m having, heavens I don’t want anyone to feel the pain that I’m feeling… its hard to explain to people until they go through what I am going through. It never matters who it is, “I’m pregnant with the third baby in three years!” I get so mad at who ever I see people ungrateful for their children and get annoyed when they do get pregnant. I’m probably not going to have a baby in my arms until close to 2010 if everything works out quickly… so if I cry when I hear about honeymoon babies don’t look at me like I’m evil… its just my heart rips a little bit more