I hate
I hate it when i think i'm pregnant but i'm not. i show signs and i'm overtwo months late but i'm not. i hate it when i let my guard down and finally let myself hope a little hope and then i break down and take a pregnancy test and it tells me i'm barren once agin. i let myself hope this time. i let myself pray that there was a child in me this time... and this time it hurts more than i can say. its a stabb in the heart. i hate it. i hate it more than anything. and i cant let ryan see me cry over it because even though he wants a baby he doesnt want one now. he was happy over the results today and i just wanted to throw up and cry and freak out but i couldnt. its deep in me to want a baby. i never wanted anything more in my life. and the one thing i cry for, i ache for is always slipping from my fingers and never there for me to truly grasp. i hate myself for hoping, i hate my body for not letting a child stay there, and i hate that i want this so much at 21. it took my mom five years to get pregnant and there was nothing wrong with her, why not take more time with me because i think something is wrong...