Back from Greece
Well greece was amazing. Came back to hell. Problems over problems. thngs not going the way i want to. Depression comming back to me. I am trying to control it this time like i have done before. but its just so hard with these situations that im knee deep in. Im hurting cuz in all of the situations i dont see any way around the problem, only more pain for me to endure. The past 2 dayz ive woken only to have this feeling in the pit of my gut that today will not be a good day, today i will suffer and things will lead me to depression. Well today is the second day, i woke again wiht that feeling and i hope against all hope that im wrong, but i rarely am. yesterday, i thought that just cuz i had the feeling didnt mean things would go wrong. but things didnt need to go wrong, they always had been wrong. I dont wanna show any1 my pain, for the past several months ive tried to contain it for the most part, but its so hard to. I know they say whatever doesnt kill u makes u stronger; but it IS killing me. all the situations that im in that stab at my heart, they bring me to snap out of anger, or make my heart bleed crymson for the sarrow of what i myself cant control. I wonder if any1 would really care to be honest. for a day or 2. that at most. We miss some1 only at first when they are gone, only at first cuz thats when u remember there pressence most, but after they are gone for long we 4get them cuz we chose not to return to the good memories for it may sadden us so we run with our faces away from that person and the past. All our lives we will look to the past for our mistakes and things we regret, but rarely do good things come creaping back into our minds as regrets do. Within a week u may think of a few memories of ur past that u enjoyed, but u will think of twice or 3 times as many regrets or bad times.
I wanna live life for what it is. If i find a tree high and tall filled with the sweetest fruits in the world i will stay and enjoy it. I will savor all the fruits for i am here only once. As i write this i have lost some of my life. that part of me is nomore. Y not taste all the fruits some may say. Y not walk around and see what other things u can eat and how they taste? easy, for all i really want is to be content. if this fruit for this moment fills me and pleases me then y should i search for another that may taste better or who knows? y should i work for a what if that may never be if i have this tree here that fills me with what i need for now?
In life i believe we should all live to be content and happy. Y should we always struggle for the better if we found the good? there is never any perfection. there is only what seems best at the time. I am a dreamer. i love to ponder and at times hunt for the perfection and best of it all. but i am not one to leave behind what already is good for me. In life we have our own choices. We are givin this life to live it to our liking, not for it to be controled by others. So do not try to control me for i am not U. i am not the eraser for the mistakes uve made. i will not change what has happened to u. My life through my eyes is diff then through urs so do not judge me for i am not u. i am an individual. we all are. so do not pretend you know whats best for me and u know me when u arent even in the same field as me. No one can fully understand me for i dont even understand myself. some may get real close to it though, but not u for ur not even close to my frequency. So just stop trying. you are closed minded and deaf to all but ur own voice. just let me live my own life, for i only live it once and i want to be able to make my own choices.
Y do i even want it anymore? its not worth it. in a far away island i realized what i really wanted. i realized what i needed and that i couldnt stray from it. Upon my return i wanted to persue it. and i tried... only to hit a wall. a wall that i can never break down or penetrate. its hopeless. to have the want and realize it but not be able to do anything with it for the oppertunity doesnt come for u. it does not accept u.
i could prob write 4ever but... w/e ill let out lil by lil form time to time. i jsut hope i can be strong enough. usualy i have problems from one side of my life, but not from 2 sides. but i have to be strong, if i dont i will only lose time and lose part of my life. I WILL make things right. i have to.
I wanna live life for what it is. If i find a tree high and tall filled with the sweetest fruits in the world i will stay and enjoy it. I will savor all the fruits for i am here only once. As i write this i have lost some of my life. that part of me is nomore. Y not taste all the fruits some may say. Y not walk around and see what other things u can eat and how they taste? easy, for all i really want is to be content. if this fruit for this moment fills me and pleases me then y should i search for another that may taste better or who knows? y should i work for a what if that may never be if i have this tree here that fills me with what i need for now?
In life i believe we should all live to be content and happy. Y should we always struggle for the better if we found the good? there is never any perfection. there is only what seems best at the time. I am a dreamer. i love to ponder and at times hunt for the perfection and best of it all. but i am not one to leave behind what already is good for me. In life we have our own choices. We are givin this life to live it to our liking, not for it to be controled by others. So do not try to control me for i am not U. i am not the eraser for the mistakes uve made. i will not change what has happened to u. My life through my eyes is diff then through urs so do not judge me for i am not u. i am an individual. we all are. so do not pretend you know whats best for me and u know me when u arent even in the same field as me. No one can fully understand me for i dont even understand myself. some may get real close to it though, but not u for ur not even close to my frequency. So just stop trying. you are closed minded and deaf to all but ur own voice. just let me live my own life, for i only live it once and i want to be able to make my own choices.
Y do i even want it anymore? its not worth it. in a far away island i realized what i really wanted. i realized what i needed and that i couldnt stray from it. Upon my return i wanted to persue it. and i tried... only to hit a wall. a wall that i can never break down or penetrate. its hopeless. to have the want and realize it but not be able to do anything with it for the oppertunity doesnt come for u. it does not accept u.
i could prob write 4ever but... w/e ill let out lil by lil form time to time. i jsut hope i can be strong enough. usualy i have problems from one side of my life, but not from 2 sides. but i have to be strong, if i dont i will only lose time and lose part of my life. I WILL make things right. i have to.