Jul 24, 2005 17:49
could be a song on the radio, could be that feeling from long ago, could be that accidental photo I find when I'm lookin' for somethin' else....
never a day goes by without something stopping me hard in my tracks..i could be happy and i'll never know it til never a day comes back
...never a day goes by without something stopping me hard in my tracks..i could be happy and i'll never know it
so i just got done watching serendipity.. yes i know that movie's pretty far-fetched and probably could never happen in a million years..i mean, well maybe it could
maybe ive just poisoned my mind with all of these hopelessly romantic movies and books and wouldn't see the real thing if it hit me smack dab in the face..what's the real thing anyway, you know? so awhile back, maybe a few weeks ago, i was constantly thinking about this. and i know that it really doesnt matter right now anyway because im young and going to college and have things to do before i "fall in love" (but i guess you dont get to choose when that happens.. if there really is such a thing, and if there is, whether or not it happens to me) but i've always worried about this. since like freaking eighth grade, haha. i guess that is what happens when your parents "met in sixth grade sunday school class and dated throughout high school and college with occasional break-ups in which they saw a few other ppl but no one ever quite measured up to the other..and have been married for nearly 25 years and are still completely happy". and no im not complaining..i know that that is VERY rare and i feel very lucky to have had such a good family life... but it does hold your expectation level extremely high. so the other night when i was discussing all of this with my parents i asked them if they were actually really happy..well, whatever that means. like maybe they're faking something, and i really missed something really significant along the way, or something, or i dont even know, because i guess i dont even know what i want to know, because i dont have any idea. dontcha hate it when you feel like that? well anyway, they said yes.. that sometimes it was hard, and its not always perfectly easy..but yes they ARE actually really happy. (and i guess that makes sense because the only time i've EVER heard them fight was when my dad forgets to fill out his expense reports..and the last time that happened was probably 3 years ago. and the only time i've only seen either of them really upset with one another was that time. never after, never before. and im around them a lot..so its not like im missing something) (..but isnt fighting sometimes healthy? but i guess thats only when things are being kept inside..what if you really dont have anything to fight about? is that relationship missing something, or is it two people who just really get along well?) okay so back on track.. a couple of days later i talked to my mom about it alone. i asked her how she knew..because she always tells me, "michelle, you're just going to know", so in my mind im like, when she was walking down denison high school hallway alongside my dad who was carrying her books, did she know? "no, no, not really, we just, got along". okay. so im like "well what about doubts? did you ever doubt that dad wasn't 'the one' for you?" "well, yeah" "well how did you know then?" "it just happens" okay. so it just happens. but a lot of times people think that "it" has happened to them, or so they say..maybe they know deep down it's not "the real thing" and maybe they just dont have the guts to back out and find someone that can be "it" for them....or maybe even the ppl like my mom and dad who have "the real thing" still have little tiny doubts inside of them but just excuse them to the human mind working in overdrive thinking too much, over-analyzing too much...but how much analyzing is over-analyzing? how much do you settle for? how much do you inquire for? (and i know i think too much..maybe it's just a personality trait..i'll never find "true love" because i doubt things too much.) my thoughts were echoed by my friend's thoughts..."i think im too fussy and have doubts that ill ever meet anyone just right"...he also said "loves a funny thing. if im being honest with you, my dream of eternal, happy love died a long time ago and it's not a nice feeling." i, personally, dont think i ever want to have that "not-so-nice" feeling. i dont ever want to have to settle for that feeling, just because i never found that "eternal, happy love". but when i find myself thinking, you know, maybe there isnt such a thing, i think of my parents. and i believe in what they have, i really do, especially after talking to both of them about it. so i guess that means i believe it's out there. maybe i just doubt it happening to me.
so back to my talk with my mom. i asked her if it was always so easy for her and dad. she said "we fought back when we were younger a lot more..getting along depends a lot on maturity. it got easier as the marriage went on...but we still never really fought that much. we just happened to get along really well, and we always seemed to get back together after we'd break up. our personalities mesh well" (i dont really remember exact words..but that was the jist of her answer) she said dad was always polite, never raised his voice at her, wasn't selfish... she said you just have to look for those things. dont let those qualities go unnoticed. but at the same time, if a guy is not showing you those qualities, dont be unbothered by that, dont hope that he will change..because chances are, he won't. "so anyway, michelle, you don't worry about these things, don't look for it, because then you won't find it..go to college, meet people, have fun, it will happen."
so that's what i'm gonna do. emily and i talked about dating and all that shiznit last night. we're going to live life in college and not get dragged down by silly boyfriend obsessions. unless it's the "real thing". so how do you know what that is again? haha. so obviously this journal entry has gone no where. not even a full circle. just many tangent lines leading off to...? just some thoughts shot out of this confused head of mine.