I don't want to start a whole big debate about this, but just because I don't hold a traditional "job" doesn't mean I don't work. I write out all the bills, I do all the cleaning, I do the laundry. I make all the meals; I pack lunches, brew coffee, shovel snow, clean off his car and start it on the mornings it snows. I take out the trash, change sheets, etc.etc. I have figured out how to feed a family of 5 on a budget of $60/week. And I fix real meals with sides and dessert and everything. And I care for our three children at home, saving us the expense of daycare for the younger two and aftercare for the oldest. I do all of our charity commitments as well. Doing all of these things frees up my husband to concentrate more fully on his job... and he's been promoted 4 times in 3 years. He and I both feel that what I do here ("not working", as you say) has allowed him to advance and I am helping him earn the extra money.
But by your logic, I guess I shouldn't buy him anything at all to show him how much I appreciate all of his hard work and dedication to us.... ?
Look, I'm not debating that staying home with kids is a job. I have a five year old, and my husband stays with him during the day while I work. I know how much work goes into taking care of a household.
IN MY OPINION however, I don't really understand how you're buying your husband a gift when it's his money being spent to do so. It just seems an odd concept to me. When I have been the only one working (and there was a long period of time where that was so), I would have been upset if my husband had taken money out of the account to do that.
Well, *our* opinion (mine and my husband's) is that I DO earn money. I help him earn the money that is "his" even if my name is not on the paycheck, thus making it "ours".
Also, I remember growing up that my parents would give me money (the same as I do to my children now) to buy gifts for certain people. It is no less a gift from them because the money came from someone else. It is the thought and the meaning behind the gift, IMO.
As valid as you think your opinion is, please don't forget that mine is just as valid.
I'm not talking about gifts given to other people. I'm saying that for ME I wouldn't want my husband to give me gifts paid with by money I earned. If anything, I would much rather him shower me with gestures, dinner, something he's made, etc than to buy me a gift I have essentially paid for. I'm not saying you're wrong, nor am I implying that you don't "earn" the money your husband gives you. I'm just saying that's not how we do things.
My husband works, we have two incomes. But for the times he hasn't worked, of course the money for groceries comes mostly from my job. However, like I stated in my original comment, things like groceries, rent, mortgage, bills, car payments, gas etc aren't factoring into what I'm talking about. My comment was solely based on gifts (christmas,birthday, etc). You and I have very different ideas about money and what we think is appropriate, and what we think is equal. So be it. I'm not commenting anymore about it.
The way my husband feels about it, and I agree with him obviously, is that since I am the only one bringing in an income, it only makes sense for him to do the stuff around the house that I don't have time for since I'm at work. Not that those things are lesser, but if we were both working during the day, equal amounts, we would both be responsible for cooking, cleaning, cat litter, etc. Since that's not the case, why wouldn't be do those things when I'm at work?
When it comes to the house, it would be something that was split up equally if we were both working. You are right, that's not the case, so it does make sense that I do those things. But that DOES do something for him...he doesn't have to do it. The only other way for him to COMPLETELY get out of housework is to hire a maid...that would be billed.
When it comes to the kids, if we were both working all day, we would have to pay for childcare...another bill. I do not work because we do NOT want our children in daycare. I am here with them all day every day, taking care of them and taking care of our home. That IS a job in itself. That is worth something and my husband agrees with that.
I suppose if I didn't work and didn't go to school and didn't have children, I might have a different opinion about my worth and what I have "earned". But I have kids and a HUGE responsibility in my home. If I wasn't here doing what I do, he couldn't be out there doing what he does. We are a team, we work together and we SHARE the money. It's not his or mine -- it's ours. I don't feel like I am spending his money when I buy him a gift and I wouldn't feel that way if it were the other way around...
And what's most important about this arrangement (at least for us, and it appears for you as well) is that both my husband and I feel this way - he values everything that I do for US and believes wholeheartedly that it's OUR money. I guess in the end it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks about it.
My husband has a similar view. I don't go out of the home to work, but I "earn" money by caring for the children and doing household chores. It's not just his money, it's our money because it takes some type of work from both of us to make the household function in this manner.
This is the way my parents operate (and my fiance and I to a point also), just because my mom didn't have a job for over a decade doesn't mean that she was a bump on a log, she takes care of all the finances, budgeting, taxes, keeping the paperwork in order, maintains a house, keeps up his schedule... it's not like she's just sleeping all day and eating bonbons on the couch while watching dr phil...
though I will admit there are days that happens ;) my fiance is the same way, sometimes he just spends the day playing Ultimate Alliance or something instead of actually contributing.
But by your logic, I guess I shouldn't buy him anything at all to show him how much I appreciate all of his hard work and dedication to us.... ?
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IN MY OPINION however, I don't really understand how you're buying your husband a gift when it's his money being spent to do so. It just seems an odd concept to me. When I have been the only one working (and there was a long period of time where that was so), I would have been upset if my husband had taken money out of the account to do that.
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Also, I remember growing up that my parents would give me money (the same as I do to my children now) to buy gifts for certain people. It is no less a gift from them because the money came from someone else. It is the thought and the meaning behind the gift, IMO.
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I'm not talking about gifts given to other people. I'm saying that for ME I wouldn't want my husband to give me gifts paid with by money I earned. If anything, I would much rather him shower me with gestures, dinner, something he's made, etc than to buy me a gift I have essentially paid for. I'm not saying you're wrong, nor am I implying that you don't "earn" the money your husband gives you. I'm just saying that's not how we do things.
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ANd..... showering you with dinners and gifts he's made... don't the things to do that come from the income you provide anyway?
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But I will say that if my husband ever held that opinion, I would slap his ass with a BILL for service so fast his head would spin...lol
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When it comes to the kids, if we were both working all day, we would have to pay for childcare...another bill. I do not work because we do NOT want our children in daycare. I am here with them all day every day, taking care of them and taking care of our home. That IS a job in itself. That is worth something and my husband agrees with that.
I suppose if I didn't work and didn't go to school and didn't have children, I might have a different opinion about my worth and what I have "earned". But I have kids and a HUGE responsibility in my home. If I wasn't here doing what I do, he couldn't be out there doing what he does. We are a team, we work together and we SHARE the money. It's not his or mine -- it's ours. I don't feel like I am spending his money when I buy him a gift and I wouldn't feel that way if it were the other way around...
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And what's most important about this arrangement (at least for us, and it appears for you as well) is that both my husband and I feel this way - he values everything that I do for US and believes wholeheartedly that it's OUR money. I guess in the end it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks about it.
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I am glad that I have a husband who is appreciative of what I do. He puts a LARGE value on me being here and raising our kids!
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though I will admit there are days that happens ;) my fiance is the same way, sometimes he just spends the day playing Ultimate Alliance or something instead of actually contributing.
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