this is how i vent
dear anybody who will listen,
things really aren't going so well
that must be why im back to writing in this piece of shit
i remember when this thing used to bring me so much joy.
one nice comment from a certain person could bring a smile to my face for hours.
i remember wondering...and hoping...just to find out what i wanted i could have.
i remember after that i was so cute.
i don't say things like that about myself but i wasn't myself at the time so i guess i can talk about me like that.
i was in bliss
couldn't think about anything else for the longest time.
couldn't eat or sleep.
everything lost their color and importance and i just felt so weak and afraid but at the same time so happy.
then my usual self came back to me.
pessimism took the place of bliss
for the first time in my life i got the closest feeling to happiness and i guess love, even though it wasn't.
that was just the closest ive ever come...pathetic
its too bad ive never been in love.
love is something i can't do.
love ruins everything all the time, but it also makes everything work.
i was thinking about it the other day actually.
i am such a hopeless romantic it's pathetic.
i think the point of life is not to get a good job and get good things or try and go to heaven or whatever, but life is about finding love, and what it is, and spreading it around to as many people as you can.
theres more than one kind of love. theres romantic love...the one i just can't find no matter how badly i want it and the closer i get to it i just get afraid and run away. and theres other love. like the love of family. learn to love yours then make you own and teach your children to love their family as you do. love of friends. love your friends and take care of them as if they were your family and they wilol do the same to you and learn to be a better person from you, even if you don't think they are. theres love of people. like just being nice to people, even strangers. helping people out even by doing the simplest things. little things can really make a huge difference. because if people just did one nice little thing per day than the world would be a much better place. love of talents. you know like using your talents of interests to help the world or anything. like doctors go to school and work so much and help out people. and scientists like find the cures for diseases and all and even like farmers grow food for the world to eat. everybody helps people somehow. i just think life is all based on the spreading of different loves all around and if people were more aware of all the love around and they stopped being so selfish and self absorbed then everybody could be happier and all .
im so dumb though. probably everyone will skip through all this bull shit and be like what the fuck was she on when she wrote this. i was on mountain dew and compassion and missing somebody and hopelessness and the feeling that nothing will ever work out. im actually pretty much the lowest ive been since like before march 27th like the door week bad.
after door week i got my sign that things were going to get better.
fucking song.
so things wont work out
they never do.
i regret so much currently.
all i have now are my friends.
or really friend,
because i havent been close to anybody else in so long.
now im supposed to be all good and help but i can't because im so jaded that shes turning into me sometimes and it really scares me. i dont know what to do anymore and im not good at not knowing what to do thats why my situation before didnt work out i guess. because i was afraid and i didnt know what to do. i guess i should learn that so i dont fuck everything up everytime. ugh i dont want to go to work or go to sleep. i feel like going outside in the rain with a lot of eye makeup and my hair down in a white shirt and black skirt and heels and kicking the heels off and crying and yelling and running and falling on the ground and just sitting on the grounnd crying. i feel so helpless. i think im giving up. i can't listen to music anymore. i cant really do anything or think anything without these thoughts just running through my head and i cant be around any of this much longer or something will snap and i just needed to get all this out before i explode and i dont want to worry anybody but the other day i was driving the highway for the first time and i almost swerved into another car and i dont think i can deal with having any power anymore because im too weak and i dont think i can do anything anymore because im about to break and i dont know when or how its going to happen but it will. and i feel pathetic to feel this way but thats all i can do because i know im not starving to death or being beaten or anything but i feel so fucking awful i just cant be this person anymore i cant be the thing ive been i need something that will make everything alright again. and i dont know if anything will help. im feeling nauseous and now everything is just worse. im sorry for this anybody who reads it this is just how i vent and im sorry. but i just cant do this much longer. i hear sirens. the night is dead.
-me
things really aren't going so well
that must be why im back to writing in this piece of shit
i remember when this thing used to bring me so much joy.
one nice comment from a certain person could bring a smile to my face for hours.
i remember wondering...and hoping...just to find out what i wanted i could have.
i remember after that i was so cute.
i don't say things like that about myself but i wasn't myself at the time so i guess i can talk about me like that.
i was in bliss
couldn't think about anything else for the longest time.
couldn't eat or sleep.
everything lost their color and importance and i just felt so weak and afraid but at the same time so happy.
then my usual self came back to me.
pessimism took the place of bliss
for the first time in my life i got the closest feeling to happiness and i guess love, even though it wasn't.
that was just the closest ive ever come...pathetic
its too bad ive never been in love.
love is something i can't do.
love ruins everything all the time, but it also makes everything work.
i was thinking about it the other day actually.
i am such a hopeless romantic it's pathetic.
i think the point of life is not to get a good job and get good things or try and go to heaven or whatever, but life is about finding love, and what it is, and spreading it around to as many people as you can.
theres more than one kind of love. theres romantic love...the one i just can't find no matter how badly i want it and the closer i get to it i just get afraid and run away. and theres other love. like the love of family. learn to love yours then make you own and teach your children to love their family as you do. love of friends. love your friends and take care of them as if they were your family and they wilol do the same to you and learn to be a better person from you, even if you don't think they are. theres love of people. like just being nice to people, even strangers. helping people out even by doing the simplest things. little things can really make a huge difference. because if people just did one nice little thing per day than the world would be a much better place. love of talents. you know like using your talents of interests to help the world or anything. like doctors go to school and work so much and help out people. and scientists like find the cures for diseases and all and even like farmers grow food for the world to eat. everybody helps people somehow. i just think life is all based on the spreading of different loves all around and if people were more aware of all the love around and they stopped being so selfish and self absorbed then everybody could be happier and all .
im so dumb though. probably everyone will skip through all this bull shit and be like what the fuck was she on when she wrote this. i was on mountain dew and compassion and missing somebody and hopelessness and the feeling that nothing will ever work out. im actually pretty much the lowest ive been since like before march 27th like the door week bad.
after door week i got my sign that things were going to get better.
fucking song.
so things wont work out
they never do.
i regret so much currently.
all i have now are my friends.
or really friend,
because i havent been close to anybody else in so long.
now im supposed to be all good and help but i can't because im so jaded that shes turning into me sometimes and it really scares me. i dont know what to do anymore and im not good at not knowing what to do thats why my situation before didnt work out i guess. because i was afraid and i didnt know what to do. i guess i should learn that so i dont fuck everything up everytime. ugh i dont want to go to work or go to sleep. i feel like going outside in the rain with a lot of eye makeup and my hair down in a white shirt and black skirt and heels and kicking the heels off and crying and yelling and running and falling on the ground and just sitting on the grounnd crying. i feel so helpless. i think im giving up. i can't listen to music anymore. i cant really do anything or think anything without these thoughts just running through my head and i cant be around any of this much longer or something will snap and i just needed to get all this out before i explode and i dont want to worry anybody but the other day i was driving the highway for the first time and i almost swerved into another car and i dont think i can deal with having any power anymore because im too weak and i dont think i can do anything anymore because im about to break and i dont know when or how its going to happen but it will. and i feel pathetic to feel this way but thats all i can do because i know im not starving to death or being beaten or anything but i feel so fucking awful i just cant be this person anymore i cant be the thing ive been i need something that will make everything alright again. and i dont know if anything will help. im feeling nauseous and now everything is just worse. im sorry for this anybody who reads it this is just how i vent and im sorry. but i just cant do this much longer. i hear sirens. the night is dead.
-me