Dissapear Here.

[_lozengeoflove]

it was a friday night with the girls...i was wearing my fathers undershirt, a pair of vintage cowboy boots and a big belt.. my hair fell on to my shoulders like torn silk on the bed, and our consciousness had flown away with our stress. my boyfriend was out of town and i had missed his presence so much, my friends convinced me to party without him..they wouldn't tell a soul, if i cheated on him. molly had been hanging out with james, hitting the bong as it was passed around like holy water, and emelie and i had just popped some form of speed. we were crazy, we resembled the teenagers you read about in books who live in trailer parks, but we were part of the social borjouasie, and you needed people like us to keep you alive. during the school year we kept our shoes tied and hair straight but as the summer peeled into our lives...our breath started to consume alcohol and the taste of someone's kiss lingering in your mind. i wasn't expecting to see anyone surprising, just the usual campbell hall boys and a few wildwood girls in their vintage gowns..but he came in walking, strutting his wavy hair and vintage glasses and he hit me like a earthquake, although my mind could of already resembled a natural disaster. aiden walked in with jesse, and i swear time stopped and my mind flashed. he was an old family friend, our parents were both big names in the entertainment business and we used to hold hands at company get togethers when we were 4 and quite juvenile. i hadn't seen him for years because we had out grown going places with our parents and had simply lost interest in each others lives. i followed him over to the drinks table, he poured some gin and coke in a red cup while saying hi to all the girls who were so completely out of it like my own friends, asking random boys how big they were. we got lost in the crowd and i went back to my friends, continued partying and lost track of time. i woke up the next morning at molly’s house...on a sofa with him next to me. he told me we had talked the whole night. i had insomnia because of the pills and at 5 am we rummaged through each others minds and bodies. he spoke with such eloquence, unlike my slurred words and mumbling and i could careless if i had a boyfriend miles away.. i didn't want to leave him, ever. he gave me such honesty and strength, i could be myself around him and forget the 6 different lives i was living. i called my mom, told her i was fine, had met up with aiden [comforting to her since she knew his mother] and that i wouldn't be home for dinner tonight. she was getting more and more disappointed in my increasing absence in the family, but my mind was getting denser, and i thrived on this knowledge. i wasn't 16 yet,but he let me drive his car, he was too lazy and thoughtful for focusing on the road. he told me just to drive and by 5pm we had gone from beverly hills, to malibu, to hollywood. it was an insane day full of sand in our toes, a new pair of stretch jeans [i always guilt guys into buying me overpriced jeans..maybe because i let them into the dressing room], and then serenity. i had always driven by the hollywood cemetery before but something lured me into the parking lot today. maybe because cemeteries have such an eeriness, the thought of useless bodies sunken to the rotting earth and yet today it seemed serene. we sat on someone named samantha kline’s grave and made up stories about how she died. we soon got into our own deaths, how we wanted to end our lives and if we had ever considered doing it ourselves. i told him that i wanted my last moments to be peaceful and for me to be happy. i wanted to be alone so i didn't haunt others, but for them to know i would always be there. he told me he wanted his moment of dying to be dramatic and unforgettable he wanted to die in a plane crash with everyone he loved flying over the bermuda triangle.. i thought he was crazy, and yet now i want to die with him..holding his hand on that flight. he told me how he was not suicidal but always thought of death as a possibility, that any situation could be stopped or cured by death. he wanted his death to be something unexpected and defiantly not brought up by himself. it was so unerring to have this conversation with someone in a cemetery about death, it was like most of the people around us didn't get to choose how they died, and here we were, planning it out like a celebration. we talked about afterlife, and others cultures beliefs on death, and then religion, and then politics, and then how we like our coffee, and our very poets. i got home that night at 2 am past curfew, but my angry mother couldn't alter my facade. i was so touched by his presence, his energy has effected mine so hugely and we planned to see each other for the next 10 days. those ten days were ludicrous. we consumed too many drugs, had too much sex, and i cried too much...but it was exactly what i needed. i ignored calls from my boyfriend and just hoped he disappeared. but soon enough, he came home and i had to make a choice. i don't know how, or what frame of mind i was in, but somehow i told aiden i couldn't live this life any longer because i had a boyfriend waiting for me at some diner and that i could never see him again. i knew that if i had peered into his eyes for one more moment i could of had a heart attack right there and never left his side. i also knew that this life wasn't healthy, we talked about gloomy things, took too many false security vices, and if i stopped it here--he could never hurt me. i always seem to do this, hurt the person before they can hurt me.. i think it is a defense mechanism, i've been hurt too many times in the past so i now i don't expect anything but pain in the end. so i told aiden to disappear into nights bliss, where he belonged, and there were plenty of girls like me who needed his unique finger print on their lips and knowledge in their lungs. so after we shared our last pack of marlboro lights, he left in his old Volkswagen and sat on the corner and cried. he never said a word, he hugged me and left. that was the last time i ever saw aiden. the next day i saw my boyfriend and felt like nothing ever happened. although i was smarter and stronger, i felt like aiden was just an overnight dream...and now i had awaken, until tangible products were shown. my mother received a call that aiden had committed suicide. he took a bottle of aspirin with a bottle of gin the night after i told him goodbye. i couldn't take such responsibility for this death but i knew something major must of happened in him. he wanted to die naturally and strongly..and yet, this was just the complete opposite. he took no pain in pills and died in his sleep..this was so unlike aiden, i had felt like his cerebellum must of been drenched in poison for this decision to be made. i went to his house, i needed to see his surroundings, and retrace his footsteps. i put on his sweatshirt, the one i always stole right after we made love.. and inside the pocket was a note:

you told me to disappear, lets see if this will do it.

and then on the back he wrote:

my life was complete. i fixed you, and i had nothing left to live for. soon enough, you'll disappear too.

and from that day on, i never lived the same way. i helped as many people as possible and when i was 52 years old, married with children i took a vacation to Bermuda. i had forgotten my passport at home and let my family depart before me. on my plane ride there, a storm came and somehow the pilot lost his mind, he flew into the ocean. though i was not with anyone i knew, i could feel aiden's presence with me as i crashed into the pacific ocean. it was time for me to disappear, my family would miss me, but they had the best of me, and they would pass that on.. just like i had the best of aiden. though this ending is sad, it doesnt leave you with nothing...soon enough, youll dissapear and pick up where you left off. pray to your own gods, live whatever life you want, but in the end we are all human, we all are born and we all die.. and life is just how you utalize time.