Summer 05'
we sat there, silent. some could of said it was awkward, but I had sat here with him too many times before to feel the least bit uncomfortable. the same cracked lamp shade, the same new chairs that squeaked because of the house keeper’s cleaning methods, the same floor we had made love on. I stared him up and down, those eyes dilated and sharp, he never actually saw the beauty he talked about in me. nobody saw my beauty, because i couldn't see it enough to flaunt it. i had called him, told him to come and visit me because it had been a year since everything. im not sure what everything meant in context, but i guess it was when we became more than we ever imagined, lovers, speaking the same foreign language and letting our minds merge as one. most were fearful of that feeling, i was too, that's how i backed out of it. i back out of every strong feeling unless its destruction, because i only deserve negative feedback and enjoy pushing violence against myself--it gives me power. we were both salivating to converse, talk about what happened, what could of happened but nobody wanted to start first. i slowly coughed and asked about his parents, i wondered if they were the same pyschotics that created diseases in my mind, or maybe they were just that way towards me.. maybe they liked the other girls. there i go again, making my mind turn like wheels, if anything, my mind was the circulatory system to my body. he told me his parents had mellowed out as he got older but they also became more naive. i think that is true with anyone, knowledge is a blessing but a curse. i remember when my parents divorced and i would put my ear to the door--trying to listen to their arguments. time after time i would end up in tears because what i heard, but if i hadn't of listened i wouldnt of known .. where would that get me? probably not holding as much anger against my parents. then there was that damn awful silence again, i stared at him with interest. he had gotten a lot more appealing to the eyes, he had gotten taller, worked out a little more and you could tell by his answers he had learned a more intense vocabulary. while i was staring at him, he moved his face so he was staring at me back..that is such an intimidating pose. when you are staring at someone in the eye, you can tell they are looking at you intensely. its like your flaws become magnified and everything you try to hide is peering out for them to see, your true identity. we sat like this for what felt like days but the clock only read 4 minutes. his mouth started forming words and eventually he swallowed his words and spoke a loud..., “you're eyes are so intense, bright enough to burn..” and in that moment i fell in love with him again. we never ended up talking about our past, or what could of happened because it happened. by the end of the summer we had applauded ourselves as friends and continued to be lovers again. we went to the beach every weekend to stare at people, photograph others and buy trinkets like cheesy shirts. every sunday night we would add our little momentous from venice beach and keep them in a wooden box with our names inscribed. it was the perfect summer romance, full of the breeze, denim cut offs, and midnight kisses. we were always conjoined and our we didn't need to explain to anyone why we were always busy, people just knew, we were an item. but like all time it never lasts forever, as conor oberst says.. “if you drink it all, you die” and we sipped it slowly, swallowed each gulp as its own measurement, and the glass was empty at the end of august. he was transferring to a new school and i didn't want a commitment going into the new year. as much as i wallowed in his presence and drank up his energy like breath, it was losing its spark. on labor day weekend we decided to meet up at the beach one last time, i told him i didn't want this to last much longer and he said that wasn't fair.. i was leading him on. we were silence again, we stared into each others eyes.. and he said fine, but one last trinket. i was so drenched in guilt i think i would of done anything for him at this point. we both picked out our last trinkets, me a cheap, plastic flip flop with CALIFORNIA IS FOR LOVERS on the strap.. and him, he picked up some shot glass but instead put it down and whispered in a sly matter, “i have a better idea.” so we walked along venice beach until we pondered to a tattoo shop [not very far since it is venice and tattoo parlors occur more than restaurants] and on his wrist he got in small black letters.. 05.. he said this was the end of his summer, and he didn't want to feel the pain from his heart break, so the healing process would replace the metal distress. and at that moment i could of fallen for him again, because i had known too well that feeling, and couldn't believe i had forced it on someone else. this was the end of summer 05, but this was not the end of pain, pain can linger on way past somatic agony, whether the person who is with you is steady in your life or not. pain is love, wrapped up in a blanket or left out in the cold. without love there would be not pain.. and yet love is the way we get by.