Remembering Why I Belong to the School of Riot Grrl
an essay by Lauren Henry
I just burned a bridge. I big one, too. A big, fat important bridge.
Well, socially at least.
Max and I "found" this really bad-ass group of guys that we've been consistently hanging out with for the past 6 months. We were and have been elated because it's been years since Max and I found a group of friends that 1) weren't from our respective pasts and thus often difficult in the future 2) substance dependent 3) smart (enough) 4) accessible 5) had something for both of us 6) from working class and local backgrounds 7) passionate 8) primary activity is sitting around and talking
The problems involved have generally been that they were a bunch of "guys" and i do emphasize the "guys" aspect to point out the stereotypical way in which they are "guys." Max and I have had one of them leave us at a party he drove us to in order to hook up with a really drunk sorority girl with sunglasses (at night) and a beer belly. Another, Scott, had to be stopped after embarking upon a diatribe in which he supported that Max and I's views about women were not as "natural" as his, seeing that he is heterosexual and thus natural--which leaves us appearing rather, well, unnatural. The same fellow, Scott, once confided in me that he needs and loves strong women primarily because they "don't stand for my shit and call me out." I politely smiled, resisting the urge to tell him that that speaks volumes about his respect for women as well as the condition of his own strength (not forgetting that any strong woman isn't going to sit around and utilize her own emotional strength to hold back and keep in check the flood gates of his stupidity and bawdiness).
I'm not too sure why we overlooked these problems in the past. Mostly, Max and I agreed not to hold their cultural and education backgrounds against them. They're all from small Arkansas towns and attended UCA, a public university in Conway for music (all of these guys are Music Performance and Education Majors). They haven't really had the exposure to more privileged politics that Max and I received at Hendrix. Ideologies aside, we've all gotten along very well.
Until a few nights ago. Max had to work early, so I went to the VFW without her and met up with Michael and Scott. We hung out there for about 4 hours, drinking beer and having a really good time. Around midnight, we all met up back and their house and got stoned, sitting around and talking with their other roommate, Jordan, and his girlfriend, Katie.
Several times during the night, I was told straight out that many things I said were incorrect. These things included:
1. Saying that you can't compare the life expectancy of present day China to present day America, because China is currently undergoing a major industrial revolution and so once should try and compare present day China to the US Progressive Era and Industrial Revolution of the late 1800s and early 1900s.
2. That black people don't have oilier skin than white people.
3. this thing about dogs: see below
THE THING ABOUT DOGS:
Scott: *talking about how he's known of a Bull mastiff that can drink a 6 pack and get drunk like a person because it's so big*
Me: Aren't Bull Mastiffs one of those dog breeds that gets to like..200 pounds?
Scott: Absolutely not. There's no such thing as a dog that weighs over 170 pounds. Wolves, maybe. But not dogs. Wolves can get up to 200 pounds, but there's no such thing as a dog bigger than a wolf.
Me: Really? Perhaps the Bull Mastiff is not the largest dog breed, but I know it can get up to 200 pounds. And dogs like St. Bernards, the standard breed can reach well over 210 pounds. It's not very advantageous for wolves to be large because they hunt in packs and when alone, with speed.
Jordan: No. No. Wolves are definitely bigger than dogs. Wolves come up to like...here *pointing to his shoulders*
Scott: Yeah, you're wrong. Dogs don't get that big. Dogs evolved from wolves so wolves are more prehistoric and bigger than dogs. Dogs don't get over 170 pounds. Have you ever seen a wolf? No? They're huge. Absolutely Huge.
Oh yeah: I WAS RIGHT ABOUT EVERYTHING. Wiki that shit. Check up with the American Kennel Club.
Seeing that this was the third time in an hour that I was told that I was blatantly wrong about something I KNOW I was right about, I did not appreciate the gang bang. Nor the obvious lack of respect for the validity of anything that I said.
I don't think it's friendly to call people out like that on trivial shit. I don't think it's friendly to gang up on somebody. I think it's pompous to be so sure of yourself about something that's incorrect and push it so...patronizingly.
I left feeling...angry and disappointed.
So I thought I'd talk to Scott about it. Last night, I drove by his house and he was outside smoking a cig by himself. So I pulled up and got out. I sat on his porch and told him that I was right and that this could have been a trivial incident had I not been made to feel inferior and invalid on several occasions both on and outside this particular evening. When I was finished he looked at me and said, "If you came here for an apology, you're not going to get one." At that point, I decided that our friendship was over. I also realized that I could have said anything to him--the most profound goddamned argument against his actions and ideas--and it would never penetrate his net of rigid ignorance. He said some shit like, "You should have said you were right." I did. Several times. He said, "I thought I was right because I've personally never seen a dog over 150 pounds." Well, obviously nothing exists outside of what he's seen. Except, of course, my intelligence, which he's seen several times but can't quite comprehend.
I said, "Well, thanks for hearing me out. It was nice knowing you."
I'm upset because I know that every guys in that house (all our friends) now think I'm just some overreacting bitch on her period who gets her panties in a wad because she can't take the heat. I can't go over there again. I can't hang out with any of them. I don't want to. I'm waaay smarter than them, but that will never matter because I'm a woman and worse...a lesbian. A suspicious woman. An empowered woman. Fuck them.
I'm upset because I'm wondering if I've fucked myself over by attending a private liberal arts college. I can't leave behind my working class attitudes and I can't forget the privileged ideologies of those who have nothing to actually worry about in real like. How am I suppose to find friends that fit into such a small scheme?
I just burned a bridge. I big one, too. A big, fat important bridge.
Well, socially at least.
Max and I "found" this really bad-ass group of guys that we've been consistently hanging out with for the past 6 months. We were and have been elated because it's been years since Max and I found a group of friends that 1) weren't from our respective pasts and thus often difficult in the future 2) substance dependent 3) smart (enough) 4) accessible 5) had something for both of us 6) from working class and local backgrounds 7) passionate 8) primary activity is sitting around and talking
The problems involved have generally been that they were a bunch of "guys" and i do emphasize the "guys" aspect to point out the stereotypical way in which they are "guys." Max and I have had one of them leave us at a party he drove us to in order to hook up with a really drunk sorority girl with sunglasses (at night) and a beer belly. Another, Scott, had to be stopped after embarking upon a diatribe in which he supported that Max and I's views about women were not as "natural" as his, seeing that he is heterosexual and thus natural--which leaves us appearing rather, well, unnatural. The same fellow, Scott, once confided in me that he needs and loves strong women primarily because they "don't stand for my shit and call me out." I politely smiled, resisting the urge to tell him that that speaks volumes about his respect for women as well as the condition of his own strength (not forgetting that any strong woman isn't going to sit around and utilize her own emotional strength to hold back and keep in check the flood gates of his stupidity and bawdiness).
I'm not too sure why we overlooked these problems in the past. Mostly, Max and I agreed not to hold their cultural and education backgrounds against them. They're all from small Arkansas towns and attended UCA, a public university in Conway for music (all of these guys are Music Performance and Education Majors). They haven't really had the exposure to more privileged politics that Max and I received at Hendrix. Ideologies aside, we've all gotten along very well.
Until a few nights ago. Max had to work early, so I went to the VFW without her and met up with Michael and Scott. We hung out there for about 4 hours, drinking beer and having a really good time. Around midnight, we all met up back and their house and got stoned, sitting around and talking with their other roommate, Jordan, and his girlfriend, Katie.
Several times during the night, I was told straight out that many things I said were incorrect. These things included:
1. Saying that you can't compare the life expectancy of present day China to present day America, because China is currently undergoing a major industrial revolution and so once should try and compare present day China to the US Progressive Era and Industrial Revolution of the late 1800s and early 1900s.
2. That black people don't have oilier skin than white people.
3. this thing about dogs: see below
THE THING ABOUT DOGS:
Scott: *talking about how he's known of a Bull mastiff that can drink a 6 pack and get drunk like a person because it's so big*
Me: Aren't Bull Mastiffs one of those dog breeds that gets to like..200 pounds?
Scott: Absolutely not. There's no such thing as a dog that weighs over 170 pounds. Wolves, maybe. But not dogs. Wolves can get up to 200 pounds, but there's no such thing as a dog bigger than a wolf.
Me: Really? Perhaps the Bull Mastiff is not the largest dog breed, but I know it can get up to 200 pounds. And dogs like St. Bernards, the standard breed can reach well over 210 pounds. It's not very advantageous for wolves to be large because they hunt in packs and when alone, with speed.
Jordan: No. No. Wolves are definitely bigger than dogs. Wolves come up to like...here *pointing to his shoulders*
Scott: Yeah, you're wrong. Dogs don't get that big. Dogs evolved from wolves so wolves are more prehistoric and bigger than dogs. Dogs don't get over 170 pounds. Have you ever seen a wolf? No? They're huge. Absolutely Huge.
Oh yeah: I WAS RIGHT ABOUT EVERYTHING. Wiki that shit. Check up with the American Kennel Club.
Seeing that this was the third time in an hour that I was told that I was blatantly wrong about something I KNOW I was right about, I did not appreciate the gang bang. Nor the obvious lack of respect for the validity of anything that I said.
I don't think it's friendly to call people out like that on trivial shit. I don't think it's friendly to gang up on somebody. I think it's pompous to be so sure of yourself about something that's incorrect and push it so...patronizingly.
I left feeling...angry and disappointed.
So I thought I'd talk to Scott about it. Last night, I drove by his house and he was outside smoking a cig by himself. So I pulled up and got out. I sat on his porch and told him that I was right and that this could have been a trivial incident had I not been made to feel inferior and invalid on several occasions both on and outside this particular evening. When I was finished he looked at me and said, "If you came here for an apology, you're not going to get one." At that point, I decided that our friendship was over. I also realized that I could have said anything to him--the most profound goddamned argument against his actions and ideas--and it would never penetrate his net of rigid ignorance. He said some shit like, "You should have said you were right." I did. Several times. He said, "I thought I was right because I've personally never seen a dog over 150 pounds." Well, obviously nothing exists outside of what he's seen. Except, of course, my intelligence, which he's seen several times but can't quite comprehend.
I said, "Well, thanks for hearing me out. It was nice knowing you."
I'm upset because I know that every guys in that house (all our friends) now think I'm just some overreacting bitch on her period who gets her panties in a wad because she can't take the heat. I can't go over there again. I can't hang out with any of them. I don't want to. I'm waaay smarter than them, but that will never matter because I'm a woman and worse...a lesbian. A suspicious woman. An empowered woman. Fuck them.
I'm upset because I'm wondering if I've fucked myself over by attending a private liberal arts college. I can't leave behind my working class attitudes and I can't forget the privileged ideologies of those who have nothing to actually worry about in real like. How am I suppose to find friends that fit into such a small scheme?