late-night brain puke
An hour or two ago, the tiny bit of melancholy that had been in the back of my mind all day finally reached me. It's kind of odd, but it happened just like fog rolling in from over the water, and that's how I was thinking of it as it happened. You can tell it's out there long, long before it comes, because there's just something funny about the horizon. Even though you knew immediately what it was, you keep confirming to yourself as it slides closer. But it lingers on the horizon for so long that a part of you insists it won't ever come. Suddenly it's a looming wall, then suddenly it's here and you're in it--and it's wet and a bit inebriating and gets in your hair and your nostrils and your pants and your short-term memory.
I don't allow myself to think like that very often anymore. I'm not going to think about whether that's a good thing or a bad thing; it's simply how I'm living right now. It's good because it's different than the previous time which held pain and it's bad because it's like the time before that which suppressed more pain. I'm happier these days than I ever believed was humanly possible, but I'm still learning how this is all supposed to work.
I need a change of pursuits and location so bad it hurts. But that's not related to any of the above material. I am independent, flustered, impatient, happy, anxious, and in love. With more people and things than I ever manage to remember.
I don't allow myself to think like that very often anymore. I'm not going to think about whether that's a good thing or a bad thing; it's simply how I'm living right now. It's good because it's different than the previous time which held pain and it's bad because it's like the time before that which suppressed more pain. I'm happier these days than I ever believed was humanly possible, but I'm still learning how this is all supposed to work.
I need a change of pursuits and location so bad it hurts. But that's not related to any of the above material. I am independent, flustered, impatient, happy, anxious, and in love. With more people and things than I ever manage to remember.