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I'm tired of Subway. No one knows what they're doing, and people that think they know what they're doing know even less, and then they fuck up. And then I get a lecture about making sure the new idiots do things properly, when the fucking manager doesn't even bother to train new employees. To counteract this, I've created a New and Improved Employee Guide. It's not quite as good as its counterpart, but whatever.
CAPTAIN KIRBY'S GUIDE TO BEING A BETTER SUBWAY EMPLOYEE.
Congratulations and welcome to the Subway crew! I’m sure you’ll have a wonderful time slaving away making sandwiches for pretentious twits, but before you can do this, there are some things you need to know.
MAKING SANDWICHES: HOW TO DO IT
The #1 Rule: If you do not know how to do something, ASK SOMEONE. YOUR PRIDE WILL NOT HURT THAT MUCH.
The Basics, A.K.A. Things I Should Not Have To Tell You And Are Not That Hard To Remember:
- When you cut the bread, do not just cut it straight across. It is called a hinge cut for a reason.
- Do not mush the bread after you open it. You will not be able to close it anymore.
- Things That Go On The Top: Meat, cheese, and any variety of sauce. This includes mayonnaise, mustard, Chipotle or Sweet Onion sauce, etcetera and so on.
- Things That Go On The Bottom: Any and all vegetables. Also, oil, vinegar and spices.
- Do not use a knife to close the sandwich. This makes the knives dirty, and then people get remnants of mayonnaise on their sandwich they didn't want.
Making the Sandwich, A.K.A. More Things I Should Not Have To Tell You:
- Know how many slices of meat each sandwich gets. There is a cheat sheet next to the bread cabinet, if you forget how many slices of turkey go on a club, use it. If you give someone extra meat by accident, they still have to pay for it. This is not negotiable.
- Veggies: A footlong sandwich gets a handful of lettuce, six tomato slices, six cucumber slices, six pickles, six olives, and three or four slices of onion and green pepper.
- To make a six inch sandwich, divide those sixes in half. The correct answer is three.
- Cheese goes on top of the meat, the long way. Once you put it all down, it should cover the entire length of the sandwich. Do not put it on the short way.
- When you put sauce on the sandwich, ONLY PUT IT ON THE CHEESE. Do not use a zigzag design, do not write your name in mustard, and do not draw circles. Straight across, three passes. Also, do not zigzag the sauce all over the whole sandwich. This is disgusting. Now, if the pretentious twit decides he doesn’t want mayo, you just take off the cheese.
- A footlong sandwich gets two napkins. A six inch sandwich gets one. Do not waste napkins.
Using the Toaster:
- Do not leave the tray in the toaster, it will burn.
- A sandwich with one type of meat is toasted under the “1 Meat/Hotwell” setting. This also applies to meatball sandwiches.
- A sandwich with more than one type of meat is toasted under the “Combo Sub” setting.
- Steak sandwiches or sandwiches with chicken strips are toasted under the “Steak/Strips” setting.
- Once you have selected your sandwich type, select the size. This section is self explanatory, as long as you can read at a second grade level.
- Take the sandwich out once the toaster beeps. If you leave it in longer it will burn. Do not waste bread.
Ringing Up Your Order:
- DO NOT USE THE REGISTER IF YOU DO NOT KNOW HOW. THIS IS NOT NEGOTIABLE.
- If this is not the case, congratulations. You’ve mastered a third grade level program.
- Select the sandwich size, then the sandwich type. Make sure you’ve added in any extras, like bacon or extra cheese.
- To ring up a double meat sandwich, press the “Double Meat” button FIRST.
- Before you finish the order, check everything again so you don’t screw up the order. Then take the cash or use the card reader.
- DO NOT GIVE THE CARD BACK UNTIL THE CREDIT READER SAYS APPROVED. IF YOU DO NOT DO THIS OUR CREDIT SALES WILL BE WRONG.
- Make sure you know how to make change.
Other Employee Duties:
- CLEAN THE BAIN. Do this by wiping down the entire counter, then removing the cutting boards and wiping underneath them. DO THIS CONSTANTLY.
- Washing dishes should not be as difficult as some most employees make it. Wash, rinse, sanitize. A monkey could figure this sequence out.
o Do not go straight from detergent to sanitizer. When you do this, the sanitizer is ruined and does not sanitize. If this happens, it is called a Health Code Violation.
o Know how to fill up the sinks. I should not have to tell you how to do this.
- CLEAN THE BAIN.
- Wipe down the counters and the toaster.
- When you wash bread pans, use the green scouring pad. Yes, your hands and the water will turn black, because no one washes these properly. However, if you use the green pad, you will exponentially decrease the amount of black on the trays, and will thus exponentially decrease the amount of black on your hands next time. This is not difficult.
- CLEAN THE BAIN.
All in all, working at Subway is not difficult, provided you use common sense. Yes, foodservice sucks, but we all have to deal. Now get out there and make some hungry customers happy!
A counterpart to Captain Kirby's Guide to Being a Better Subway Customer.