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CAPTAIN KIRBY'S GUIDE TO BEING A BETTER SUBWAY CUSTOMER.
Things to bear in mind while reading this:
I am a bitch. If you're on my flist you should know this.
I hate Subway.
This is actually mostly truthful.
CAPTAIN KIRBY’S GUIDE TO BEING A BETTER SUBWAY CUSTOMER:
The #1 way? Don’t come.
But seriously folks.
Pay attention.
Ordering your sandwich: Things to keep in mind.
- When you come in, know what you want. Sandwich type, bread and size, you should be able to spew it all out in one breath. Take longer, and I’ll get seriously annoyed.
- I am not a mind reader.
- If you don’t know what you want, say so. Don’t stand there and waver between turkey and turkey/ham without saying anything, it’s rude.
- I am not a mind reader.
- If I ask you if you want everything on your sandwich and you say yes, you will get everything. If you don’t want something, say so. Nagging at me after I put something on you didn’t want will only make me want to take it off less.
- I am not a mind reader.
- Do not get pissy with me if I don’t know exactly what you want before you say it. I don’t care if you come in every ten minutes and order the same thing, chances are unless you’re a friend or one of the two customers I happen to like, I don’t care.
- I am not a mind reader.
- Sandwiches that have a special sauce should have the special sauce on it. The Sweet Onion Chicken Teriyaki is called that because of the sweet onion sauce. It tastes better with the sauce on it.
- FYI: The new Bourbon chicken sandwich comes with unflavoured chicken strips. If you want it to taste like it’s supposed to, let me put the damned glaze on it.
- Sandwiches that don’t have a special sauce get mayo and mustard. If you say you want them, you will get the normal amount. If you say you want a little, you will get a little. I don’t like having to scrape mayo off with a knife because you decided you’re going to watch your calorie intake all of a sudden. It’s gross.
- Know the name of the sandwich you want. For example, our newer sandwich is called the Tuscan chicken. Not Tuscany, not Tucson, TUSCAN.
- Unless it’s between 11:30 and 2, I have better things to do than serve you. My job does not only consist of making sandwiches for you, unless I prep meats and veggies you will not have anything to put on your bread. Don’t come in and act like I’ve been standing there all day just waiting to make you a sandwich.
- If you come in and there’s no one else there, don’t just walk up and order without even looking at me. I’m not your fucking slave, and honestly, I really don’t care what you want. I only make it because I get money for it.
- If I don’t have gloves on, I’m not ready to take your order. If you choose to ignore this, I will take longer to put on the gloves, thus making you wait.
- If you’re thinking about coming in and ordering 12 sandwiches, don’t. This is precisely why we have call in orders. If you come during lunch rush and order for fifteen people, I will be seriously pissed. Not to mention that this is really rude to the poor saps behind you.
- The register takes care of cookies/chips/drinks/anything that’s not your sandwich. If I’m not the one taking your money, I don’t care if you want a large drink.
- When you speak to me, speak English. Despite what you may or may not think, I cannot speak any other languages than English and Spanish. I do not enjoy having to constantly ask you what the hell you’re saying.
- Make sure you know the names of the veggies you want on your sandwich. Yes, I can figure it out by pointing, but it’s a hell of a lot easier if you know which one is the green pepper.
- Do not call veggies by weird names. Jalapeños are jalapeños, not habañero peppers or any other weird name. Also, it is lettuce, not salad. A salad consists of lettuce, but they are not one and the same. This annoys me faster than anything else you can do.
- We always cut footlong sandwiches in half. You do not need to ask me to do this.
- The daily special changes every day. You can only get a turkey sandwich for $2.49 on Wednesday. Don’t come in on Monday and order the special (turkey/ham) without the ham and expect to get the discount. It’s a different sandwich. This is not negotiable.
- You cannot order a footlong and put different meat on either half. That makes it two six inch sandwiches. Don’t argue with me about this.
- Yes, I will charge you for extra meat or cheese. If you piss me off, I will make extra sure the register knows you have extra crap on your sandwich.
- Once I wrap your sandwich, that’s it. Don’t change your mind and decide you want Bourbon glaze on your plain chicken because you suddenly realised that I was right and you ought to have it taste like what you’re paying for.
Staying at Subway to eat: How to be polite.
- If you do not take your sandwich to go, good for you. I put all the sandwiches in bags regardless. I will not take it out, I don’t care that much.
- If you spill something by the fountain drinks, tell me so I can clean it up. Syrup gets sticky, and it’s a pain in my ass to clean it up if you don’t say anything.
- Please, for the love of all that is holy, try to keep from turning my store into a pigsty. I have to clean up after your sloppy ass, don’t leave pickles on the ground and crumbs all over your table. It’s gross.
- If you move the tables together, put them back when you leave.
- If you are a teenager, I automatically assume you’re an obnoxious slob. Go ahead and prove me right, it’ll just make me intentionally put too much mayo on your sandwich the next time you come in.
- Skateboards do not belong in my store. Neither do bicycles.
- Do. Not. Ever. leave your garbage on the table. I am not your waitress, and it’s not like you don’t walk by the fucking garbage on your way out. It’s not that hard to throw your wrapper away.
To sum up, don’t come in and assume that I really care about making your trip in the best Subway experience you’ve ever had. I could truly give a shit. I hope this was as informative for you as it was therapeutic for me. You’re on your way to being a better Subway customer!
Yes, it was long. I thorougly enjoyed writing it though.
Also, mad shoutouts to
suborbital, because she's so awesome I had to make an icon for her.