I quit
I spent about 40 minutes on the phone with both my parents crying about my poor situation and about how pathetic I am. I wonder if I've ever had such a long phone call with my parents. I usually want to get rid of them. XDD But yeah, I just had to talk to them. They are the ones I'm disappointing after all. It's strange that before that I just could not cry even though I wanted to. I spent most of the day feeling jittery and on the verge of a few panic attacks (I only suffered a few convulsions while lying in bed) and obviously doing anything but what I was supposed to be doing. That has been pretty much the gist of the process of my thesis. I had given up quite a bit of stuff to just concentrate on it. INCLUDING other schoolwork yet I never managed to get much done. I've never procrastinated THIS much.
It was insane. I just couldn't write, concentrate or read so I took a few "breaks" that became very long. When I realised that I hadn't done anything (or hardly anything) and it was getting kind of late, I decided to call it a day and start fresh the next morning. YEAH RIGHT.
Part of my failure has to do with the fact that I just didn't want to do it. A great underlying motive was that I had absolutely no confidence in myself OR my work. And it's not just about my thesis it's about EVERYTHING at uni. It's not the amount of work that is overwhelming or even the fact that it's too hard (at least it's manageable if anything.)... it's my aversion to the whole situation. I was swallowed by a hole of depression during my first year, and sometimes I wonder if I'm still suffering from it, but don't know it. I mean... I spend a lot of my time just hating myself and thinking about dying (and talking myself out of killing myself), after all.
One night I had a dream that the world was going to end. We sat in our houses(since we couldn't go outside with the flooding and the rising temperature) just... waiting... which was awful, but my one positive thought was that at least I didn't have to finish my thesis. When I woke up I felt relieved at first, but then remembered my thesis and almost wished that the world had ended. That pretty much told me about how great my motivation was.
At least I can agree with Jung about the clearness of dreams in that aspect. Hahhah.
My parents don't want me to give up. They advised me to ask the teacher for more time... and using the excuse of being sick,(which I was), but I really don't think more time would help. I'm just not cut out for this. I don't think I'm cut out for ANYTHING. I seem to just quit everything. All the hobbies I had when I was younger, driving school, many individual courses at uni and now this. At least I haven't quit life yet. Although that will end on its own regardless of my wishes. At the moment my life is a complete mess though and it's getting worse. I don't know what to do. My first thought is to just take a step at a time. Get some sleep (if the coffee I drank won't stop me like it did the other day. Ironically I only drank it to help myself concentrate. I almost vomit every time I drink coffee.), tidy my room (which is an absolute disaster since I "didn't have the time" to do anything but my thesis). MAYBE go to school tomorrow. Then there is the unfortunate task of emailing the teacher to tell him that I'm done with this crap. It probably won't come as a surprise to him.
EDIT: After sleeping on it I don't feel better at all. I had a dream that I was sitting in front of the door that leads to the sauna(in our building) and some guy came in with a gun, that he then pointed at me (my head). I wrestled to get the gun out of his grasp and then woke up with a jolt, so I guess he shot me in the face.
It was insane. I just couldn't write, concentrate or read so I took a few "breaks" that became very long. When I realised that I hadn't done anything (or hardly anything) and it was getting kind of late, I decided to call it a day and start fresh the next morning. YEAH RIGHT.
Part of my failure has to do with the fact that I just didn't want to do it. A great underlying motive was that I had absolutely no confidence in myself OR my work. And it's not just about my thesis it's about EVERYTHING at uni. It's not the amount of work that is overwhelming or even the fact that it's too hard (at least it's manageable if anything.)... it's my aversion to the whole situation. I was swallowed by a hole of depression during my first year, and sometimes I wonder if I'm still suffering from it, but don't know it. I mean... I spend a lot of my time just hating myself and thinking about dying (and talking myself out of killing myself), after all.
One night I had a dream that the world was going to end. We sat in our houses(since we couldn't go outside with the flooding and the rising temperature) just... waiting... which was awful, but my one positive thought was that at least I didn't have to finish my thesis. When I woke up I felt relieved at first, but then remembered my thesis and almost wished that the world had ended. That pretty much told me about how great my motivation was.
At least I can agree with Jung about the clearness of dreams in that aspect. Hahhah.
My parents don't want me to give up. They advised me to ask the teacher for more time... and using the excuse of being sick,(which I was), but I really don't think more time would help. I'm just not cut out for this. I don't think I'm cut out for ANYTHING. I seem to just quit everything. All the hobbies I had when I was younger, driving school, many individual courses at uni and now this. At least I haven't quit life yet. Although that will end on its own regardless of my wishes. At the moment my life is a complete mess though and it's getting worse. I don't know what to do. My first thought is to just take a step at a time. Get some sleep (if the coffee I drank won't stop me like it did the other day. Ironically I only drank it to help myself concentrate. I almost vomit every time I drink coffee.), tidy my room (which is an absolute disaster since I "didn't have the time" to do anything but my thesis). MAYBE go to school tomorrow. Then there is the unfortunate task of emailing the teacher to tell him that I'm done with this crap. It probably won't come as a surprise to him.
EDIT: After sleeping on it I don't feel better at all. I had a dream that I was sitting in front of the door that leads to the sauna(in our building) and some guy came in with a gun, that he then pointed at me (my head). I wrestled to get the gun out of his grasp and then woke up with a jolt, so I guess he shot me in the face.