Mining the tiny smidgen of hope
After posts about our wedding (hee!) and our new puppy addition (he's really making strides!), comes a fertility post. I'm so ambivalent about this, so tired at even contemplating the process, but still really geared towards doing another cycle - if that makes any sense.
This time, there's no excitement, few smiles, no daydreaming. Just a lot of comfy reassurance from E, puppy snuggles and well wishes from friends and family. This support means a tremendous amount to me, but I only wish there was still a "spark" left in me - I feel like I've been robbed of a lot. I feel like a veteran of a bloody war I was drafted to fight and lose. Many times over. So now it's one day at a time. My expectations are SO low, that my only goal is to make it to collection. To get our chance to conceive. That's where it stops.
I'm on day 7. I was at McGill yesterday, and will be there tomorrow for another scan. 20 follicles; the largest is 11mm. Once it hits 14mm, I start the Orgalutran. My lining is 9.7, and I'm crediting the acupuncture for that. This time I'm going all out: 6 weeks medical leave from my incredibly stressful job. Acupuncture every two days and massage. I want to know that I've done everything I can to make this work. Collection (my 4th....sigh) will be sometime early next week and I've opted for the anesthetic again. Next week might as well be next year, in that apart from deciding that tiny detail, the retrieval process has not even entered my conscious thought. I'm too terrified to contemplate that next step. Too afraid that even that will be taken from me. This is what infertility has done to me...
We haven't received the results from our chromosomal blood tests (we didn't want to wait 6-8 months for the results before we try again), so this could all be in vain if we indeed have chromosomal abnormalities. We originally opted for PGD to complement this cycle, but then decided to take our chances with a "normal" IVF cycle anyways; if this one doesn't work, perhaps we will have received the results before we attempt our 5th cycle.
In any case, I'm hanging in. Feeling overwhelmed and a tad bitter about all of this. But here nonetheless.
This time, there's no excitement, few smiles, no daydreaming. Just a lot of comfy reassurance from E, puppy snuggles and well wishes from friends and family. This support means a tremendous amount to me, but I only wish there was still a "spark" left in me - I feel like I've been robbed of a lot. I feel like a veteran of a bloody war I was drafted to fight and lose. Many times over. So now it's one day at a time. My expectations are SO low, that my only goal is to make it to collection. To get our chance to conceive. That's where it stops.
I'm on day 7. I was at McGill yesterday, and will be there tomorrow for another scan. 20 follicles; the largest is 11mm. Once it hits 14mm, I start the Orgalutran. My lining is 9.7, and I'm crediting the acupuncture for that. This time I'm going all out: 6 weeks medical leave from my incredibly stressful job. Acupuncture every two days and massage. I want to know that I've done everything I can to make this work. Collection (my 4th....sigh) will be sometime early next week and I've opted for the anesthetic again. Next week might as well be next year, in that apart from deciding that tiny detail, the retrieval process has not even entered my conscious thought. I'm too terrified to contemplate that next step. Too afraid that even that will be taken from me. This is what infertility has done to me...
We haven't received the results from our chromosomal blood tests (we didn't want to wait 6-8 months for the results before we try again), so this could all be in vain if we indeed have chromosomal abnormalities. We originally opted for PGD to complement this cycle, but then decided to take our chances with a "normal" IVF cycle anyways; if this one doesn't work, perhaps we will have received the results before we attempt our 5th cycle.
In any case, I'm hanging in. Feeling overwhelmed and a tad bitter about all of this. But here nonetheless.